Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

No definately not this is why I have stood my ground. I went out last Saturday therefore didn’t take her, Sunday took kids swimming and out walking (didn’t take her) Tuesday (didn’t take her) and this weekend I am definately not taking her. It’s my fault I never realised the extent of it until I felt so overwhelmed and my partner said I need to go back to docs which I did, then I have realised with all the lovely mumsnetters I’m ok to stop this stupidness, and have realised my life was easier and stress free with out spending my free days feeling sorry for her. I will carry on as I am and probably mention her son will have to take her as I’m so busy and not 100 % at the moment

Spag I have anxiety and can totally relate to the struggle to say no.
Would your dp have a word with her? Could he tell her that you really aren't well and cannot be running about doing stuff all the time.
Would it help?

I know people exactly like this woman. Family do tons for them with no thank you and are slagged off massively to neighbours and friends as useless and neglectful. You don't have to put up with it as she isn't your problem.

He mentioned it yesterday to her and I also did, she even said I didn’t look well, however in one ear out the other, as she came round again wittering on before I was due to head out for school run x

Of course you could always bundle your NDN into either your DP’s or your car and drive her over to her son and dump her there for them to sort out!

'I'm sorry I'm really not feeling very well, dp is picking our shipping up on his way home at the moment and I can't ring him at work'
On repeat then.

You are doing brilliantly - well done. You sound like my mum - a really lovely person who would do anything for anyone ....then people do start to take the piss!! I have helped her to recognise that she mustn’t feel guilty if she is struggling (she is in her 70’s herself after all) and she really does more than enough already. Coincidentally, she also had a rotten relationship with her mother who was a pretty nasty piece of work. Probably something in that although it will take a wiser person than me to work it out.

Even more evidence that she doesn't give a shit about you beyond what you can do for her and all the more reason for you to stop caring about her imo.

Yes that is an option
I remember last week her mentioning that sons wife took her shopping previous week but only went to Aldi and waited outside for her so she couldn’t get everything she needed and was only in there half an hour- Truth is she’s just selfish and wants to trail round shopping and doesn’t realise how busy everyone else’s lives are. Well no longer will I do this I need to break the cycle and get back to my once strong self

Spagbol

Could you get one of those things that turn lamps on/off when you are non in just to break the light is on so spagbol is in?

Could you park your car round the corner so that CF doesn’t spit your car and think you are in?

You are doing brilliantly - stay strong! Give an inch and she will take a mile!

So much of what you are saying reminds me of my Mum and the neighbour we had as children. Wanted ‘outtings’ weekly to the library, to see her friends, taken to hospital....... If she had a head it cold it lasted at least three weeks and her legs were like jelly so she needed someone to go shopping for her. As we got older if Mum wasn’t available we were expected to do her shopping instead. She hadn’t got a fridge so needed daily shopping done for fresh goods. She had no telephone and expected to use ours as and when she wanted. It ended up with her house bound and bed ridden, Mum used to run up and down the road to her with pots of tea. She told Social Services they weren’t needed as her neighbours were looking after her fine (there was another lady sucked in too). When she died we missed her a lot but vowed never to get too involved again.

She started this nonsense at around age 70!

Yes I probably will benefit from counselling about my mum I have been referred by my go and filled in forms

Limber— you are scaring me now. I am glad I have put my foot down this week as I can now see where I could end. My life is good and my children are great and I do not need her causing me stress any more

Nothing to be scared of as you are averting the crisis before it happens.

Be brave and bonne chance.

You're doing really well OP - keep strong.

It's really hard when you're a people pleaser, but keep doing it.

Is it worth next time she knocks saying "look, for personal reasons our time is extremely limited right now, and I can't help you out any longer. I also can't do your hair and nails any more. Please don't keep knocking, as you're adding to an already stressful situation." Then shut the door. It will be hard, but the relief you'll feel will be tremendous.

Just be prepared for the fact that she'll probably slag you off to all and sundry. However, does that really matter? I imagine the neighbours and her family will all think "good for you"

CFs are really hard to deal with as they don't operate along the same social norms as everyone else. Other people would have picked up on your reluctance and reacted a long time ago.

