Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

OP there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being on Fluoxetine - it is a wonderful support and I’m sure your dad would rather you were happy and settled when taking it than distressed and anxious without it. I’ve been on it for many years - sometimes my dosage has changed but I’ve never come off it. When it was first prescribed for me I was told that in no way does is change you: it just restores the REAL you that anxiety has been masking. This is so true in my case and I thank God for the doctor who realised it was what I needed. I repeat - there is no stigma to getting help from something which can really help.

Came onto the thread to say please don't feel bad for saying no. It's making you stressed and ill.
You might chastise yourself because it seems like a few favours for a little old lady but the constancy of it is chipping away at you because she's started to control your life on a daily basis. Not to mention the lack of appreciation!
Taking back control will be good for you.

She's having you over! Of course, it's fine to spend a bit of time with her when you have it but if you are seriously thinking about medication that's a red flag!
The thing I have learned about this type of situation is that some people spot a nice person and become demanding. Everything is on their terms. You've given her an inch, she's taking a mile, and her kids are quite happy as you're doing the donkey work.
As long as you continue, they'll keep doing it.
The old I had to walk home trick is an old one, too.
You've done so much already it's time to put your foot down.
My DH is a psychotherapist and has schooled me well about saying no - he's passionate about it, in fact.
If someone is lonely, they'll just be glad to share a cup of tea. This lady now thinks you're her PA - which is actually a job that someone needs paying for.
Put you and your family first.
This lady has her own family. They need to step up!!!!

Oh gods! How draining. Another idea if she asks for a lift to the shops is to say "I'm sorry, but we're not coming straight back afterwards. It won't be convenient"

No good deed goes unpunished :-(

This woman has preyed on your kindness for too long.
She is not your responsibility.
I think you should practise a sentence such as "I'm sorry that's not convenient right now" and repeat this without excuses or elaborations. You do not have to explain yourself to her.

Saying no should make you feel calm and strong, you are doing the right thing for your family, children and your own well-being. Well done.

I feel like she doesn't really need the shopping and lifts so much, but it's more about being lonely and feeling important having someone run around after her, perhaps even feeling powerful. Don't believe the whole 'no food in the house' or 'run out if bread' nonsense, she's manipulative.

Perhaps a simple: 'I'm not going to the shops today, but can lend you a few slices of bread until you get to town tomorrow' is the way to go.

Good progress OP today, and keep the door locked! Have you tried putting the questions back on her... if she needs bread ' oh good, I need some too, can YOU just nip to the coop?' Shouldn't be an issue given she's agile.

You haven't 'failed' at all by the way.

Hasn’t she got any family to do this for her? She is taking the mickey. If you don’t want to say no completely maybe agree to once a month if you can manage it and tough if she doesn’t like it. She’s taking advantage of your food nature. Don’t feel guilty x

May I suggest that you don't let your children accept anything from her - money, sweets etc?

This puts you under a mental obligation that you can really do without. Tell her you're reducing the amount of sugar they eat, and that you feel they ought not to take money from "strangers" ie non-family members.

Help her in emergency situations (obviously), but not otherwise - or turn the tables on her. The next time she comes in cadging a favour, tell her you feel really ill - a migraine, perhaps - and ask if she'll nip out and get you a loaf of bread, 2 pints of milk and a bag of dog food.

Look this is absolutely bloody ridiculous! You're clearly a kind-hearted and good person, but this is now gone beyond reasonable and you've ( or rather, she has) put your health and your children's well-being at risk.

I think that the time has come to get your dp to go round and have a chat with her. He should tell her that you've become too unwell and stressed to be able to do any more errands for her (AT ALL) and that she must stop coming round to ask and to knock until further notice. No debate. Once you start slipping down the "Oh well I could get her some bread as I'm going anyway," route, you'll be back at her beck and call before you know it. You need to cut the whole lot off at the root.

You're doing well but you need to be able to just say a flat 'no, sorry I can't' to some things instead of trying to make up reasons why because you'll run out of reasons and drain yourself all over again. You can't change others, but you can change the way you react towards them - please stop being too nice with her because she's not been nice back - she's taken total advantage of you and she knows you're knackered with a family to juggle and having to go back on antidepressants shows you how she's making you feel ... be firmer and keep practising

One thing to consider, and I don't know if it's been mentioned, is that her children may be encouraging her dependence on you so they don't have to 'pull their weight'.

We had this with my widowed mum. A widowed male friend (half of one of Mum and Dad's 'couple friends') started calling Mum a lot to ask if she could drive him here or there (he could no longer drive) and then 'have lunch'. At first she didn't mind because he was a nice gent and a friend, but then it became more frequent and a burden. Turns out his daughter had been encouraging him to do so saying "Why don't you ask

Good grief! you are being taken for a ride here. Make up some excuse, say no and stick to it.

People are often lonely and take a little kindness too far. I had a similar neighbour who was actually diagnosed a year later with dementia, I think early on the normal social filters can become unfiltered! I said when I could take her but often couldn't and found her asking repeatedly or knocking at 7am on a sunday quite wearing. I gave her a reliable taxi persons number and arranged for a local old persons minibus service to take her shopping at a set time each week (it cost her about £4). Once the confusion was more pronounced I arranged a home care service for her to help twice a week. She resisted strongly for some time but I just kept repeating "sorry I cant today" etc and gradually it worked...none of this may apply to your situation, she may just be a CF but I think some elderly people become set in their mind patterns and obviously you helping is much easier than the alternative! Dont beat yourself up, help as and when you can but not beyond what you are able to do. I am sure there are also other neighbours who could help? I also contacted her family to explain things as they were distant and they did help (a bit ) once they realised the situation. If this is too much you can also contact her GP and/or social care and flag that she is not managing, GPs can keep an eye and SC have lots of access to setting up transport, social activities, help to those who need it. X

Op, you are doing so well. You've got to start somewhere and it's great you are starting to plant the seed that you might not ask "how high" when she says "jump".

