Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

Not wanting to do something IS a valid reason. You don't have to give her another reason such as going swimming etc. I would think about how I'd apply the same to my children. So e.g. if they didn't want to play with a particular toy, would you make them if they didn't have any other reason than they just didn't want to at that time? Would you force them? Tell them they were being unreasonable or unkind to you by not following your wishes?
Or to take it a step further, the tea analogy that is often used to help people understand consent. You do not have to give a reason, you can just not want a cup of tea.

She is clearly over stepping boundaries left right and centre. And as much as it would be lovely if she would take hint from your cues, she doesn't seem able (for whatever reason). I think the only way for it to be clear is for it to be very black and white. Getting the odd loaf etc makes it fuzzy again and she loses track of the boundaries.

Not getting her bread does not mean you are being unkind. Does anyone do this for you? Like a local friend? Do you think they aren't kind if they don't ring you weekly and offer to pick you something up as they're going to the shops?
She's mobile, cognitively able and there are shops five minutes walk away. Why is she a different case to you or anyone else you know who fits in to those categories?
If she is lonely that is sad but she can take responsibility for changing this, it is not your responsibility. She seems a bit like a bottomless well in that no amount of time or care is enough. You can't see her for tea once a week and have that boundary, she will push it to every day, twice a day!

Also to me the fact you've gone back to the anti depressants is testament to just how stressful this situation is and how much her unboundaried and controlling behaviour is affecting you. I think it would get to anyone to be honest, it sounds so hard.

I do wonder as well if there are some similarities with how your mum behaved towards you, how this made you feel and how you responded to protect yourself when you were little. Maybe it seems like its not exactly the same, but when you unpick it, underneath there might be similar feelings like the sense of never being able to do enough to appease, tip toeing around and not being honest or not feeling able to say no for fear of what might happen. If that is the case, then your reaction to this woman could understandably be stirring up feelings and behaviours triggered by your mum at the same time and would make this feel even more stressful - a double whammy.

You're doing a really brave and powerful thing trying to stand up to her in the face of so much stress x

The more you post about her involvement the more irritated I get.
Her behaviour is unreasonable. Only CF neighbours behave like this.
Post her a price list for hair and nails with a note advising that you are running a business and either she pays or you will not do them. It's a note, no confrontation.
Then stick to it. Stop enabling this behaviour. Stop letting her in. You've only been doing it for 6 mths, not years so you can stop without feeling guilty.
Tell her children to step up as you have your health and children as priority.

Stay strong

Have you ever asked her, OP, when she turns up and asks for milk or bread or whatever, “Goodness! What did you do before we lived here?”

It might just make her remember how she is capable of getting these things herself. Maybe you have become a habit to her before she’s even realised.

Depending on how that goes, you could maybe gently say “Because it’s not always convenient for us, you know, to go out to do your shopping. So it would be good for you to have other ways of getting what you need.”

Then continue as you are doing, in pulling back. You’re doing amazingly, it’s not easy!

You don't have two days off! You don't have any days off at all.
I have neighbours I help with stuff, but I choose which ones on the basis of whether I like them and can fit their needs around my own. Right now , not so much as my family needs me more - as yours does.
I'm 70 by the way.

You don't need to offer solutions
She can sort out her own problems or her family can help

A young woman in the village started a hair dressing business. No one would dream of asking her for free haircuts - we pay her because, you know, it's a business. And she's good, and we want her to succeed.

I think at some point you or your DH will need to have a blunt hat with her as she doesn’t seem the type to take a hint.

