Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

Sounds like you have had some good advice on here; this lady sounds very demanding.
Please don’t feel like you’ve gone backwards going back on the anti-depressants ... I have been on them and come off and every so often need them for a while. The talking therapies helped me a lot and gave me some good ways to cope - don’t see it is a failure, you’re takin control.
You’ve made good progress in saying no to her, small steps ....
keep your front door locked, how cheeky to just walk in! You don’t need to help her, she’s taking advantage of you and you’re good nature.
You’re doing a great job being a mum and a great partner! Don’t forget this :-) You’re dad is happy you made progress with the anti-depressants but he won’t be upset that you need them again; he’ll be upset that this woman is doing this to you - he will be glad you’ve sought help when you think you need it :-) my dad thinks the same as yours I’m guessing lol
Keep doing what you’re doing ... you’re amazing! X

The reason her kids don’t do it is probably because she’s done exactly what she’s doing to you and become reliant on you.

I would just explain to her that you aren’t able to continue the current arrangement as a busy working mum you don’t have the time. X

For you OP you're doing a marvelous job and you are a genuine kind person but you've only known this lady 6 months and she's praying on your good nature. Regardless of her age and spriteliness you're local Help the Aged can assist her with all the things you've been doing, suggest you print off some info and send your DH round and say terribly sorry but you're too busy and need some rest and these should help and then walk away! You've done you're bit, let her family take the pressure and don't feel guilty about it, the more you leave her alone the more they will have to step up to the mark you may be doing her a favour in the long run.

I can see how this started and how it snowballed into the big problem it is now. I also see how hard it is to cut her out as she is right next door and at your front door.

Please stop telling her when you have a 'day off' as she uses this info to get you to do things for her on those days. In fact stop using the term 'day off' as it sounds like you are free to be her slave. Re phrase to 'special family days'. When talking, be vague about everything, she isn't having cheery chats about the weather, she is extracting info so she knows what you're up to and can ask for favours.

Agree with others to go cold turkey and give no help, no favours and then there is no wiggle room.

Do online shopping for few weeks if it helps with avoiding her.

Don't accept any more sweets or money or anything at all, it's another tactic to get her way.

Remind yourself family first, health first. She is an anxiety trigger. Keep saying NO and don't give excuses that she can work with. She has 70 years of practise at being manipulative and has a thick skin and will keep pushing. If she sees a glimmer of weakness, she will pounce and undo all your good work. Stay strong.

It seems hard now, but keep at it, think about your goal. Once you get over the hump, life will be a lot better.

I've just rtft and may I just say that THIS is what Mumsnet is all about. The wonderful support and kindness the OP has had here is life affirming. for OP for all the posters.

She doesn’t respect you so why should you respect her feelings. You have done quite enough for her already, you have no need to feel guilty if you say no now.

Well done OP! I think Schaden's suggestion of turning the tables is interesting.

Well Blimey... Not read all the replies, but I have read all of what you have posted OP!

Some replies snuck in my brain.. (names I recognise jumping out at me like Shadenfreude etc)

I am glad you've started to say no. Else you are right... you were on your way to being popped onto the psych ward :(

So, next loaf of bread she is fetching ye? Awesome!

Good Luck for tomorrow and the rest of the week!

Hello OP, making sure that I ring the doorbell here before posting .

I had an alcoholic mother also. Talking therapy can help but you have to be ready for it don't you and it can be quite upsetting before it gets better. You can climb back up again I promise. Be kind to yourself and value yourself, and recognise your achievements. You are doing well.

Good on your Dad for being there for you. Shout up if you need us all to yell "She's behind you" like the pantomime villain

My DP’s Mom has a next door neighbour like this. His mom is 70 herself and the elderly neighbour is in her 90’s.

She has an expectation of both my DP’s mom and another neighbour to run around after her all the time. My DP’s mom used to be a carer, so she she had sympathy for her and did a lot for her. But since she had a massive operation about 18 months ago, she’s in no position health wise to run around after this woman anymore.

And this neighbour does the emotional blackmail thing aswell by making comments to try and make DP’s mom feel guilty for not doing things for her.

But since her op, DP’s mom has had to take a step back as this elderly neighbour was just becoming too much. She had to start putting herself first and she now does less for this neighbour and is a bit more blunt/honest with her when she asks her to do things for her and it does seem to be working (a bit).

You are a lovely person and have gone over and above for this lady. And I can understand why it must be hard to say no to her. But I’m glad you’re finally trying to take a step back - you need to for your own health. And you sound like you have a very supportive partner as well. I’d get him to speak to her whenever he’s in and she knocks the door/rings as he can help in getting her to back off if he’s more assertive.

I think you’re doing well in taking steps to back away. Keep going and don’t let her emotionally blackmail you - because that’s what she’s doing!

