Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour issues AIBU

738 replies

spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 17:47

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
skippykips · 29/01/2018 21:31

The signs on door seems quite good. I feel from what you say she would probably not take any notice.
Tomorrow, I would possibly just not open door. Close curtains. Turn your phone on silent and relax. (Even temporarily blocking her number to avoid feeling the need to answer call)
That way you are not being confrontational, you are ignoring. She does not need to know you are home.
If she pops round whilst DP is in, tell him to say 'she is inside resting/sleeping and does not want to be disturbed.

They are just my suggestions. Not sure if it is convenient for you.

What ever happens OP, you must take tomorrow for yourself! Good luck at Drs. Have a rest, physically and emotionally!

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 21:32

Thanks rowdy yes I’m feeling better, I think I need to do this for my children and for me and I must stop feeling guilty. i will let you know how I get on tomorrow everyone, wish me luck x

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 21:35

skippy yes they are good suggestions, dp will happily say that and he will probably say I need a break too because he is getting tired of it too.
I will try my best and hopefully succeed and enjoy a lovely day with my daughter not been harassed and demented xx

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/01/2018 21:36

Have a lovely day tomorrow Flowers

Be strong. Take some time out for yourself. Thinking of you.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 21:38

Thanks aaaarrghhh Smile

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 29/01/2018 21:40

Look out for yourself and yours. The phrase 'I think you have been taking advantage of my good nature ' would not be unfair. Have one or two stock phrases ready and just be like a broken record. 'No, I can't take you shopping any more'. 'No, I can't lend you food'. 'No, I don't do treatments at home any more'. Then a few pleasantries like 'i hope you are well' to make small talk only (be ruthlessly firm but always polite' Remember! You are in the right.

skippykips · 29/01/2018 21:43

Be strong for tomorrow. Enjoy your lovely day with your children. Keep us updated on whether she popped round or asked for favours! Hopefully, you found a way to not help her.
Hope chat with dr helps you.

ChasedByBees · 29/01/2018 21:52

...came round to ask for 5 potatoes. I know she didn’t need them I only took her to do a huge food shop Tuesday and I have took meals round so she deliberately made me feel awful asking for 5 potatoes.

If she is deliberately making the person who does her so many favours feel awful because she had some time with her father, then she is a horrible person. It shows he does doesn’t like you or care about you beyond what you can do for her.

Stop it all. No more meals, she’s capable cooking for herself. She has royally taken the piss and is sucking all your energy.

You don’t want to look back and think of all the time you missed out on your children.

And she is so cheeky coming round getting you to blow dry her hair for free. Who does that?

cozietoesie · 29/01/2018 21:55

Could you drop her a note setting out your new position?

Gide · 29/01/2018 21:57

Be strong, you need to withdraw for your sake and the sake of your poor dc who obviously don’t want to spend their weekends trawling round three supermarkets! Practise saying no, you don’t need to give excuses, you’re allowed to say you just don’t want to. I’d go nuts if she banged on the window and set off the dog when my dh is on nights!

Be strong, OP, your dc need your company doing normal family things more than she needs you. Don’t get drawn in, don’t let her in, tell her you’re off out when she calls and when she asks to go shopping, just tell her no, you’re doing xyz.

I feel very sorry for you, I used to dodge my neighbour who was a massive cf too.

Jaygee61 · 29/01/2018 22:00

Why are her son and daughter responsible for her, Jay?

I’d be appalled if my perfectly capable elderly mother was taking advantage of neighbours in this way, wouldn’t you?

FittonTower · 29/01/2018 22:02

If you feel like you can go round when her children are there it might be worth turning up with home help and dial-a-ride leaflets. Tell her, while they are listening, that you're ever so sorry that you aren't able to help as much any more but you're worried about her being all old and vulnerable and isolated so here's some info about local schemes. Get your partner to do it maybe, you could even talk to the children and ask if they want you to ring em when she's calling round a lot - so they know when the helpless old dear is struggling.....

thegreylady · 29/01/2018 22:05

I am 73 and often offer my 50ish neighbour a lift if I am going to town. She doesn’t ask though I wouldn’t refuse. Your neighbour is taking advantage.