I’m really unsure of what she did before we lived here we bought the house off a great aunt cheaply and her daughter did say to me the other week that they never involved themselves so I imagine she does put herself on people. To the poster who said about my mum, yes it’s a possibility I don’t like to make people feel a certain way and do my upmost to do things to make people around me happy but she has gone to far and I am struggling to keep my children happy and partner happy not only because she’s taking up my time and energy but she’s also taking their time away from doing things with me and she’s making me feel ill. I must say since I posted on here you have all reassured me that I’m not going round the twist and when I think about situations she takes the piss completely. I remember the week before Christmas we were so busy working and getting everything ready and I had the Tuesday off before Xmas, my partner asked me if we could spend some time together maybe go for some lunch etc, I said yes that would be lovely. She came and told me she wanted to go and finish her Xmas shopping on the Monday evening and could I take her to town on the tuesday ( I did majority of mine online) as you all know how stressful shops are at that time of year, I explained I couldn’t do that as I had planned a rare day to spend time with my partner and she flew off the handle declaring I told her I would take her to get some shopping and then she said you will have to take me one night when you have finished work. I remember feeling quite taken aback by this. All these are situations I hadn’t realised the severity of it all until now

You're doing really well, OP.

And that includes having the sense to take the ADs when you need them!

You say you struggle to say NO. She has picked this up, she's manipulative and her family aren't stupid. If you can't say no and aren't strong enough to manage this increasing issue, it'll continue and there's no point posting if you refuse to deal with it. Listen to good advice posts and step outside your comfort zone. No explanation, just I cannot do ...., I've had a drink I cannot drive or I'm busy? DO NOT apologise. You've done nothing wrong. No hesitation. No weakness. She'll spot it.

I do hope you did not take her Christmas shopping after that if she was rude to you.

I struggle saying no as in I feel if I’ve not planned anything she won’t take no for an answer but I feel if I say oh sorry I can’t today we’re goin swimming. If she’s gets a sniff I’m going near a shop she’s invited herself and then she plays things like oh I’m so fed up nobody comes to see me I never go anywhere etc

Yes love there’s a reason for that! Is what you reply

Agree with everyone else. This needs to stop. Her children will know she is doing this and are probably relieved they don't have to.
The fact she has flown off the handle at you for not giving up hours of your life to her when you already have plans is enough.

Stop telling her if you have a day off in the week for a start. Stop answering the phone. If its her don't answer the door.

Well done OP and keep strong!

You will be so proud of yourself and your DP and children will have more of your time and energy.

Don't back down, do not take her shopping and lock your doors so she can't just walk in!

You aren't her carer op.
It's nice to be nice but she is taking the piss and not even being appreciative.

I did not take her shopping I spent the day with my partner and she got her sons wife to take her. She went away for a few days to visit family and stayed over, don’t want to put to much info but one son works let’s say in London and only comes up at Xmas. He took her to the family’s house about 90 miles away she was boasting about it for weeks her special son was coming so I encouraged it and said how lovely, he then abandoned her and wouldn’t bring her home as was to expensive (her words) so he put her on the train and booked taxi for her to get right to her door. When she got back she did nothing but slag him off for not driving her home and putting her on a train. I think she may expect far too much off everyone and everyone is drawing a line

I need to separate her, and realise my family comes first if I’m free one evening I can nip her to the shops if it’s not good enough tough. But for the moment I need to stop all together.

Her other son lives 10 miles away so easily reached.

She's a bully.

It is that simple.

You are doing brilliantly. Keep it up OP!!

Don't nip her to the shops if your free! If your going anyway maybe, but otherwise let her make her own way there! Don't compromise, she will continue to push until you cave. Just say no, I don't need to go to the shops today

I think it’s becoming that way. My partner is in tonight too if she shows her face he is very supportive of how I am feeling, he has said from day 1 she doesn’t need to tag along with me.

She even invited herself on a shopping trip with me I planned to go to Trafford Centre to make a start on Xmas shopping, she invited herself and spent the day flipping helping her and had to come home early because she was exhausted. This is why I feel I need to have back up excuses until I’m strong enough to say no sorry

The cheeky cow!! You must stand up to her, cheeky fuckery of the highest order award goes to your neighbour!!! Would you really rather your kids suffer than say no to your neighbour??🤔