Remember it's ok to put some headphones on when she starts knocking and just don't answer the door. Tell everyone to ignore it and blast out some tunes. If she comes round the next day and asks why you didn't answer, you can tell her you were resting, that's not a lie because you're taking a break from her!!

Keep going op, we're all rooting for you x

Completely agree @SchadenfreudePersonified

She sounds like a pain alright. My dad taught me something when I was young...you don’t have to answer the front door
I only answer when it suits me...my friends and family know to call first. My dad once sat in the front room and someone he didn’t want to see was knocking. He ignored them so they came to the window, started knocking on it and calling him. He just looked at them until they went away.
I know that sounds rude, but he’d told them not to call. You have to stand your ground.

Not quite the same as a neighbour, but I have family like this. It's so exhausting and draining. I got to the point where I've considered getting rid of my car and curse the day I learned to drive! I'm in my 30's but only learned to drive 4 years ago. I'm constantly used as a taxi. Well, was. I learned from Mumsnet that 'NO' is a complete sentence.

Two weeks over christmas I had put £45 in my car. Baring in mind I wasn't at work as I work term-time, so no commute/work mileage to and from work. I drove to a big retail centre 14 miles away and back. I went to asda 2 miles away and back home. I used that £45 and had done 198 miles in 2 weeks. 32 miles of it was my genuine mileage, the rest was running about after my DM, DBro, DSis and in laws. On NYE, I swore no one would take me for a mug again, and it's great to not feel obliged to do anything. It's annoyed them no end that I won't give lifts or pick things up, or take them shopping etc, but it made me so exhausted I was making myself poorly.

I'm a bit late to this OP but I really feel for you.

My Great Aunt was very much like your neighbour.

She lived about 150 miles away from my parents and myself.

She was hugely adept at having anyone and everyone running around after her and catering to her every whim, despite being in excellent health until the last 6 months of her life.

Her neighbours were lovely, but like you, totally taken advantage of. My DM was her closest relative and visited as often as possible (roughly every 3 weeks - round trip of 5 hours). She'd arranged all sorts of support (cleaners, DM did her online shopping, spoke daily on the phone, arranged for hair dresser to visit, transport to social events etc) and GA had many extended stays with my DP's (4 weeks at a time, during which she expected to be waited on hand and foot).

Anyway the neighbours called my DM one day. Turns out GA was driving them to exhaustion expecting daily trips out to the shops, local sights etc and playing the "I can't do it, family don't help me card".

They were calling because they were worried she needed more support.

DM put them straight, explaining how all her shopping needs were covered by her online, personal help, taxis booked to her (regular) social events etc etc and daily contact. Neighbours had basically been played that she was this poor frail neglected lady.....my DM was totally embarrassed and had very strong words with GA.

Upshot she was simply a very selfish woman and had been all her life. She'd used my GM for many decades and when she died moved on to my mum and her neighbours.

You're lucky in a way that you are not family as it's a much more difficult issue to address.

I'm saying this as it might well be worth speaking to her children. You don't have to be mean, but say you are worried about her and that you simply don't have the time to support her to the level she expects from you and that as family, they need to address this issue.

Most of all don't feel guilty about putting your own family first.

I have read this thread with increasing disbelief. How can anyone have the brass neck to treat you like this? I agree with all the other PP that this needs to stop. Your DP or your Dad should intervene by going to this person and telling her that she is stop visiting you for ANY reason. They could say that you need to rest without saying anything about your health. If she comes round again then they should get really firm with her.

Spagbol,

I feel your pain, and I have been through a similar situation with elderly neighbours just before Christmas. In addition to caring for their dog, doing laundry and putting up with nasty comments (all while one of them was in hospital) I reassessed the situation and decided after the last nasty comment enough was enough. the husband called to our house to ask what was up as they left messages on my mobile( which I ignored) and my husband told him bluntly, that their behaviour toward me was unacceptable. I wasn't home at the time. I had peace for a short time until I made the mistake of answering a call from private number which was the neighbour- cue massive row which ended up with me shouting and them being told by my husband never to call again. the moral of the story is that some people are manipulative and they will abuse your good nature until possibly (like me) you snap! you are not this ladies carer, don't question your feelings about cutting ties and please don't feel bad. sometimes there is a strong reason/back story why some elderly peoples family disengage with them or limit interaction ( not everyone is a poor frail old dear) but its not your or my responsibility. take care of you and spend time with your precious children. please do not question yourself. you sound like a decent neighbour who is being pushed too far.

SchadenfreudePersonified

I’ve never thought of it like that. I’d often love someone to nip to the shops for me so I didn’t have to

I’m not ashamed to be on this medication but I was doing so well until now, and I feel like I’ve took my eye off the ball for a second and I’m back to square 1.

You had..........circumstances. (Her. ) So you need some meds for a little? So what!