Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

Gingham thank you very much they will help me definately

OJZJ
That is exactly what my partner said.

I must backtrack on the online shopping definately your all right it’s not my problem any more x

What lovely people on this thread, I'm quite overwhelmed

Inviting you all round for a spagbol supporters tea, but bring yer own spuds

Crusty- I’m overwhelmed too. Wish I had this many nice people in real life

5 spuds each

don’t forget to knock

Online shopping is something her children can do for her. They can even do all the shops for her from their own homes. Don't get involved.

Her children can also arrange a milkman for her.

Really not your problem.

Hi OP, you are doing really well. Your neighbour sounds like my DM. She will rope anyone into helping her. She is quite capable but likes to play the dying swan to anyone that will listen.

Helen- yes I know I need to totally step back I think I need a couple of weeks hibernating

So pleased that this has been helpful to you OP. Your kindness comes through in what you write and I think we can all see that. There's really nothing wrong in being caught by someone like this - we just don't expect people to become 'monstrous' and take advantage.

So joining everyone at crustycob 's with 5 spuds and in hand to celebrate.

Have read the full text and getting so wound up on your behalf! As you say she's active, goes on long haul holidays, is able to buy make up etc online, so DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HER. She doesn't sound like a feeble, frail old lady. She's cunning and manipulative and has spotted you as a kind person who she can use. Your children need you in full health and firing on all cylinders. Do not sacrifice your health for this user. No more taxi service, no more dragging round multiple supermarkets, no more being at her beck and call. I also think if you keep trying to come up with fibs you will get more stressed. It's very hard but you just say 'no can do' with NO explanation. You don't have to justify yourself to her. You have done more than enough for her.

Perhaps say to her "If you need all this help perhaps you shouldn't be living alone anymore, could I have your DC contact details?"

I did wonder if this was was about my MIL

She drives her neighbours to distraction. There’s nowt wrong with her and she’s perfectly capable.

We apologise profusely to neighbours and they know they can ring us if she needs a further talking to.

Is it worth holding off the tablets till after the weekend?
I think it would be very useful to know how much she was affecting your mental health.

Take your doctors advise regarding the tablets

My mental health was ok until very recently, yes I was on anti depressants but I felt ready to come off them, I was feeling back to my normal self which is why I made the decision to stop them. I was unaware the pressure that was on me off her though until quite recently as it’s got worse and worse that on each of my days off if I’m in the house she sees my car and is here wanting treatments/cups of tea and her hair doing. I think it’s been worse since partner has been working without a day off since Xmas so she knows he’s not here and I’m alone (she sees his car go and comes round) if you get me

If you have to speak to her do not say sorry you cannot do things for her or that you are afraid you can’t. Simple statement of fact, ‘no I can’t help anymore’.

I used to say sorry all the time until told not to at work unless I really meant it.

Also not sure if it’s worth adding my mental health was fine until I got PND after my second child, I never had any issues before this and managed just fine

Bet she hadn't 'got into her stride' at that point though.

@spagbol11 gosh I've just seen all of this. I'm sorry you're under so much pressure. You have done brilliantly today. Your health, mental and physical, must come first. You haven't failed being back on your meds...I actually see it as succeeding as you have acknowledged how your mental health is doing and you have the tools, in this case medication, to deal with it. I'm in awe of you.
Second point. As you get better at saying no you will need to start decreasing the amount of information you are giving her so she doesn't know your whereabouts or details such as your car being in etc...this will help you feel more free from her. That's a huge step right now, so take it a bit at a time... concentrate on saying no for now.
Final point. I wonder if your neighbour isn't just a CF but also has mental ill health too? Not for you to worry about but probably worth getting your DP to be blunt with her family next time they visit and he happens to be home. They need to be aware as this may be the start of a slippery slope for her and may be the start of them needing to think about assisted living or care homes etc. Not your problem but would be good if your dp (not you) could mention it to them.
Keep up the good work. You are strong x

I used to find saying, No, very difficult.
Then I considered that a reasonable person (like me/you) would not have a problem with me saying it.
So, I then decided that an unreasonable person who has a problem with this is someone trying to take advantage.
I am in control of how I feel. No one can make you feel guilty - you are allowing her to make you feel this way. You can change this and you have already started.
Please do not answer the door. If she persists on banging, go to an upstairs window and shout that you're in the middle of something and cannot answer and IMMEDIATELY close the window without giving he chance to put you on the spot.
When you go to the car and she approached, bs41 ready with, "sorry I can't talk now really busy, bye" and again dont stop and give her room. If she starts then repeat the sentence again, like a mantra.
This is all non confrontational and will help you build confidence to be more direct when you feel stronger.
Just, lock the door and don't answer then you don't have to deal with her. Don't give your food away - tell her it's being cooked tonight and suggest she contacts her family. END OF.
Good luck.

You might have felt ‘better’ mentally so decided to stop your mess but it was probably that your mess were properly working so eventually getting you on an even MH keel.

This woman is a thief.

She steals from you- time, money (petrol/cost of doing nails etc), emotional health.

She steals from your children and partner- takes your time and energy that’s allocated to them to use on her own selfish wants.

Next time she comes knocking, instead of feeling guilty saying no, feel/channel righteous anger that she’s invading your home to steal more of your precious resources that should be spent on yourself and your nuclear family.

Remember: she’s a thief!

Sorry, meds not mess!

Bs41? Eh? * be (maybe autocorrect thinks her behaviour is BS, too!)

You only need one reply here and that is tistheseason’s perfect suggestion.