Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

Keep going OP, on your side here.
Don't leave your door so that she can just walk in. Try your best not to offer to pick something up for her.

We could get a posse up if you like and go round to her house and say:
"We've come for our spuds".

Well done OP. Stop offering to get bread and milk and every day things for her. This is an opening for her to ask you for other things. If she is fit and healthy there is no reason why she can't get her own bread and milk.

Don't be afraid to be blunt with her. So what if she takes offense. Does she really add anything to your life?

Cross posted OP. This woman is making you unwell, I can read the stress here. This is not good for your health at all. It really is not on. You sound so kind and she is a CF.

Hahaha thanks crusty

Imo using excuses won't work, she'll come round again when she thinks you're better or the car is fixed. You need to tell her straight so that she stops asking.

Yes she is making me unwell. However I also said Saturday my son is at a birthday party all day so me and daughter will be out going swimming. Sunday my partner has a rare day off so we will also be out Sunday all day. I’m hoping she will get the message soon

She just walked in? Does she let herself into your house?

Why did you offer to get bread and milk? It’s really not your problem. I’m someone who likes yo help people but she is taking advantage of you and your niceness is making it easier for her to do.

Keep your door locked and don't offer to do ANYTHING for her, however small. That's how this whole mess has started, with you doing the odd favour. Now it's snowballed. You need to go cold turkey - no favours regardless of how guilty you feel.
LOCK YOUR DOOR NOW!

I really understand all of the criticism but I am struggling to be strong enough to cut her off, I offered to get bread and milk as I am far too soft

Hi Spagbol

Everyone is on your side here. You do not have to give her reasons. You just say that it is no longer possible to help. No reasons, it is none of her business.

She is fit and able to help herself, keep reminding yourself of this.

Keep it short as you can.
Repeat it over and over like you would say "computer says no" .

Your personal life is your own business, and nothing to do with her at all.

You can be polite but keep it short.
End of. The rest is none of her damn business.

It is scary at first, but you can do this.[flower]

OP how are you going to stand up for your kids over the years when you can't stand up to a lone harmless albeit a pain in the arse woman?

I mean I hope you can get help for your anxiety

I can't stand it when people are taken advantage off, really makes me angry. I'd quite happily knock round and give her what for if I lived near to you.

She just walked in? Bloody hell, she's got more neck than a 3 headed giraffe.

Lock your door. If she bangs on it, ignore it.

Stop making excuses. Just say no. Don't offer, don't compromise.

I know it's really hard but you have to stop this. I'd be inclined to send her a letter or text (paper trail!!) outlining that her constant intrusion and requests are making you unwell and stressed, and she needs to stop knocking, banging on the window, walking into your home, and asking for things. If she persists you will be calling the Community Policing Team for advice as her behaviour is bordering on harrassment. It might just make her stop and think.

Fingers crossed for you

You need to say you are fully booked. I do this, when I have worked out clients are not genuine. She sounds lonely and unfortunately you should know as part of our job as a therapist, people come to us because they want to feel looked after

Gosh I would be embarassed to call on a neighbour to open a jar of coffee for me.
Most older people (myself included) want to remain as independent as possible and I think she is purely a user, sorry she is a lazy bitch, and it suits her to have the op running after her.
She should be putting on a pair of rubber gloves to assist her grip (like the rest of the population do) rather than disturbing her neighbours !
Op you are going to have to become very firm, let her get her own bread and milk the exercise will do her good!

Housework- I think standing up for your children is totally different and in the past I have managed fine doing this, however I think after coming off my anti depressants and this becoming overwhelming for me I’m really struggling to say no to her, I have today stood my ground and I hope to continue to do this.

I know I need to be firm and today (if I hadn’t posted this last night) is of taken her shopping and trailed round all day, however I’ve taken the first step to putting my kids and myself first and I feel calm and happy, so it’s clear she is my trigger

OP I agree you find the strength from somewhere when it comes to your kids.

I just hate the fact you are really struggling to stand up to this woman. It will have a knock on effect because your kids will see you stressed and sad.

I feel calm and happy

Keep it up OP

Well done op

Positive steps! And I'm so glad that you're already feeling a little calmer

People here only want the best for you. We can see how outrageously cheeky your neighbour is. And it's genuinely upsetting to read someone so obviously in distress. (I won't be the first person to say if you were anywhere near me I'd offer to step in! And I'm not the confrontational type either)

But you're making a stand. Which is brilliant. sending you lots of strength!!

Yes I totally agree. Today is the start anyways, and I need to keep focused and keep putting my family first

Have you locked your door yet?!