Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

Oh Yes. A good start.

..... Problem is she doesn’t need to go fecking shopping twice a week. She just uses it as an excuse......

You're getting there.

You've done brilliantly op. Keep going , you don't owe her a thing. Focus on you and your family.

Its easy to get into this situation, you were new to the area, she had a wonky arm, she probably seemed liked a friendly face who just needed a but of help but she has taken advantage of your good nature. Its not to late to change the situation, you can still give her the occasional wave when you see her and say hello but don't go round there at the moment or let her into your house. Are you a bit of a chatterbox and a but too trusting of other people like me

Any chink in your armour will be perceived as a way in by her and before you know it you'll be back to square one and driving her to four shops every day. I think you need to cut out all favours/ lifts/ errands for her and certainly stop taking food round. She's not a frail little old lady. I also think you should be upfront with her and not lie or make excuses. You are under no obligation whatsoever to facilitate her easy life.

^this!

If she can go on long haul holidays or wandering round a city for the day she doesn’t need you to take her to the shops. Or buy bread for her.

If she can buy make up online she doesn’t need you to do her internet shopping for her.

If she can’t afford to pay for her nails and hair to be done by someone else she should do them herself. But the long haul holidays suggest she could afford to pay.

(I could point out that she might prefer to buy loo roll from B&M but that’s tough luck if you’re not going there but won’t as I don’t think you should be taking her shopping at all)

I know you’re struggling with anxiety or depression but I think believing you owe her something will only make that worse. You don’t owe her anything except a friendly smile when you pass in the street.

You're doing well spag, small steps and all that.Ignore the 'not read the thread but here's my two pennies worth' posters

"You were battering my door for that?! I am rather busy now as you can see. Good bye madam!" and shut the door on her

I like this Rabbit.

Puts me in mind of our own Dear Miss Jolly's "Now Bugger Off and Good Day To You!"

she plays things like oh I’m so fed up nobody comes to see me I never go anywhere etc

There is an old woman (80's) at our church like this - we ferried her all over, DH did little jobs in her home etc - she was always complaining she never saw anyone, and never got out, and she was on her own all the time etc.

The one day we ran into her at the shops (as it happens, she was buying a potato - just the one) and chatted to her. Got the usual litany of misery, but as we were standing there another lady said "Excuse me - I don't like to interrupt, but can I quickly say something to X?" (Of course)

"X - we got that theatre ticket you wanted. Ted'll pick you up at 7.00 and after the show we'll all go for a meal at CheekyFuckers Ahoy and make a night of it, and bring you home afterwards" "Oh I can't afford a meal out" - "That's our treat etc" Then she excused herself and apologised for interrupting and left.

We said nothing, but I mentioned it to someone else, and it turned out that she had about ten people all running round after her, taking her shopping, doing her washing, fixing her roof tiles - you name it!

(But she GENUINELY felt badly done to and abandoned.)

Have read the thread. Giving you my full support here OP.
There's been some excellent advice, tips and encouragement from these lovely posters.
Really pleased you're taking steps to rectify this cycle you have gotten into, learning to say No, to not give in to her grabby, cheeky fuckery demands. I actually find it disgusting that she feels this is the right way to behave.
I'm rooting for you OP, I'm rooting for more time with your kids and partner, I'm rooting for the relief you will feel and the improvement of your mental health.

Wow! Op congratulations you're doing so well!!

You're going to have so much free time to have a lovely life!!

Your neighbour is a bloody CF.... She's a capable woman who obviously has a lot of experience of manipulating people.
These people have a knack of finding the kindest folk and taking advantage.... I'm a fellow ex-kindly neighbour! Oh my i so remember

One thing I don't think that has been mentioned...
Its quite likely in the short term her demands may increase.... (it's called an extinction burst in psych!).. She'll feel you pulling back and so she may make her demands more frequent /urgent and up the emotionality!

Continue to stay strong..... She will disappear I'm sure of it... She'll find someone else to leech off... Or perhaps take some responsibility for herself.

The less excuses you make the stronger your current and future position is.. ('No I'm not doing that' rather than, 'I can't cos I'm taking car to garage!' ).

If you feel yourself wobbling : bullet point all the cheeky fuckery on a pad... Look at it regularly to remind yourself you owe this woman nothing...

Not her happiness /shopping /company

It makes me so annoyed that society makes /expects us women to do all this emotional labour... Always put others first/ be kind.... It's the sort of thing that leads to queues of women with mh issues astjeu are so overwhelmed by others' shitty expectations.... Men never have this..

UPDATE ALERT

Finished early at work today as I started an hour early, drove home and parked my car outside. Got pooch from inside and took him for a run round the block, although left my phone on kitchen side. I must of been home 4 minutes max since pulling up outside and came in with pooch to see missed call off neighbour

So I ignored it went for a wee and it went again so I answered she asked why I was home early from work, was I sick I explained no I started early and didn’t have full lunch hour so boss let me leave- then she started going out about the card I never got yesterday and when was the last time I took her shopping —- so here I said, sorry neighbour I won’t be taking you shopping anymore I’m really stressed and not feeling 100% at the moment so I won’t be doing the food shopping any longer partner will be doing it- so you need to make other arrangements. I’m spending my days off spending quality time with kids and resting from now on, said doctor advised me to relax and stop putting so much pressure on myself.

I AM SO PROUD

Well done!

Yay!! Well done!!

@ShadenfreudePersonified

This is the CrustyCobs- Posh-Pat-Next-Door you are describing. The roof tiles gave it away . She also would fit the one potato buyer profile.

Spagbol supporters all.... I admit to getting random giggles over the loose spuds in the supermarket today.

Let's hope these folks get their chips.

Boom boom

👏🏼

That was meant to be clapping hands.

What was her reaction?

#veryimpressed

ooooooooooooH
I cross posted and missed the update!!

Bursting with pride for you spagbol
Well done... hooray hurrah!

You beauty!

Her reaction was, a bit taken aback but she actually didn’t say anything bad, she said il give sons wife a call for her to take me, I said yes that’s a good idea although you could always do online shopping but I’m giving it up it’s become too much for me

WELL DONE YOU! You've nailed it. What was her reaction?

I think the missed call 4 minutes after I entered the house was the straw that broke the camels back.

Cross-post! Sounds like she's getting the message.

Congratulations.

Well done OP!!!!!