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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbour issues AIBU

738 replies

spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 17:47

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Hidingtonothing · 29/01/2018 23:46

Good luck for tomorrow OP, if you do have to speak to her try to imagine all of us standing behind you, like a solid wall of MN resistance That ought to do it!

Cheeseislife · 29/01/2018 23:51

You sound absolutely lovely, I really hope you find some strength tomorrow if needed!

HeebieJeebies456 · 29/01/2018 23:56

OP, you're not dealing with a 'normal' person so your reaction has to be completely different to how you would 'normally' do things.
This woman is an expert at choosing her victims and getting her hooks into them using manipulation, fear, obligation and guilt.

I've only recently extricated myself from my next door neighbour (after being reeled back in despite umpteen attempts) who uses the same techniques this woman does....the only way for me is to go completely no contact with him.
i managed it is via recording my last contact with him on my phone - from his constant knocking on and shouting through my door, to my conversation with him where i told him to stop contacting and harassing me, he got shouty and abusive which is all recorded too and he knows i'll take it to the police if he bothers me again.

I have tried locking the door whilst I’m in, she knocks at window sets dog off barking
This is harassment and you need to make that verbally very clear to her.
My neighbour would keep tabs on my movements - he could hear my front door being open/closed, if my cats were out he knew i was home, he'd look through my keyhole etc
He'd shout that he knew i was home and to stop ignoring him.
He knew i got paid at end of the month and would time his demands to borrow money perfectly - so i couldn't use being skint as an excuse.

He, like your neighbour, knew exactly what he was doing and how it makes someone feel - but these people don't care, they lack empathy and will continue abusing you to get their own way.

Stop allowing her to do this to you.
Have a screaming fit at her, be rude and tell her to fuck off, threaten her with the police - anything that breaks this toxic hold she has on you.

Cakefortea1 · 30/01/2018 00:11

How did today go?

CrustyCob · 30/01/2018 00:20

@spagbol
I'm so sorry that your neighbour is pressurising you so much.
You are entitled to rest up, take care of your health, and spend time with your DP and children.

We made the same mistakes with two of our neighbours. Both fit and active and keen on their long haul holidays too!.
A helping hand now and then, turned into phone calls and demands several times a day. It was too much, our own health is not great.

I say we are too busy. When the guilt trips start, I suggest that they ring their family who live a few streets away.
It gets easier after the first time, and they are getting the message now....eventually. All good wishes and make sure that the focus is on you and your lovely family You can do this

devilinme · 30/01/2018 07:50

Please say no more to this woman today, you'll feel much better afterwards, I promise

Original poster

spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 09:01

Morning mumsnetters I have had a lovely lie in my partner took son to school and I’m just catching up on my housework. I’ve shown my partner the thread and he realises to it’s too much. I am dreading her knocking today but will see

OP posts:

retirednow · 30/01/2018 09:02

Have a lovely day, the sun is shining, keep us updated

HolyMountain · 30/01/2018 09:06

Instead of dreading her knock think of it as the opportunity to tell her you will not be doing things as before.

It’s February this week, use the thought of a new month being the start of a new routine that doesn't involve her running your life.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/01/2018 09:12

You will feel brilliant once you've got rid of her. Strong and confident. Relaxed at home. It will be worth the hassle and worry of the change.

Original poster

spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 09:13

Thanks all you have filled me with hope I can do this xx

OP posts:

retirednow · 30/01/2018 09:23

of course you can do this xx

Sweetpea55 · 30/01/2018 09:29

I have an elderly neighbour like this...perhaps not as bad now because things have had to change.
When her husband was alive,she would ring often to say one of them had fallen ,could I go and help pick them up..I didn't mind that. Then it got to ringing during the night,,think 2-30 am..husband fallen out of bed and wedged between bedside cupboard and bed..We had lots of these type of calls,,,although they both had those emergency buttons.
The last straw was when she rang me to say she had poohed herself and it was all over the bathroom.... Now I have a block on the phone from 6pm to 8am and just keep saying no to anything else, She has no children but a niece who works full time and lives locally,,,She is run ragged,. She rang her a work yesterday because she wanted something bringing from the bathroom..(she's immobile ) and expected niece to leave work and come and sort it out She also has carerers during the day and evening but the times never suit her,

Sweetpea55 · 30/01/2018 09:30

Forgot to say,,OP...You sound a lovely caring person..but your kids come first,,She isn't your responsibility,,, You can do it,,!!

Littlemissdaredevil · 30/01/2018 09:42

Good luck

Original poster

spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 09:45

Sweetpea- I am a naturally caring person but I have started to feel negatively towards her due to the expectations. You neighbour sounds worse to be fair I think I would draw the line when it comes to bathrooming. I think it’s partly my fault I’ve let it go on and on until I’m about to snap. It has made me feel totally overwhelmed with day to day while when I normally cope very well with my daily routine.

OP posts:

Mummblebee · 30/01/2018 09:48

Haha @ id block her number. That's what I'd do too.

Original poster

spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 09:52

Mumm that would be lovely if that was the only issue however she would just turn up at my house

OP posts:

BMW6 · 30/01/2018 09:59

OP she is totally manipulating you. Jus cos she's elderly doesn't mean she isn't a bullying bitch.
You don't need to give excuses. Just say No I Don't Want To.
She knows what she is doing and she doesn't give a shit.

BMW6 · 30/01/2018 10:03

Practise in a mirror.
"No." Then hold her gaze.
If she asks why you are being unhelpful tell her you have far too much to do and you realise that she has been taking the piss.

Mummblebee · 30/01/2018 10:08

Ok in that case the next time she knocks the door I would say something like " this is beginning to cause me stress. I don't want you knocking my door anymore for things. "

There's really not much she can say to that. She might apologize. Just say ok and close the door firmly. Point made. She can find someone else to take advantage of. So not feel sorry for her she is taking the piss without a second thought for you. Self entitled is what it is. She needs a reality check. I also wouldn't be afraid if she thinks you are rude or cold.. just means she will be more likely to stay clear.

Maggiewashere · 30/01/2018 10:13

What an appalling woman. I was shocked when you said 70ish. People of that age are normally busy enjoying their retirement or looking after grandchildren.
I have several elderly neighbours here, I mean 85 and over, and I'm very occasionally asked for help which I'm delighted to give. None of them take advantage, in fact they're all active and independent.
Please take the advice from pp and stop letting this woman do this to you.

Original poster

spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 10:18

Ok mumsnetters
She has just been round, she just walked in along with a jar of coffee- said she couldn’t open it, so my partner opened it. I calmly said I’m not venturing out today I’m not feeling myself and going to the doctors. She asked about my car I did tell a porkie and say I’ve had to book it in for next Tuesday well it’s not a lie really as it is booked in for 2 new tyres. I asked if she needed any bread or milk me or partner would get it for her before partner goes to work. She said yes bread and a birthday card.

I just need to follow this through now

OP posts:

KingIrving · 30/01/2018 10:20

You will. The first time is the hardest. Stay determined, but in the future try not to offer to pick something for her.

Original poster

spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 10:22

Yes I know but if I didn’t say that she would keep asking for me to take her to town and I can’t bear it at the moment

OP posts:

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