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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour issues AIBU

738 replies

spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 17:47

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
SanFranBear · 30/01/2018 17:05

I can't believe she actually kept knocking after you didn't answer.. so so cheeky and unnecessary. She wanted a loaf of bread - well, go & get one then!!

Best of luck OP - you deserve some calm

LimberlostGirl · 30/01/2018 17:08

Another one saying how proud you should be of yourself. It is nothing to be ashamed of to go back on your pills. Your Doctor knows what they are doing and you have come off them once so you can again when you are better.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 17:09

I know, I keep thinking I have failed, my partner says that’s not true and I can always come off them again I’m just having a difficult time

OP posts:
mojito55 · 30/01/2018 17:10

A card? Didn't your DH get her a card before work?

LimberlostGirl · 30/01/2018 17:13

You have not failed in any way and must not think that. If you can get some cognitive therapy that will be fantastic.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 17:13

No she asked for the card then Grinsnd then before school run she asked again

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 17:16

This is why I offered to get her the bread she would dement me asking over and over or turn up at 8pm asking for a few slices of bread same as potato’s

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 30/01/2018 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chickenowner · 30/01/2018 17:25

Well done OP, and what a horrible situation you've been in.

The thought of someone knocking on my window if I didn't answer the door gives me the creeps. I wouldn't be able to relax at all. No wonder you've been feeling anxious.

Keep ignoring her, keep the door locked and don't answer if you don't feel like it. Don't offer any more help. Eventually she will (unfortunately) find someone else to manipulate.

retirednow · 30/01/2018 17:28

You should get a spy hole fitted to your front door, if someone knocks you can see who it is. Well done for today, it will get easier. Would your dad be happy to go round there and tell her to leave you alone, if you want to see her you will call her when it suits you.

Ladyglittersparkles83 · 30/01/2018 17:29

I think your sharing too much information with her don't tell her your days off/holidays I'd ignore all calls change house/mobile number it's easy to do, stop feeling obliged you need to plainly say No! You don't need an excuse or to explain your self it's fuck all of her business and she needs to start realising this!. If it gets to the point you really can't etc if your renting I'd move

ATownCalledGallus · 30/01/2018 17:29

The thought of someone knocking on my window if I didn't answer the door gives me the creeps.

Agreed - it's so intrusive and not respecting of boundaries at all.

You're doing great, OP - might take a while and don't worry if it's a bit two steps forward one back at first. Because you're nice. But you'll get there in the end!

Original poster
spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 17:30

Not renting so that isn’t an option we are in process of renovating as bought house cheap I wonder if there is a reason for that Hmm

OP posts:
Fletchasaurus · 30/01/2018 17:35

Deep breath, remember to be strong and keep your distance. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your family Flowers

JamPasty · 30/01/2018 17:36

Wow, you are doing incredibly well! Rock on!

retirednow · 30/01/2018 17:37

Do you own the house or are you renting it.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 17:39

We own the house

OP posts:
user1485851222 · 30/01/2018 17:40

Speak to her. Tell her you are going to be unable to take her shopping, etc, due to other commitments. Then stick to it, don't be guilt tripped...Then next time you see her children visiting, update them, that you won't be able to take their mum out etc. She isn't your responsibility, you are going above and beyond neighbourly duties. Best of luck.
And BTW, don't best yourself up re medication. If it helps you at the moment. Take them...

Ladyglittersparkles83 · 30/01/2018 17:41

Urgh I feel for you I really do I'm in a obearing possessive pickle with a family member but I'm saying piss off and they still don't listen , have you thought about a support group to help build your confidence? And to help with the depression in general? I know it's not for everyone. Keep feeling positive when there's a knock on the door say to your self nah not today bitch I'd ignore it and I wouldn't care if she saw me through window my family member dose this it just makes me more determined not to answer

Nikephorus · 30/01/2018 17:43

You should let DS answer the door whenever possible - sounds like he has her sussed and won't take any crap! Problem sorted very quickly Grin

Turquoise123 · 30/01/2018 17:45

how on earth did things get to this state ?

Maybe just don't respond to calls/texts ? The old phone not working one....

RestingBitchFaced · 30/01/2018 17:48

You need to tell her your doing online shopping from now on, and she will have to do the same or make her own arrangements. Don't apologise, you owe her nothing, and she is making you ill. Also keep the door locked. As soon as you regain some control of this situation, I'm sure you will start to feel better

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/01/2018 17:50

We could get a posse up if you like and go round to her house and say:
"We've come for our spuds"

Crusty Grin

I'll join you - I have my own pitchfork and flaming torch!

Mind - if she'd asked me for spuds I would have not very jokingly said - "What! Have you scoffed that ship's manifest of supplies we got yesterday already? Have you got worms?!"

RingFence · 30/01/2018 17:51

She's using you. You've been very kind, but now she's treating you like a mug. It's time to set boundaries. Start saying 'I'm afraid I won't be able to today, we've already got plans'. You could always soften it a bit by following with 'I'll be going to Tesco on Friday around 10am, if you'd like a lift'.

She can always get a taxi or a bus. Or offer to drop her somewhere but say you'll be unable to wait, so she'll need to make her own way back.

You don't owe her anything.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 30/01/2018 17:51

You need to get out of the mindset that you are friends, neighbours, equals. She's shown you today that she doesn't care two hoots about you being ill.

She could use Milk&More for next day bread and milk delivery. She's just choosing to pass the problem on to you.
She could be better organised when she's at the shops. She's choosing to make you run around after her.

She can do her own Internet food shopping. Her children could do her own Internet food shopping. She could get a bus, a taxi. She's choosing to use you instead. Don't give her that power!

Have you heard of the Spoons analogy? That you have 10 spoons of energy to get through the day. School runs take 2, work takes 5, after school activities take 2, getting dinner sorted is another 1 - if she's taken 8 off you, if the cost of you running around is 8 per day then she is taking "you' away from your family.

I bet you are cheaper than a taxi and/or a carer. You are doing so well today with saying NO and going to see the GP. Next time she's at the door channel Zammo and say NO. Have you got a door chain?

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