Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

I would hate her watching my movements and then having to justify myself.

You sound lovely OP and you have been very kind to her.

It would be nice if it was reciprocated or she backed off.

By the way, my bedside cabinet looks like a pharmacist's back counter.

I can’t thank you all enough for helping me through today and although I’m exhausted now I have taken a step in the right direction. I will start my meds tomorrow and hopefully in a few weeks I will feel a bit of normality.

wood hill- Yes it’s the thought of knowing she knows you have arrived home, when you have kids in tow, school bags, packed lunches and a dog who needs a wee and all you want to do is have 5 minutes before you start on housework at home, the door goes so you can’t even have a cup of tea in peace

@spagbol11
You can have 5 mins and more. Don't choose to open the door.

How are you at showing your anger?

I would have some pointed anger here.

If she knocked on my door within 5 minutes of being back, I wouldn't answer event though it stresses me. If she kept knocking I would leave it for an uncomfortably long time no matter what.

Eventually I would get my hands nice and messy with something like foam or flour, or be holding a dripping tea towel soaked in juice, or a toddler smeared head to toe in chocolate mousse specially prepared for this situation (probably with lots of giggling). Then march to the door maybe swearing loudly about bloody Jehovah's Witnesses or somebody's house better be on fire, throw the door open and glare at her. A good hard glare. Maybe proceed to look surprised and angrily concerned that she's there. If she's daft enough to ask you for her nails doing or a pint of milk then intensify the glare, look at the messy thing and say "You were battering my door for that?! I am rather busy now as you can see. Good bye madam!" and shut the door on her.

It will feel gooooood.

Hi OP

Sounds like you are doing really well, you should be proud of standing up for yourself today. It will get easier for you the more you do it. Your neighbours time is no more precious than your own.

It seems like she used these little favours (milk or bread, etc) as she knows it’s harder to do “little shops” online so she still gets your attention. I wonder if you suggest something like milk&more to her if that would work. It is an online thing but she can place a reoccurring order and just pay once a month. So she could set up a reoccurring order for her basis groceries however many times a week she needs them? Maybe you would feel a lot more comfortable saying no if you knew she had the basics sorted?

Forgot to give you the link! Milk&More

We set up this for my DGM so we knew she would have her fresh food in each week, as we were struggling with getting in from work and sitting down to dinner only to get a phone call to say she needed bread for the morning (v.diff scenario as she was housebound and a very lovely person - tiring all the same!)

The other thing we found good with this company was that it was the same handful of drivers so DGM felt comfortable opening the door, etc which is something that she became more worried out the older she got.

Feel the need to point out I’m not actually a rep for Milk and More if anyone is wondering

I'm so proud of you OP, you are doing incredibly well!

OP you sound lovely but completely exhausted. It takes a lot of mental as well as physical energy to have very needy people leaching time off you.
My mum's DM was the same, my mum ended up very ill due to her constant demands. You're doing the right thing and you should be proud you recognised you needed to see your GP

Sweetheart, you have done oh so well today, please see this?

What makes me most cross about all of this is that this woman is in full knowledge of what she’s doing, she’s putting pressure on you, manipulating and using you.

In my view she knows you’re vulnerable because of your history with your mother and is targeting you. She may not even know the ins and outs but manipulative people have a finely tuned sensor for people they can use and she’s pulling out all the stops with you.

I am willing to wager that if you weren’t under this level of sustained pressure, you might not have needed to go back on the ADs.

That thought makes me really cross, because I know you’re beating yourself up about this, and didn’t tell your dad because you think he’ll be thinking less of you, and this is not about you or how you’re doing, it’s about how a very manipulative woman has got her hooks in and is harassing you to do what she wants you to do.

If you can’t face sorting this out (and I utterly understand that it might be too taxing) then PLEASE get your H to go round and tell the lady not to knock or ask you for anything at all as you just can’t help any more. If she needs anything, she will need to ask her family or get her shopping delivered, or book herself a taxi. He needs to be polite but firm so that she doesn’t put any more pressure on you.

Maybe this is something her own family could be looking at.

Someone mentioned that she might have the beginnings of dementia. Social cues slowly cease to be understood and observed in the early days. That would be why she keeps asking for favours in spite of your protestations.

I don't think talking to her will help. I think you, or perhaps your DH, needs to talk to her children and explain that you are worried about her inability to take no for an answer. They need to be clear that your time us spoken for and you are not able to run around for their Mother. She is totally their responsibility and absolutely not yours.

Sorry I would only offer to take her shopping if i was going and it would be to the supermarket i was going to not galavanting all over!! your family comes first. You really need to start saying NO i would definately speak to her kids she is their responsability not yours. Good luck

Try not too feel guilty OP !

Don't feel guilty about your neighbour. She is asking for a level of help that you are not obliged to offer.

Don't feel guilty about your pills. Your body needs them. You wouldn't feel guilty about needing pins/plaster on a broken limb.
Nor would you feel proud of removing a cast before the limb was healed!