Lonesurvivor · 29/01/2018 22:10

That woman is taking complete advantage of your good nature, she clearly has no boundaries.
It's going to take her a long long time to realise you won't be taken advantage of any longer. She'll keep asking and bank on making you feel guilty. Don't let this happen.
When she asks for lifts to the shops tell her you don't have time but suggest sh tries online shopping as you find it great.
When she asks for hair/nails give her the number of your salon or one close to home if you'd prefer and say you don't have time but this place is great.
When she makes comments about your takeaways and moans about having to make herself some give her the number of a takeaway that delivers.
When she comes around looking for food/ingredients tell her that's the one item you forgot to buy and while she's at it would she mind picking some up for you.

Unicorn81 · 29/01/2018 22:15

Im sorry she is treating you like this, you dont deserve it and you are not her carer so dont need the added pressure. I would have done the same as you, ordering shopping online and explaining you dont have time. Perhaps she can be referred to council for some home help? You sound lovely but she really isnt your responsibility, you need to take care of yourself and your family.

TeaAndToast85 · 29/01/2018 22:21

I think your DP needs to go round there and tell her that all the favours need to stop. He should say that you are at busy, and need your free time for family/relaxation. Once the line in the sand has been drawn, it will be easier to stick to. If it comes out of the blue and she doesn't know how you feel then she will try to take the piss more. Good luck x

crazycatgal · 29/01/2018 22:22

I don't think that giving excuses will work. You need to tell this CF that you want to spend your days off relaxing and spending time with your children - not running her about.

ATownCalledGallus · 29/01/2018 22:32

My son told her to shut up in the super market last week he said he couldn’t listen to her any more.

I'm sorry spag, but I couldn't help a little smile at that! Not normally how you'd want your kids to talk to their elders, but I think in this case ... go spag's DS!! Grin

You sound like a lovely person and I am totally rooting for you, like I think everyone else on this thread.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/01/2018 22:50

Here's an "excuse" for when you are caught off guard "No, sorry, I can't do any of that this week, I have too much else on."

See how I extended that to a full week?

Don't expect it to get better in one day. She is likely to ramp up the pressure for a while first.

Remember she is a cheeky fucker not a poor frail little old lady. She knows it is incredibly easy to make you serve her ladyship with a bit of sad eyes and poor me whines.

I recommend making a point of noticing how manipulative she is. Like with the 5 potatoes, the takeaway, walking instead of taxi, etc. Train yourself to notice the guilt, pause, think "shit, you are trying to manipulate me into giving my time to you instead of my children again! Wait until I tell MN about this."

Kittyp75 · 29/01/2018 22:52

OMG was getting so angry for you reading this. I hope you find the strength to keep saying no and that she leaves you alone.

Good luck at the doctors and have a lovely chilled day.

Sidge · 29/01/2018 23:01

You’re not going round the twist.

You’re a very kind and giving woman and have been totally taken advantage of.

It’s time to reclaim your life! Don’t let her over the doorstep - it’s easier to stop her coming in than to try and get her out.

Don’t be browbeaten into doing her more favours. Saying no is tough but the more you do it the easier it gets! Remind yourself you’re not a bitch for saying no, you’re not being a bad neighbour, she’s hardly incapacitated and if you don’t play to her tune it sounds like she’s more than capable of getting her own shopping and nails done.

I’m all for looking out for the vulnerable and elderly but she’s as vulnerable as Vinnie Jones.

Jassmells · 29/01/2018 23:14

Tell her you don't have time
To shop anymore, switch to online. Let her see the van arrive!

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/01/2018 23:20

Several posters have recommended that you maybe cut down on the favours and do something for her only if it suits you. DO NOT DO THIS. Any chink in your armour will be perceived as a way in by her and before you know it you'll be back to square one and driving her to four shops every day. I think you need to cut out all favours/ lifts/ errands for her and certainly stop taking food round. She's not a frail little old lady. I also think you should be upfront with her and not lie or make excuses. You are under no obligation whatsoever to facilitate her easy life.

cozietoesie · 29/01/2018 23:22

.....She's not a frail little old lady........

Yes indeed.

Kotare · 29/01/2018 23:28

I feel quite angry that this woman is treating you so badly. What exactly does she do in return? A few sweeties does not really compensate for losing all your free time.

I think it is going to be quite difficult to adjust this relationship to a more reasonable odd favour and she is likely to get quite cross. Be prepared for her to have an almighty strop and stop speaking to you. This might be the best outcome for you.

Have a think about what YOU want. If it is hard to put yourself first, think about your kids and put them first. They only have one mum and you need to enjoy them now.

Good luck OP, you sounds like a lovely neighbour and deserve better.