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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH has hours of calls logged to a number I don't recognise

999 replies

livingontheedgeee · 29/01/2018 18:22

So, we use a phone provider where you pay for a monthly contract then need to add credit for things like calling overseas, dialling non-standard numbers etc. Normally DH and I keep £10 extra credit on just in case.
Last night, DH ran me as he's working away and asked me to top it up for him (he's completely technophobic).Normally I'd just log into the app on my phone but I was sitting at the computer at the time so I logged onto his online phone account to do it from there.

Right there, on the front page, it gave the top 5 numbers he calls with the number of hours associated with each number. One number he'd spoken to for 364 hours over the course of a month! Checking further (of course) he'd also sent 13 MMS to the same number meaning he's sending picture messages too.

Now he does use his phone a lot if he has to speak to clients and there are some clients he calls regularly but looking at the other calls, none of them are more than 10 hours across the whole month.

So, I went to his phone contacts list and lo and behold, here's the number assigned to some woman who I've never heard of.

I want to confront him but neither do I want to look stupid. He's never given me any reason to think he's messing about. Except perhaps he doesn't call me every day like he used to. Sometimes he goes two or three days without a call. This is the only change in his behaviour but thought it was on the back of me saying he needn't feel obliged to call every night.

Question is, do I call this number? Or do I ask him outright? Do I let it ride and see if he continues to call her?

OP posts:
Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 13:05

purple don’t assume what people have been through. We all bring our own perspectives absolutkry but I think that op needs to tred carefully here.

By the way your dh sounds horrible so Flowers

calmandbright · 30/01/2018 13:07

I guarantee those that are saying ‘just ask’ haven’t been cheated on before. A cheater learns to become a very proficient liar very quickly. I hope there is an innocent explanation!

Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 13:08

Totally agree user

Op mumsnet is wonderful but people love a drama and you have had some silly advice I think. Personally I would reverse the number thing and ask him to his face in just the way user says.

Of course you will know by his reaction. And you won’t have potentially jepodised his precessional
Integrity.

livingontheedgeee · 30/01/2018 13:08

Admittedly this will only work if he tries to text her first.

If she texts him and it comes up as a random number, he'll know it's her and will just add her again thinking he's somehow deleted her number.

All I need are a couple of texts between them to get the gist of what's going on.

If it's innocent - everything points to the contrary - I haven't compromised myself by mentioning it or her. I'll put everything back to how it was.

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/01/2018 13:08

If this was my partner I would just ask him, so I think the fact that you won't at this point says that you have a 6th sense as to what this is really about.

I think other posters suggestions of seeing whether there is a pattern is a good idea.

Good luck.

Emmasmum2013 · 30/01/2018 13:11

@calmandbright
Sorry but this has happened to me before and I'd rather just straight out ask and try and get to the bottom of it, rather than mess around and be seen as 'crazy wife' or something by him for meddling with the contacts on his phone.

I get that he may well just lie if he's asked but it would be hard to cover up everything right there and then on the spot. Especially if OP asks to see his phone or something. There's always red flags, like hiding things etc.

Antigonads · 30/01/2018 13:11

Hope he texts soon so you don't have to stress for too long.

GeekyWombat · 30/01/2018 13:12

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. Just be careful if he does end up texting you that you don’t ‘entrap’ him as it were (not that you would be that he could argue that you have if you see what I mean).

Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 13:14

Good luck op Flowers

GU24Mum · 30/01/2018 13:14

Agree with some of the PPs - I think you'd be better off reversing the number change. At the moment you've got the upper hand and are making a good job of the detective work. I'd keep on with that and if there isn't anything dodgy going on, you won't have risked anything.

CheeseandFickles · 30/01/2018 13:17

If she texts him first, he'll re-add her name like OP says. No need to jump to the conclusion that he'll lose an important client and get into lots of trouble.

etap · 30/01/2018 13:17

@Usernumbers1234

Holy moly, don't be coming round here with such advice as perhaps asking and talking about it when we've got 15 pages of Sherlocks on the bastard's case

pinkie87 · 30/01/2018 13:17

Also he will go to his text inbox and he will have her unknown number probably at the top of the list of conversations and will clock straight away....