Haven't had time to RTFT, sorry, but has anyone suggested Meals on Wheels to her plus the special OAP shopping bus that collects them from their homes and drops them back again with their shopping? If you shoved a form about those services in her hand with a smile next time she asks for a lift, adding that they can help but you just don't have the time any more (kids exam prep, after-school clubs etc), I think you will have done more than enough to help!

X

There is some good advice here. We seem to be agreed that you are lovely and that you are absolutely right about stepping back from this neighbour.

My advice (from a fellow failure when it comes to using the word that is not 'yes'):

Decide what you are comfortable in giving your neighbour:
nails /hair etc - once a day - once a week - once a month - for birthdays -- Never.
lifts to the supermarket (only the one you are going to?) - every day - every week...Never

Once you are absolutely clear in your own mind - stick to this.
Don't be tempted to deviate and know that no matter how she tries to make you feel - you have already thought about what is fair.

Wake the tiger in yourself - the one that defends your cubs! She is attempting to take from your children something that they really need - you and your time.

Rehease saying 'no' without giving explanations.
'no, it isn't convenient' is as far as you should go.

Yes. Focus on the kids. They're the ones who are missing out as much as everyone else.

Spagbol11 - glad you have mamaged to say sorry I can’t, sorry No! Your health and your family come before a neighbour you barely know. Keep up the strong positive attitude that you can say NO! If we were never to say NO to anyone then the word wouldn’t be in the english dictionary!!! If your neighbour can’t or won’t realise and accept that its not your place to do just about everything for her then its her problem. And yes i would probably ignore the door too, but i do have a spy hole so i can check who it is and just turn around and walk away if i dont want to answer. Well done sounds like your doing really well taking first steps to refusing to be her skivvy!!! Dont be ashamed either of going back on your meds its better that you get the help you need now to put you back on top for YOU & YOUR FAMILY

The phrase 'I think you have been taking advantage of my good nature ' would not be unfair. Have one or two stock phrases ready and just be like a broken record. 'No, I can't take you shopping any more'. 'No, I can't lend you food'. 'No, I don't do treatments at home any more'.

This.

I feel so sorry for you, Op!! She is a user and you are a (lovely and kind) pushover. If you feel uncomfortable about telling her a lie, then tell her the truth! Tell her you are busy with your children and you can't help her today or tomorrow or for any other weekend for the next six months. Get her used to you not being there at her beck and call and maybe she'll latch onto someone else. And for goodness sake, don't let her in your home!!!

Oh dear - bold fail - stupid phone!

You are a lovely person and I wish you were a neighbour of mine. Don't let her make you feel guilty. You don't owe her anything. for you, Op!

Thanks for all the replies,
The thing is she’s not short of food it’s just an excuse for her to go here there and everywhere. The hair and nails are also just expectations too, nobody expects to have their hair and nails done weekly for free. It would be lovely but we would never expect it. I think this weekend when I don’t answer to her as I won’t be in will give her the message that I’m not at her beck and call. Partner is staying with his mum Thursday Friday as it is closer to work so I must stick to what I am doing. If she doesn’t see his car and sees I’m alone partner thinks she may try her luck

Your doing very well. Don't worry about being back on medication it was strong and sensible to go back on them as you felt you needed too, lots of us come off. Go back on and come off a little later. Your putting your little family 1st so well done. Do you feel you could write her a short note telling her you are not able to support her as you have been explain its to much and tell her you feel bullied. Because she is bullying you. You have to be direct with people like her Please keep posting. Your being brave and strong keep it up x

I very rarely get angry it takes me a lot to get angry, I probably lose my temper once a year,and then it takes me about 3 days to feel normal again. I get more emotional then things get too much, or I try to focus my mind on other things. I know when she is with me shopping etc I must look totally stressed I can feel my blood pressure going up and getting hot and flustered but she doesn’t seem to care, she still witters on and on and on. She is hard work, for example the other night I had made children’s tea, I have mine a bit later, I was trying to empty dishwasher and refill and clean round, she turned up with 5 McDonald’s straws, she could clearly see I was stressed and trying to clean away for the night but still stood in front of my sink talking a load of bollocks and then looking at tea on side saying oh I better get home and try and find something for tea. Deliberately wanting my food

Oh god she's shameless OP! It's good that this weekend is busy for you, means you literally can't give in to her if when she does try her luck. Out of interest what happens when she knocks the door, do you actually invite her in or is she a 'breeze in before the door's properly open not really giving you a choice' type? Just trying to get a picture of how you might put some new boundaries in place once she's started to get the message and not letting her in seems a good place to start

I'm weird about my house and visitors are (if I'm honest) only really welcome by invitation No way would I let someone stop me having a cuppa and a rest when I got home, she's totally inconsiderate to do that and you have it absolutely right that she doesn't care about you at all.

Remember that next time she comes asking for favours, should make it easier to say no. Makes me really angry when nice people are taken advantage of, you don't need people like that in your life OP