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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH has hours of calls logged to a number I don't recognise

999 replies

livingontheedgeee · 29/01/2018 18:22

So, we use a phone provider where you pay for a monthly contract then need to add credit for things like calling overseas, dialling non-standard numbers etc. Normally DH and I keep £10 extra credit on just in case.
Last night, DH ran me as he's working away and asked me to top it up for him (he's completely technophobic).Normally I'd just log into the app on my phone but I was sitting at the computer at the time so I logged onto his online phone account to do it from there.

Right there, on the front page, it gave the top 5 numbers he calls with the number of hours associated with each number. One number he'd spoken to for 364 hours over the course of a month! Checking further (of course) he'd also sent 13 MMS to the same number meaning he's sending picture messages too.

Now he does use his phone a lot if he has to speak to clients and there are some clients he calls regularly but looking at the other calls, none of them are more than 10 hours across the whole month.

So, I went to his phone contacts list and lo and behold, here's the number assigned to some woman who I've never heard of.

I want to confront him but neither do I want to look stupid. He's never given me any reason to think he's messing about. Except perhaps he doesn't call me every day like he used to. Sometimes he goes two or three days without a call. This is the only change in his behaviour but thought it was on the back of me saying he needn't feel obliged to call every night.

Question is, do I call this number? Or do I ask him outright? Do I let it ride and see if he continues to call her?

OP posts:
Paperdoll16 · 30/01/2018 11:16

Someone mentioned checking a pattern for when the calls and texts were. This is vital. It's can help you to determine if it's an emotional or physical affair...

If the phone contact is predominantly when he's away then he's not with her.

If the phone contact is predominantly when he's home then it's because they're maintaining extensive phone contact whilst not together.

Sorry you're going through this Thanks

UnsuspectedItem · 30/01/2018 11:19

I don't have any advice beyond what PPs have already given but I just wanted to say that I hope you're okay, you seem to be handling it well unmumsnetty hugs

Rudeolf · 30/01/2018 11:20

I wouldnt mention the friend of a friend, he will get suspicious as you have deleted the number in the same week.

GertieMotherwell · 30/01/2018 11:20

Good advice paperdoll

SandyDenny · 30/01/2018 11:20

On my contract all emojis are charged as MMS, I've queried it with the provider after getting unexpected charges over my contract amount. This could be why he's used up his emergency £10 extra credit.

To whoever asked about it being an iphone the OP has said it's a microsoft phone.

Stormwhale · 30/01/2018 11:24

I would want to be face to face with him to properly gauge his reaction. If it's over the phone he can hide so much from you op. You won't see his face drop, he could pretend the signal dropped out to give him time before answering, he could hang up, again to buy time and blame the signal. You need to be face to face imo.

GertieMotherwell · 30/01/2018 11:26

livingontheedge if he is self employed or owns his own business take copies (photograph the screen with your phone) of all bank and savings accounts.
If he’s not being paid by an employer it’s very easy for him to hide income.

Ginpasta · 30/01/2018 11:32

This is awful. I've been in the same situation. I had lots of evidence after I started looking but my dh still denied everything. I opened up my own bank account and started putting money away. Can you do this? Do you live near where this woman does? I'd be tempted to park near her house & see if your husband goes there xxx

fobiddenfruitcrumble · 30/01/2018 11:37

Sorry if this has already been suggested but you could change the number under her name to yours, then you'll get any text messages meant for her.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/01/2018 11:41

Yes perhaps try this if you can edit his contacts remotely??

Can you swap her name to your number?

However - if he's got a smartphone where texts show as 'threads' this won't work!!! - and will let him know you have him busted.

LambMadras · 30/01/2018 11:42

Go get a cheap phone with a new SIM card then as previous posters have suggested, change the number of her contact to your new Sim. Then sit and wait.
Hope it's a good outcome OP. Thanks

Paperdoll16 · 30/01/2018 11:42

Sorry if this has already been suggested but you could change the number under her name to yours, then you'll get any text messages meant for her.

