Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

Don’t write her any little notes. Ammunition to come round and wave them at you and need them explained. As low contact as you can manage. Is there any chance your DP could take your car and leave his when he goes to his DM?

You must not let her over the threshold, I would have wanted to shove a MacDonalds straw where the sun doesn’t shine for her.

Yes it is too much, he can’t take my car as I need it for work and to get children to school and nursery, I have thought about parking it elsewhere but she would see my lights on and still test the water

She knows my movements she knows my days off as they’re the same every week and she also knows what time I leave and what time I’m home, she knows what shifts my partner works and when we’re in as can see our lights, she is used to knowing what days I go food shopping or into nearest town as I only get the 2 days off to do everything I need to. I have thought about changing my routine a little so I’m not always in when she expects. I have started my meds today so hoping I don’t feel ill with them

Can I just say that you have zero obligation to do as I suggest but in my area they have a community transport organisation that takes elderly and disabled people wherever they need to go - doctor, shopping, hairdresser etc.

Would it be worth googling and seeing if you have similar and give the number to her?

Only if it will make you feel better to do that, though.

Who on Earth turns up with straws from
McDonald’s?

Are her children approachable? Or do you have a contact number for them? I think in addition to saying no they need to be made aware of how much she is expecting from you.

My MILs neighbours made us aware of how much she was asking them for. We’ve sat her down and said do NOT go round unless it’s life or death and you can’t get hold of us (we’re 5mins away). We have to repeat this every few weeks.

I wonder if she’s doing what my MIL does and presents a ‘feeble’ face to her family.

I caught MIL striding into town (had changed cars and she didn’t see me) yet when she walks anywhere with us she practically hobbles and clings on to DH for dear life. Me thinks she’s a Wiley old bat (your NDN and my MIL)

Yes that is an option but she is not classed as disabled or unable to do these normal day to day things. She is very fit and young for her age. She’s capable of walking to shops I’d say approx a 5-10 minute walk all flat to town. I often walk there with pram and dog and nip to few shops and it’s a nice walk. I’m unsure wether she’s lazy or it’s just easier to rely on me

Just cut ALL ties with this selfish, demanding bully immediately!

Tell her to sling her hook and to never even come to your house!

Seems drastic I know but even if you try to stop doing so much for her, while you are still bothering with her she is still going to find ways of guilt tripping you into doing her bidding. She may back off for a while but then she'll slowly get back into her old ways.

I'd have a word with the other neighbours to see what she was like before you moved there.
Maybe she was like it with one or other of those and over time they've all told her to get lost.
I'll bet she saw you as fresh meat!

I think you're an amazingly kind person whose been taken advantage of.

Well done to have woken up to her.
Be strong for your own peace of mind, but most of all your kids who don't deserve to come second to this old witch of a woman.

Also my dad is a support worker for elderly and he says maybe onset of dementia, her children are approachable but they are rarely about, she often said yes they come every week but when I think about it it’s more like every month. When she had her arm operation they never came near, and recently she had a chest infection, and I actually never saw them once and I think they know exactly what she’s like

Stay strong OP. You don't need to change your schedule if it doesn't suit you, just don't let her in the house and use that strength you're finding to say no.

OP you are too kind. And you are doing the right things. Just hang in there and hopefully she gets the message. If she still bothers you, time to unleash truth bombs on her and tell her a plain NO. Let's hope it never gets to that stage. Good Luck.

Why don't you get a shopping delivery the night before your day off, so when she arrives on the morning if your off day, wanting to go shopping you just say 'sorry, I don't need to go to the shops as I had a delivery, I'm going out to see a friend today' (or taking DC to the library/playbarn/swimming/Park etc) if she asks to come with you say 'no, I'm sorry DC and I are spending some alone time'

Spagbol please, please stop enabling your neighbour's behaviour. You are prioritising her wants before you and your family's needs.
She sounds very like my own mother, always demanding help from the neighbours and then if they helped once she ramps up the demands.
DSis and I ended up with the neighbours complaining about her behaviour, demanding we did something about it and accusing us of being neglectful daughters. I had to tell them to start saying no every time she asked for a 'favour' and to ring or text me.
We have everything set up for DM's safety and comfort, her shopping, cleaning etc is all done for her and one of us pops in most days.
Put your well being first so you can enjoy your home and family

Time to lose that temper OP.

