Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has hours of calls logged to a number I don't recognise

999 replies

livingontheedgeee · 29/01/2018 18:22

So, we use a phone provider where you pay for a monthly contract then need to add credit for things like calling overseas, dialling non-standard numbers etc. Normally DH and I keep £10 extra credit on just in case.
Last night, DH ran me as he's working away and asked me to top it up for him (he's completely technophobic).Normally I'd just log into the app on my phone but I was sitting at the computer at the time so I logged onto his online phone account to do it from there.

Right there, on the front page, it gave the top 5 numbers he calls with the number of hours associated with each number. One number he'd spoken to for 364 hours over the course of a month! Checking further (of course) he'd also sent 13 MMS to the same number meaning he's sending picture messages too.

Now he does use his phone a lot if he has to speak to clients and there are some clients he calls regularly but looking at the other calls, none of them are more than 10 hours across the whole month.

So, I went to his phone contacts list and lo and behold, here's the number assigned to some woman who I've never heard of.

I want to confront him but neither do I want to look stupid. He's never given me any reason to think he's messing about. Except perhaps he doesn't call me every day like he used to. Sometimes he goes two or three days without a call. This is the only change in his behaviour but thought it was on the back of me saying he needn't feel obliged to call every night.

Question is, do I call this number? Or do I ask him outright? Do I let it ride and see if he continues to call her?

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 30/01/2018 07:45

Sorry you’re going through this. Immensely shitty.

I’m a big supporter of this combo:

  • definitely do all the detective work you can without showing your hand, even when it really really hurts;
  • definitely ‘confront him’ while still in detective mode. Something like those ‘I’ve just had a very interesting looong phonecall. I think I can safely say your worst fears have been realised. Now, I think I’d better hear your side of it.’ If denial say ‘what do you think it could be? Seriously, last chance.’

Said in a firm, calm, even tone. If you can manage it, even a bit exasperated, like a tired mummy prepared to believe the naughty boy.

Why do this? A) if he’s got a good explanation you haven’t fucked up your marriage/become a laughingstock and B) if he’s guilty, the chance at confession will be enormously useful to you afterwards.

Save the tears and recriminations until you have the information, I say.

If there is a good explanation, and all is well, you can always claim it was a prank call- contractors must have disgruntled clients/suppliers/etc somewhere in their pasts?

Side note: how great is MN at this stuff? All the technical suggestions I’m reading would be just gold to me in this situation. I am so impressed that I’ve had to remind myself how sad it is that so many folk here have had cause to learn it Sad. Hope the help you are all giving lifts your spirits.

Best of luck, love.

LizzieSiddal · 30/01/2018 07:49

Tourne some people don’t have a clue about phone bills and what is in them.
My friend has just found out her H is having an affair via his phone bill. She had suspicions and logged into their joint phone account. He was texting this women over 40 times a day and was making calls to the number for hours over the month. When she confronted him it was obvious he had not a clue that this would show up in his phone bill!

Some people don’t even try to cover it up as they don’t thibk they need to!

BitOutOfPractice · 30/01/2018 07:51

Oh lord op. I well remember that horrible churning, heart thumping feeling as all this stuff emerges.

So he's currently staying near where she lives?

The daily phone calls stopping would also ring alarm bells for me. It certainly sounds familiar Sad

MrsWineasaurus · 30/01/2018 07:55

Oh OP. I know this feeling too well. Hoping it's just a misunderstanding Xx

MonaTheMoaner · 30/01/2018 08:00

When’s he due back OP? Hoping it’s something innocent.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 30/01/2018 08:01

Just a thought, but does this lady have kids or an older relative that your dp might be working for but she is bankrolling and checking in, or a property where he works that she is project managing from Dumfries?

I have come across the above examples and it has all been innocent, but requires more phone calls etc. I hope it turns out to be nothing more, but good luck with your digging. I would certainly check the way you are checking; I'd just need to know xxx

Nanna50 · 30/01/2018 08:08

I'm hoping she is a very demanding client who has lots of questions, wants photos of materials and sends texts. Although I would wonder why he hadn't mentioned it.

Is there a pattern to the calls, can you look further back on the bills?