Mark her number in your phone and don't always answer - then you can filter the requests and wean her off depending on you.
Good starter sentences to say no:
"Oh, I would love to help but I can't today, sorry". Do not elaborate - not her business.
"Sorry but I have way too many personal commitments today...."
"I am at full stretch personally at the moment, so I cant help I am afraid".
I have helped elderly neighbours in the past. One asked me to get her milk from the cheapest supermarket when we had a milkman - 'no, sorry. I have a milkman for a rason, to reduce my stress and carbon footprint!'. My current neighbour is a lovely 90 year old gent. We do his bins, check he is ok in snow, get him chips or a custard slice if we go for a weekend treat - my children 'harvest' the apples from his tree for both of us etc. Help needs to be appreciated, not assumed.
It sounds to me as if you are the vulnerable one. Look after yourself and your family and ......
Just say no til your tongue bleeds!
PS: My parents are 83 and I am desperately trying to encourgae them to walk more to keep their fitness and mobility - you will be doing her a favour .

If you don't feel up to it, can your partner talk to her? He can tell her that you're under a lot of stress right now (we know why...) and you can't run errands for her or do her nails anymore, it's got to be too much. And that he's giving her notice so she can ask her family or call taxi's from now on. I think you might find the constant bobbing and weaving and finding excuses exhausting eventually. I know her type. She'll keep trying until she is told no.

Ooh loving the idea of saying as you are ill, would she mind fetching some bread milk and bits for you

The look on her face might just be priceless

Crusty I will be ok I have good support but I really do need to come to terms with things that have happened.

thewrinklefairy- the milk situation sounds like what I deal with, such as today asking me to go in search of a card, I don’t buy my cards in the supermarket/card shops I buy on moon pig as I can’t be hassled searching in shops for cards with time I’m short of anyways. A milk man might be a good idea.

Brenda- he did say along them lines today, although she then came round for a second time to witter on. I am at work now until Saturday and have said I have a busy family weekend so she will have to get someone else to do her shopping.

Quick question if I set online shopping up for her can she add the payment details if I set it up?

yes she can but do you really want to do this, she has an ipad and other stuff and already buys her make up on line so she must know what to do. you don't need to set it up, she will be calling on you when she wants to change the delivery slot or the items, her family can do this for her, she is more than capable. all she needs to do is decide where to shop, put in her name, address and bank details.

If you make sure she has her payment details there when you set it up, then yes! On no account let her promise to 'pay you back'.....

Don't be ashamed to be on the medication, not at all ... just meant you may not have needed it still if you didn't have the extra stress which she is actually causing you. Good luck OP

Yes I think I will not offer to set it up. Il tell her to set it up and how easy it is. I have an account with Sainsbury’s as some don’t deliver to our area

Hi Spagbol, its great to see that you've got some good support on here and from your DP. I recently went to a couple of personal Development courses (confidence and assertiveness) at the local adult education centre which have really helped. At the assertiveness course, we had a session about saying no to people. I've photographed my notes from the session and hope they're useful to you.

Don't do that OP she'll just change tack and come knocking for you to do an online order anyway! Step back even further OP this is not up to you, her kids can do this for her if they think it's necessary. You don't want to be getting involved with payments or anything to do with her money either, her kids could then come knocking to you "What are you playing at using my mum's debit card" etc etc. Trust me I work in finance, don't touch it with a barge pole.

OP I would be a bit wary of setting up an online shopping thing for her - she will probably try and make it go wrong so she can then blame you and guilt trip you into taking her shopping again. Sorry but that's how manipulative she sounds.

She sounds really awful; my neighbour is 98 in a few weeks' time, on her own, and never asks for help! I do help her a fair bit as it goes, but it is always initiated by me/dh and she falls over herself backwards in gratitude, she is lovely. I wish your neighbour was like that.

Don't set up her on line shopping for her it is not difficult to do at all. Even I can do it!
She will keep coming round to get you to sort some sort of glitch or other.
She manages to do other shopping online, same horse different jockey.

Try to stop worrying about it, you are over thinking it. She really is not going to starve.

That's an order!

spagbol11 YOU HAVE NOT FAILED going back onto medication. On a positive you realized before your medical condition spiralled and as a result are on a much milder tablet... Would you "have failed" if you made all the right lifestyle changes but still had to go back onto medication for type 2 diabetes or high blood pressure??
And this in no way helps you but I have unfortunately done exactly the same as you for "friends" and been taken full advantage of persistent my to the detriment of both my health and my family and also find it so hard to say no and feel a mountain of guilt every time, yet still allow it to happen so fully understand how stressful you find all this. Big hugs and i second whoever said she is probably telling her children she is helping you out etc

Ginghamstyle those are brilliant, I have just downloaded them myself