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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour issues AIBU

738 replies

spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 17:47

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

OP posts:
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Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:47

After writing it down it seems so much more worse

OP posts:
missymisdemeanor · 29/01/2018 20:47

I totally understand how you feel. If I were you I would exagerate a little and blame 'the doctor'

"Oh I'm so sorry, I went to see the Dr yesterday and he says must rest and do weekly exercise so we are going swimming every saturday now"
and that sort of thing. Or get DH to pop round and say "I know how much you care about Spag, and I don't want to upset you but she's been workign really long hours recently and I have instructed her to rest at the weekend and I will do all the shopping. If you need me to show you how to order on line I am happy to"

Idontdowindows · 29/01/2018 20:47

That sounds like a lovely day. So if there are shenanigans from her, just go "sorry, our day is full, I have no time!"

missymisdemeanor · 29/01/2018 20:49

Does she pay you for your work?

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:52

No she doesn’t pay me to do her hair/nails she just expects

Omg this sounds worse and worse

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:54

I only started doing it as she had an operation on her arm and couldn’t do her hair/nails but now she comes round and says oh I need something doing with my hair, or oh I washed my hair but couldn’t be bothered to blow dry it could you do it, things like that

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 20:54

The more I’m writing the more I’m wondering if i am going around the twist doing all this

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 29/01/2018 20:56

You're not going around the twist. You're just a lovely, kindhearted woman and you're being taken advantage of by a wrong'un.

tattychicken · 29/01/2018 21:00

Maybe that's the reason her children aren't that involved with her, coz she's a pain in the arse. There's probably threads on here about her being a nightmare MIL!

Jammycustard · 29/01/2018 21:01

She’s not a good person. Slack her off.

witchofzog · 29/01/2018 21:01

Please please tell her tomorrow. Think how much better you will feel when you are having your lovely relaxing day with your dd. You just need to be blunt. As another poster said, exaggerate your GP appointment and say you have been ordered to rest and that from now on you need to just spend time with your family as doing all the extra is making you ill. If she pushes it just re iterate that no you cant. It is making you ill. And repeat until she stops asking

cozietoesie · 29/01/2018 21:02

A poster upthread said something like 'It doesn't matter if she's offended' - which it wouldn't. I have to say, though, that I wonder whether she's capable of being offended. Ms Sensitive she doesn't sound like.

Jaygee61 · 29/01/2018 21:02

The son and daughter are taking advantage of you as much as she is. The more you do for her the more they will sit back and let you get on with it.

SoIAskYou · 29/01/2018 21:04

OP I would be totally the same. I usually rely on DH to do the talking for me when I feel overwhelmed. You can ask your partner to go round to hers and tell her to stop, that you won't be doing all of that for her anymore.
I know how you're feeling Flowers but we have to be strong. Sometimes getting angry helps, it gives me the courage to speak up.

Cosmic123 · 29/01/2018 21:04

Oooo I hope I have a neighbour like you when I'm an old lady to ferry me around Grin
You're really kind but don't do things you don't want to or you will end up resenting people.
I say this but I wish i could follow my own advice x

Bahhhhhumbug · 29/01/2018 21:07

I thought that Jaygee they probably were driving her round etc before the op moved in quite recently, l would've thought. They probably thought all their birthdays had come at once when the op gradually took over doing everything for her. You can see where they get it from though can't you with her being their mother an all.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 21:13

I think that’s a possibility she drove them dotty. And they find it so much easier now. I must stick to my guns and follow this through though. Each time I decline it will improve I think. It’s got to. I have just fecking scolded my thumb making a hot water bottle, that is a fine excuse for tomorrow it’s all red and purple luckily I had a first aid kit it’s stinging like mad though.

OP posts:
Sprinklestar · 29/01/2018 21:14

Why are her son and daughter responsible for her, Jay?

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 21:15

Cosmic- I wish I had a neighbour like me now, it would make life so much easier ha.
I actually hadn’t realised the extent it had got to until I have poured my little head out on here

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 29/01/2018 21:16

Do you have a friend or relative (other than your DO) that could 'deal with her', OP?

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 21:21

No cozie I only have my dad and my partner that I am close with.
X

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 29/01/2018 21:23

Pity. Myself, I'm boiling about her treatment of you........

AhNowTed · 29/01/2018 21:27

Make a list of ready excuses..

Friend coming round
Waiting for delivery / boiler man / window cleaner...
Kids have a play date / activities...
Have a headache / nausea / dizzy
Problem with car
No money
Etc etc etc

rowdywoman1 · 29/01/2018 21:29

I hope that you're feeling a bit better about her now OP? The day you have planned sounds lovely.

In time hopefully you'll be able to stop doing her nails as well. Certainly if she arrives needing a hair dry it has to be 'Oh I'm sorry but I'm busy with child so can't help.

Have a lovely day.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 21:30

yes I do try the excuses, however there is days she catches me off guard and I’m about to go food shopping or say into town and she asks to join, I say yes then regret it immediately. My son told her to shut up in the super market last week he said he couldn’t listen to her any more. That was definitely my turning point. I didn’t tell him off, I felt like telling her to shut up too

OP posts: