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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour issues AIBU

738 replies

spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 17:47

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

OP posts:
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Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 14:58

She honestly didn’t say much, she’s probably in shock I very rarely say no to her but she was going on and on about the last time I took her shopping and should we go Saturday so I just spat it out

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 31/01/2018 14:58

WELL DONE WELL DONE WELL DONE OP!

I am so, so proud of you Flowers Cake Star

Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 14:59

She had already planned our Saturday I could tell by her saying about the last time I took her was a Saturday and I never took her on Tuesday I thought if I don’t say it now I never bloody will

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 14:59

Good luck to sons wife Hmm

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 31/01/2018 15:00

Am practically cheering here, bloody well done OP 🏆 Much better this way, no need to keep making up new excuses and you can stop feeling spied on, total result! I don't doubt she'll try again before this is over but you've laid the foundation now so it should be much easier to stand your ground. You should be really proud OP Star

Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 15:01

I don’t know how I just did it, it just came out. And I don’t feel bad or guilty

OP posts:
Sidge · 31/01/2018 15:02

Well done Spagbol!!!

Now you need to block her number so she can't keep phoning you Wink

burblish · 31/01/2018 15:02

Hurrah for that update and hurrah for you! Well done! You’ve delivered the message you needed to - now stick to it and don’t let her reel you back in. No “just this once” or “well, I’m going to the shops anyway” or any of that - say NO to everything and don’t offer anything. You can do this, as you have already shown yourself!

ASimpleLampoon · 31/01/2018 15:02

Well done, spagbol I am so proud of you! You sound so much stronger and happier!

Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 15:03

It’s all down to you guys thank you all so much FlowersWine

OP posts:
toomuchangelcake · 31/01/2018 15:03

Yes op!!!!! You're a star!

So pleased you told her you won't be doing it. I'm sure she'll pop round later with more to say.

Just repeat what you said over and over. It might be more difficult face to face, but you've got this!!!!

tattychicken · 31/01/2018 15:04

Fucking brilliant. Well done. Now you've done it once the next time, (and I bet there will be a next time!) will be so much easier. You did really well.

HolyMountain · 31/01/2018 15:14

Well done and I bet you feel fantastic for saying how you felt.

You stood up to her and she now knows you're no longer a pushover to be ordered around, now you've done it once you can do it all the time

Really really pleased for you Grin.

seagreengirl · 31/01/2018 15:15

Well done love, Iv'e been rooting for you so hard!!

Be prepared for her to possibly start pulling some guilt trips on you, possible fake illness, family don't care etc. You have to be strong.

I really don't understand why she needs someone to take her shopping al the time, I would love to know what she did before you arrived.

CrustyCob · 31/01/2018 15:20

Well then spagbol you have done the hardest bit now.
I'm hopping with delight for you.
She will try again, but the next bit is to keep saying no.
So glad that you are feeling good about yourself

nonfatnofoamlatte · 31/01/2018 15:24

WELL DONE, OP!! Wow!Flowers
What gets me is she already knew you were busy this weekend but she still tried to make you take her shopping? She is a CF, isn't she! You will have to be prepared to repeat what you said to her - probably a few times before she realizes you mean it. But you did it once, you can do it again!! I'm so happy for you!

Sweetpea55 · 31/01/2018 15:24

Way-ta-go OP..!!!!! Well done.!! And how proud are you..?
You did great,,

Doctordid · 31/01/2018 15:24

As someone who struggles with anxiety and with saying no as much as you do I am bloody proud

Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 15:24

I never thought I’d be able to do it. I think I was unsure wether it was normal behaviour. I will carry on I promise can’t do this again Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 15:26

Yes she tried to make me feel bad u see she started off by saying I didn’t get the card, then when was the last time you took me shopping we will have to go Saturday blah blah so she was trying to make me feel guilty. She said she had tried calling sons wife for 2 days and she’s not answered. I don’t flipping blame her

OP posts:
PurplePotatoes · 31/01/2018 15:28

Oh well done OP, haven't commented before but have been reading your thread..you've done so well putting your foot down with her , I bet you feel like a massive weight has been lifted !

chickenowner · 31/01/2018 15:28

Well done!!! I bet you feel fantastic. Grin

Cloudyapples · 31/01/2018 15:30

Well done op!

HolyMountain · 31/01/2018 15:30

It'll be easy to say no now you've got the taste for it.

No
No
No
No
No
No.

ny20005 · 31/01/2018 15:30

Fantastic !! Well done you !

I don't think that will be the last you'll hear from her so stay strong & keep saying no, that doesn't suit me

My parents have a cf neighbour. When we were growing up, my mum used to say she suffered with her nerves

Now she's elderly & lives alone & keeps pressing her panic button when she wants company. They will ring round the neighbours & all but my dad don't go near her anymore

She calls ambulances all the time & I think she just wants someone to talk to & a change of scenery