Mooey89 · 30/01/2018 08:16

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
It’s not looking good but I am hoping for an innocent explanation

walkingdowntheboulevard · 30/01/2018 08:19

Op you are sensible to get all your ducks in a row, when he's home just casually ask him how he knows "her name" and then ask for his phone and check messages. His reaction will give you the answer.

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 30/01/2018 08:20

I wouldn't automatically assume the worst - I manage construction and renovation contracts as part of my job (designer) and could easily spend that amount of time / messages in a month with a main contractor. Most of the jobs I manage are no where near where I live either and would be listed under the clients name not mine.

I'm generally quite a cynical and suspicious person but there could be a perfectly innocent explanation.

How old is your DH?

(Have just got off a 25 minute call to the foreman of one of my current projects and will probably talk to him again later in the day - so the time can add up)

NapQueen · 30/01/2018 08:34

151 messages. 13 mms and 6 hours of call time per month.

And he has never mentioned her. Yet he moans about the other clients he spends less time talking to.

Im afraid i would ask for his phone, put it in my pocket then ask "who is X?". After he has attempted an explaination check his phone there and then.

notapizzaeater · 30/01/2018 08:44

Do you know where he's staying ? Is it in a hotel ? B and B ?

Loyaultemelie · 30/01/2018 09:27

Sorry op I hope that there is a different, reasonable explanation for this Thanks

Rosielily · 30/01/2018 09:33

Will he hand over his phone just because you ask though? Would that raise suspicion if there is something going on? Perhaps better to look at his phone when he's left it lying around assuming you know his pin code? Can you check FB activity - ie do you have his log in details? Hope you get to the bottom of this. Feel for you x

Needsleepnow87 · 30/01/2018 09:45

Oh dear.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/01/2018 09:49

Ducks in a row indeed.

She (and he) can wait - it's bank statements and money you need to think about first sadly.

mumpoints · 30/01/2018 09:57

Has he worked in Dumfries? Have family there?

Jazzy11 · 30/01/2018 09:58

How far away are you from there ? I'd drive up there and stalk where is he staying to see !x

Original poster
livingontheedgeee · 30/01/2018 10:04

Thanks everyone for your support. I absolutely hate having to play detective and thought my days of doing it were well and truly over.

I've deleted her number from his contacts list (I can do this remotely as he has a MS phone). Just waiting to see how quickly he adds it back in. He will just think he's done something stupid on the phone and deleted it by accident.

I have a friend of a friend whose husband works away for weeks at a time. All the signs are that he is living a double-life when he's away from home and it's something DH and I have discussed. I'm going to initiate a conversation with him along the lines of she's found out he's speaking to an unknown woman for hours and has hundreds of texts logged to the number etc. etc. and see what kind of reaction I get from him.

His reaction will dictate what I do next. He isn't home for a while and I can't sit on this for that long.

OP posts:
PastaOfMuppets · 30/01/2018 10:08

Can you check the dates of calls/msgs with when he was working home/away? See if there is a pattern, like calls and msgs when he wasn't anywhere near her but no calls or msgs when he was near, or one msg and long calls daily when he wasn't near her but lots of msgs and only quick calls when he was near her, that sort of thing? If you can see a pattern maybe you can work out if there is a chance she is a work contact or something else entirely?

Sppapp · 30/01/2018 10:08

So sorry you're going through this.

Has he got an iPhone? In that case you might be able to log into his iCloud and check his photos. You can then look at the time of the sent MMS and see what photo he's got on his camera roll from that time.

You might also be able to track his phone to see what he's doing in the evenings when he's away?

mumpoints · 30/01/2018 10:09

I think he may well see through that and get wary. My advise is either to tell hm straight out and give him a chance to explain or come clean, or to find out more without him knowing.

If yu are straight, there is no reason for him to be. He couldn't simply join in with your pretense and then cover his tracks.

PastaOfMuppets · 30/01/2018 10:09

Just read your update - I'm really hoping it goes ok LivingOnTheEdge, I feel a bit sick for you.

mumpoints · 30/01/2018 10:09

Sorry about typos. Freezing hands.

SandyDenny · 30/01/2018 10:19

Are there any other phone records that you can get remotely? Web searches or anything?

Swipe left for the next trending thread