Cockmagic · 30/01/2018 13:18

I hope it's innocent op..

NancyDonahue · 30/01/2018 13:19

I'm really hoping this is totally innocent, op Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/01/2018 13:19

I'll put everything back to how it was.

It's very unlikely that you'll get the chance to. If she texts first; it'll come up from an unknown number. He'll add her and it'll say that her name already exists. Even if he really doesn't think anything odd of that, which would be unusual, you won't see the content of any of the messages.

Or he texts you. Then you pretend to be her? But you might not be able to pull that off. You don't know what she'd reply, or how she signs off texts, or if there are kisses. It'd be too easy to spot something was off. If it's a Work text that he sends; will you tell him that he's sent it to you and not her? Or just let him lose the work?

If he calls her, you won't be able to answer so you'll never know if it was a work or personal call. If she calls him; you'll never know what was said.

There's very limited benefit in doing what you're doing; and almost no benefit.

bigtissue · 30/01/2018 13:21

Don't change any settings, OP. Bide your time, an opportunity will present itself.

Pfftkids · 30/01/2018 13:21

I hope you find out what's going on soon, it can't be much fun for you wondering

Eatalot · 30/01/2018 13:23

Im hoping this turns out to be innocent. However just to say my builder sends emojis to both me and my hubby at the end of texts. In fact some texts are just a thumbs up or ok emoji.

mikado1 · 30/01/2018 13:24

As a pp said, he'll likely go to text her via their message thread and your plan will just tip him off. I would change numbers back and wait, hard as it will be, to get your hands on his phone, 'Pass me your phone I've no reception and need to make a call.' Good luck.

Usernumbers1234 · 30/01/2018 13:24

Calm, you might be right, but Equally those on the thread who have been cheated on may have a biased view of the whole thing so take their advice with a pinch of salt as well. There are inevitably people on here who see it all as a big game and enjoy stirring the pot (not suggesting Calm or anyone specifically, but it’s only natural that some will be doing that).

Given you have no other reason to suspect him and I’m assuming that it’s a fairly long standing marriage (given potential OW is 53 I assume we aren’t dealing with two 28 year olds here) has he not earned the right to a straight conversatiOn?

You’ve got a perfectly reasonable question to ask that can be phrased without accusing him of being a cheat. But the number changing and some of the other poor snooping techniques being suggested in here only make it look like you are convinced, and that might be hard to come back from.

FoxyAtFifty · 30/01/2018 13:24

"Also, you said, she's 54. Does that age make sense? Is your dh older? If he's in his 30s, it seems more likely this all has an innocent explanation,"

Sorry to burst your bubble, mindutopia but some older women are attractive to younger men. I'm in my 50s and had a small fling with someone over ten years younger than me. He pursued me, not the other way round. It didn't go very far - I saw sense and knocked it on the head (and changed jobs). Our paths cross occasionally, and I know he would like to take things further, but I'm not interested, and it's not fair on his wife (I didn't know he was married when we had our fling and this was the main reason I stopped it).

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 30/01/2018 13:25

OP it's not clever changing things in his contact list. If she messages him first you'll get caught. If he messages who he thinks is her first then you'll end up caught. You can't necessarily get the gist of the convo from one sided texts. This will all confuse him and if I was him I'd rather be shot of you, you could mess up his work!

Put the numbers back. Talk to him. Nothing is ringing alarm bells for me right now

NancyDonahue · 30/01/2018 13:26

I'm in the 'change it back' camp, op. I'm worried he'll notice or she will text hum first, and then he'll put everything in lockdown and get a story ready in case you ask him questions. He'll be one step ahead of you, whereas right now you are one step again of him (assuming anything is going on).

StrictlySnow · 30/01/2018 13:28

Yep to foxy’s point my ex cheated on me with someone 15 years older than me