Timer switches on your lights so they come on sometimes when you are out. If you have an obvious routine that will be evident to others apart from the neighbour the lights are not a bad idea anyway. Times can be changed as and when you feel like it.

I have a couple set to come on every evening before I get home so I don’t walk into a dark house, it is very welcoming to see.

The switches are only a few pounds from Wickes or similar, very easy to set up so you could get your DC to do them for you, make it a new game for them.

Her kids can shop online for her and have it delivered to the house.

Keep saying no.

I want to come round to yours, SpagBol, and have a word with your neighbour for you.

She reminds me of my mother (who I don't see anymore). She ignores what you want and all the subtle and not-so-subtle cues you're giving and just does exactly what she wants. She doesn't listen to you and puts her needs first, regardless of your obligations. And she makes you feel guilty even though you've done nothing wrong.

The only way you'll get through to her is to be rude to her, I suspect. Tell her you don't want to see her or hear from her again. Shut the door in her face. It's the only way to get rid of her.

IMO you should stop with the excuses and tell her you cannot continue doing so much for her and that she has taken advantage of you
This is not a person without support or in need
She doesn't care about you. Toughen up she is not a friend.
Act much colder towards her and try to get back to just a hello

Who on Earth turns up with straws from McDonald’s?
The sort of CF neighbour who's wants an 'in' - 'I've bought them straws, you owe me dinner'....

I have tried the online shopping of an even see further up the thread, My partner has even offered to add her shopping on and she pays us this was before Christmas, she still wants to tag along and makes me feel guilty for not actually taking her out. But this week I have stood my ground and will not be taking her at weekend as we’re ‘busy’

I'm stiff with stress just reading this. You're doing brilliantly.

One of my close friends is a neighbour and often asks if I'll babysit. I just always say no now. She's not a cheeky fucker but it's not convenient for me, and I don't want to do it.

She caught me last week literally crossing the road. I told a white lie about leaving early with kids for their swimming. The kids were like 'what? We're not swimming at 5pm' and I just said it would clash with getting ready and leaving. I stood my ground. I never feel guilty any more as I don't ask for any favours from her.

A new day, a new chance to say no OP :)

Don't forget, we're all behind you!

Oh wow. Your neighbor sounds like very hard work. Please do remember that it's fine to say no and not offer any explanation or alternative. When pressed, you can simply say you don't want to. And as others have mentioned, a knock or ring at the door is just that. It's not a summons, and it's fine not to respond even if you're home. Good for you for putting your children' needs first.

I really sympathize with how all this is making you feel, particularly since I've been working on growing my own backbone this past year. I always felt "rude" not doing what was expected of me, even as those expectations just kept growing. And the more I gave, the less I was appreciated, even by my own family - maybe because I was placing so little value on my own time and preferences, it was rubbing off on others, too.

Good luck, OP. You're doing a fantastic job! And by the way, the pills aren't a crutch, they're not a failure, they're not a step back and they're definitely not "square one." They're just pills. Every headache in life needs a pill, and this lady definitely qualifies as a headache. I've been on some myself, and they're a great tool.

By the way, I'll bet that your dad wasn't proud you'd come off the pills because he saw them as a negative; I bet that he was proud because it meant your needs were being met. And he'd be just as proud you were going to take them again for the same reasons: to be happy and put yourself first, so your needs can be met. Good for you!

🐨🌺💜🌷💜💞 @spagbol11, remember this didn't happen in a day, so it won't be solved in a day either. As you pull away she may 'up' the anti and be even more clingy/ demanding. Google extinction burst
Some days you will be strong and some days - don't be hard on yourself if you lapse or feel / give way to her. In the long run. You and Your family will be stronger for this

You can do this. You know it and in time she will know this too

I've btdt. and (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

^ Posting fail, I meant the Koala but didn't remember the flower and love hearts, Ooops. Unless you're into that spag... then I totes meant it haha