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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour issues AIBU

738 replies

spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 17:47

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

OP posts:
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kissbeforelippy · 31/01/2018 12:45

She knows my movements she knows my days off as they’re the same every week and she also knows what time I leave and what time I’m home, she knows what shifts my partner works and when we’re in as can see our lights, she is used to knowing what days I go food shopping or into nearest town as I only get the 2 days off to do everything I need to. Bloody hell spagbol! Maybe if she is lonely and bored, MI5 could recruit her with skills like that!

Another person rooting for you here. Keep up the good work in putting you and your family first. Flowers

CoraPirbright · 31/01/2018 12:53

Well done OP - we are all behind you!

Can't get over her throwing such a horrid strop bf Christmas when you weren't at her beck & call. Tells you all you need to know (that & the fact that she never offers you £ for hair & nails. Outrageous!)

retirednow · 31/01/2018 12:59

What time would you normally be taking pooch out for a walk tonight, go earlier or later than usual, would you be able to go shopping after work which would leave you free on your days off to be with your lovely family. Don't put the lights on at the same time every night, draw the curtains, put them on a timer switch, I agree with kiss, let's call m15 for an application pack nowGrin

toomuchangelcake · 31/01/2018 13:03

@spagbol11 could your dp leave his car round the corner so it's not outside your house and then get him to answer when she knocks. He can just tell her you're in bed and maybe slip into conversation that his cars in the garage for a few days? To give you a break while he's away? She might be less inclined to knock because she may think he's in even though his car's not outside?
But extreme I know but anything to help give you a break from having to confront the woman every 5 minutes!!

user187656748 · 31/01/2018 13:05

Various supermarkets are doing a free trial of their delivery scheme atm. Sign up and get very visible deliveries a couple of times a week at times when you know she'll be around for the free four week period.

She'll get use to seeing the delivery van, realise you're not going to the shops and hopefully the message will be reinforced.

JackmanAdmirer · 31/01/2018 13:11

Get your DH to answer the door to her next time and say;

"Why do you think we owe you anything? Why should we run around after you with nothing in return. Your making my wife's anxiety and depression worse and I will not have anyone harming my family. Don't come around again."

She's able bodied and has her own family, there's no reason to feel bad about this!

Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 13:12

Sorry been busy st work, erm we don’t have a garage so that’s not an option but I wish we had one now and I’ve never wanted one before Blush me and my son take it in turns to take dog out he usually take himwhen he gets in from after school club 4ish and I take him about 7ish. Also the hiding thing yes I feel like I need to hide until I feel ready to tell her a plain NO. My thinking is if I keep the way I am for 2 weeks she will realise she has to go herself or get her son to take her as I can’t x

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Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 13:13

Problem is she doesn’t need to go fecking shopping twice a week. She just uses it as an excuse

OP posts:
toomuchangelcake · 31/01/2018 13:16

@spagbol11 sorry I meant the repair centre getting it's mot sorted or something Smile

Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 13:19

User I used to get my shopping delivered by Sainsbury’s ( they are only company that deliver where I live) and because I was sick of taking her and getting stressed out but I ended up spending a fortune and sometimes needed a £20 top up shop in the week. So I like to go to Aldi now and I always get my meat from butchers locally. My point is whatever I have tried before it hasn’t worked. She will always make a point she doesn’t just need x y z she needs to go to home bargains as that’s where she buys her toilet roll. My second point is she’s not happy with whatever you offer she wants to spend a full fecking day going round the shops, I’m only 30 (she must be 45 years older than me) and I can’t think of anything worse than spending a full day going round supermarket after supermarket to buy a load of shite. I have better things to do with my time, she doesn’t, she is bored and doesn’t realise the stresses of modern life

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Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 13:20

Ohhhh repair garage, yes could say that but she probably has special spies to sniff us out Grin

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HonkyWonkWoman · 31/01/2018 13:20

Just tell this CF that you will no longer be available for lifts or shopping or anything in fact.
As you are finding it all a bit of a drag.
Why are you pussy footing around her?
She's a user!
Get rid!
End of!

HonkyWonkWoman · 31/01/2018 13:22

She will fall out with you, of course!
Because she is selfish!
But good, at least she'll leave you alone!

Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 13:24

I’m pussy footing because I’m really struggling with my anxiety and depression if you rtft I’m really finding it difficult to stop it all

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Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 13:25

So I’m trying to gradually stop it which I’ve done well as I’ve done 3 of my days off without doing what she wants me to

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Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 13:27

I think the test will be Saturday so I need to be strong. I am going to take my son to his friends as he is at s party, do my normal weekly shop st Aldi then take my daughter swimming and come home, and do my own thing and not take her shopping

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CrustyCob · 31/01/2018 13:32

Hello there, just looking in....Grin

Great advice here. I hope that you realise that it is not you spagbol at all, but Mrs. Potato Head. She is a piece of work and a half! She would make me unwell too. You are doing great!

My two awful neighbours. Posh-Pat-next-door and Pushy -Jean-across-the-road are definitely in this league. Interestingly, they don't seem speak to each other. (Other neighbours are lovely, but everyone minds their own business).

Don't forget that this is your house, your safe haven, your family, your rules.

PS Where the hell did Mrs. PH get MacDonalds straws from?
Is the sell by date 1998 on them or what? Clearly she is getting out on her own when you are not about.

Take care you, we are all on your side here. Flowers

RavenLG · 31/01/2018 13:32

I’ve not rtft because 21pages.

I commend you on trying to stand up to her op, but honestly making excuses that your car is in the garage or you’re unwell isn’t going to cut it with this CF. It’s not addressing the problem of her being a CFN it’s a bandaid which will come off when you’re feeling better / the car is fixed etc. You need to sit her down and tell her you won’t be taking her anywhere anymore, you have a family of your own that needs your attention, that she’s not borrowing anything like 5 potatoes, that she’s not to pop around to whiter oh anymore and that would like your life back. Enabling her by going to get a loaf or some milk will escalate the problem by making her think you’re still a wimp and doing stuff for her. I hate confrontation so I know how it’s hard but honestly you’re making a rod for your own back.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 31/01/2018 13:37

I've read the thread and I have to say @spagbol11 I think you're doing great!
If she approaches you to bring her shopping, as cheery as you can muster up reply "Sorry...no can do this week...I'm up to my tonsils. Why don't you ask your son/daughter/nephew to bring you instead?" and keep going. You don't have to make up stuff as a reason why you don't want to bring her places, you don't actually have to bring her places. That is what her own family is for.
If you want to go for a walk, then go for a walk. There is no onus on you to pop in for bread and milk on the way. None. If you want to collect your kids from school and you want to get yourselves bread/milk/whatever, you don't have to get any for her. Her relatives can sort out a delivery service to look after their own mother.

Best of luck for Saturday. You've got a lot of people on MN cheering you on!!

retirednow · 31/01/2018 13:39

It will be difficult but you are getting there. Do you get any pleasure out of seeing this woman, would you choose her as a friend if she wasn't your neighbour, if the answer is no then just slowly cut her out of your life completely. She can go to the shops herself, the fresh air and exercise will do her goodSmile

Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 13:40

I will stop it but I just feel until I feel strong enough this is my best option.

Thanks I do really feel positive and you guys are helping me every single day to keep going. I have started my meds today and thought I would feel really sick and I feel ok so that is a bonus. I will keep on and I will get there

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WhatchaMaCalllit · 31/01/2018 13:40

Just a thought - if she asks you to do her nails again you must reply to that request "I'm not doing freebies any more as I was losing a lot of money by do that. If you're still interested, I will charge you 'mates rates'" and take 10%-20% off the price you would normally charge to get them done. Don't let her have them for free anymore.
I'd suspect that if she has to pay for them, she'll stop having them done as often.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 13:41

No I used to say hi when we first moved in and then somehow it’s spiralled into this, I don’t even know how. I wouldn’t wish her any harm but I would not like to see her like I do now as it is all too much.

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Original poster
spagbol11 · 31/01/2018 13:43

Yes the hair and nails has to stop. Definately. If she had her way on Tuesday I’d of taken her shopping to 3 supermarkets then done her a nice blow dry when we got back. No more.

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Idontdowindows · 31/01/2018 13:45

You'll get there OP, you've made a great start already :) Just think of all the lovely free time you'll have to spend with your family.

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