Good for you OP!! 😃👏👏 I can't believe the audacity of her!! X

She probably is slagging me off for not taking her, as she would tend to want to of wanted to go on each of my days off so I would of taken her Tuesday and Saturday at least. I’ve done the first step stopping this week

YANBU

However, if she has a spare room point her towards Homeshare UK which matches up people like your neighbour with people who need cheap rent in return for 10 hours care pw

Dear OP, I have not RTFT but I have read all of your posts /updates. I just wanted to sympathise and say well done on the progress you have made so far. I can totally relate to what you are going through as I had a very similar situation some years ago. Like you I had anxiety and the situation was a trigger for me. A situation also almost arose last summer, and thanks to me learning from before and being more assertive and confident I managed to nip it in the bud. Things will get better for you if you put yourself and your family first. It seems that you are using a phasing out approach - this is good. I managed to do this at first. I kept myself busy so that I always had an excuse to go do other things to avoid the person being able to make demands at me. If you are unable to ignore this person and not answer the door/ tell them no and leave it at that then it is good to be "too busy" in the short term. I do feel that ultimately you should aim to have no contact whatsoever with this person. Maybe you will not be able to achieve this straight away. I suspect that this is someone incapable of respecting boundaries and there will always be attempts to ramp up how much you are doing for her. Things that worked for me, eventually, were -

I do not need to answer the door if I don't want to.

I do not owe them an explanation as to why I can't do things.

I do not have to even talk to them if I do not wish to.

I am not responsable for them or their happiness

this person has driven me away by not respecting me - any fallout from the situation is caused by them and they need to deal with it.

Please let your DH deal with her if you can not face her and let him be a buffer. I ended up completely no contact with the person who was annoying me in the end. There was sadly no other way that worked.

I wish you the best of luck!

Tell her you can't afford it. You can't afford to do her hair and nails for free. You can't afford to feed her. You can't afford to drive her everwhere. You can't afford the time either. Ask her if she wants to pay you for your services and suggest an hourly rate. Then see how she reacts.

I had similar problems with my Mil. Ended up really resenting her and not going round for months after one particular nightmare day with her. She too was a time thief and l would take her to appts and be determined l wouldnt let her take my whole day up as she had form for. But try as l might she would somehow manipulate it that l had to spend all day with her every even small errands l ran for her She would feign illness, or call me back to open something for her or she'd say ld walked off with her key or she had made us a brew whilst l was bringing the shopping in. I did usually stay a while but then l noticed that whet n it wasn't convenient she would start the manipulation and that made me more determined get away.

These are all very good points I suppose it’s good I have realised now before I had a breakdown because I’m positive that’s what it would come to

Good idea from PP, everytime she knocks just say 'oh would you mind nipping out for some milk/bread/teabags for me? I'm feeling a bit under the weather'

If you keep turning it around and asking her for favours, she will stop knocking. She'll avoid you like the plague.

If she comes round today do not answer the door, if dp is in tonight and she knocks he must tell her not to bother you anymore, not to knock ir bang on the window you don't need to make excuses. If the phone rings don't answer it, they can leave a message.
Try changing your routine a bit, go out at different times to do shopping if you can, can you park the car in the garage, this woman is harassing you. I can't believe she flew off the handle, she can't be allowed to carry on like this. Would your dad or partner be able to go round there to speak to her or her family and say this has to stop. She knows way too much about you, maybe you could try not telling her anything about what you're up to anymore.
You are doing really well, I don't think I would be so understanding

I will not answer today, she caught me off guard yesterday as I was about to leave the house to pick up my prescription and do school run. Today once I’m home I won’t have to unlock the door again. Apart from take dog out but partner will then be in. I have to prepared she is going to feel snubbed and not happy I’m not doing what she wants. It’s better than my life going tits up though and thanks to you all for reassuring me I’m not going dotty

You are not going dotty, enjoy the walk with your dog