This has been suggested a lot. Unless he deletes their conversation trail most people just got back to where the convo left off and not initiate a new message each time. Going to their messages and seeing OP's name will only ring alarm bells that she's on to him. Do not do this.

Mammysin · 30/01/2018 11:43

Hope you are doing ok OP? Hoping against hope that, somehow, this isn't the dreadful deceit it seems to be...💐

amusedbush · 30/01/2018 11:44

Going to their messages and seeing OP's name will only ring alarm bells that she's on to him.

It wouldn't be OP's name, it would be this woman's name. It would be OP's NUMBER under the other woman's name.

Mycatisahacker · 30/01/2018 11:53

Flowers hope it’s innocent op x

Bedsox · 30/01/2018 11:54

Only problem there is if he tries to contact OP in an emergancy both names will come up so OP twice with 2 different numbers unless the OP deletes her actual number off his phone as well. You would then need to hope he doesnt know the OPs number.. i dont know my DH number by heart but i can recognise it because of the last 3 numbers. So sorry OP nobody deserves to feel the way you do have you thought about calling him and just asking outright? Youll be able to gauge whether he is being honest by his reaction you could also make out you know more then you do to prompt more honesty. I so hope its innocent! Flowers

LagunaBubbles · 30/01/2018 12:09

Oh this must be horrible, it doesnt look good but OP I hope its an innocent explanation for you.

BrendasUmbrella · 30/01/2018 12:12

You know him best OP, but I'd be cautious about deleting her right after he asked you to do something to the phone, and then mentioning a friend who is messaging a woman a lot and what does he think about that. If he has upward of a hundred brain cells he'll probably think "Shit, this is getting close to home, better delete everything!"

I'd follow Skittlesandbeer's advice. Just get it done, like pulling off a plaster, and right in front of him. If it's innocent you eat humble pie for a day or two. If he's flustered and leaves or refuses to let you see his phone because of the principle of the thing or whatever, then he's up to no good.

mumpoints · 30/01/2018 12:23

I agree, just speak to him or decide to keep it to yourself for a little longer. If you start game playing, he could hide things so easily. I know you think he doesn't know anything technological but there seems to be things you don't know about him, so he may know more than you think. Or someone could help him with his phone to get rid of everything.

Namechanged36 · 30/01/2018 12:24

Very sorry indeed to read this horrible situation. I hope it turns out to be something work related.

I remember really well the horror of finding something that didn't add up (mine was train tickets for a day at the seaside when he was 'at work').

I wasn't on Mumsnet then so had no advice (I was too ashamed to ask anyone in RL - why is it that the wronged party so often feels ashamed?).

Anyway I just shouted at him when he came home. As was his way, he denied everything for a while and then finally cracked. Horrible.

Anyway, he is still with that woman and I think they are happy. We have managed to build a friendship because of some family ties.

I am with someone else. Things are ok. It still makes me sad to think of it but time does help with healing.

Good luck and best wishes OP.

livingontheedgeee · 30/01/2018 12:44

OK so I've changed her number to my work mobile number which DH never uses so won't recognise it. He'll never put two and two together that he can't send a message from the previous text string. If he rings my number, I'll know it's him and won't answer it. I've turned off the voice-mail so he doesn't get my personalised message. Now I'll sit and wait.

OP posts:
KatnissMellark · 30/01/2018 12:46

Fingers crossed it's innocent OP

DuggeeRulz · 30/01/2018 12:46

That is genius and I love it. Well done, OP! I hope it’s innocent for you, but if it isn’t, you’re so strong and cool you’ll be fine!

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 30/01/2018 12:47

Excellent plan. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Can you use this time to get a full picture of the financial situation? If your husband is a contractor he is essentially self employed, can you copy his P60 schedual for forethcoming jobs etc. Could help if this goes further.

alphajuliet123 · 30/01/2018 12:48

Oh my word, OP, pure genius!!!