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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour issues AIBU

738 replies

spagbol11 · 29/01/2018 17:47

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

OP posts:
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5
rowdywoman1 · 30/01/2018 16:07

Well done again. That's twice today you've fended her off - and you've done it kindly so mustn't feel bad. And a good call about the card.

cozietoesie · 30/01/2018 16:10

That's pretty well to be expected. Always remember that the problem is not you, it's her.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 16:11

I also said I felt really drained and I needed to start taking some time out for me and kids, she said I didn’t look too well, so I kept pushing with the I need to rest more stop running around constantly, I said I’d enjoyed my day today with little to do

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/01/2018 16:21

Keep locking the door and don't answer it unless you are expecting someone

Hidingtonothing · 30/01/2018 16:24

Just keep doing what you're doing OP, keep using not being well for as long as you need to. It's going to be like breaking a habit now so use whatever you need to until the behaviours (hers in keep asking things of you and yours in not feeling able to say no) have changed. Then it will just be a matter of keeping your defences up and deflecting any attempts to suck you back in, I suspect she'll give up after the first couple of tries as long as you stand firm. We're right behind you 💪

cozietoesie · 30/01/2018 16:25

Good. Smile

(You'll have to forgive me if I don't give too much time to her expressions of 'concern' Wink)

SoulStew · 30/01/2018 16:25

I'd run with this 'illness' card if I were you. I'd be telling her I had some kind of anemia and use that as your get out clause from now on. Resting is now your excuse for anything. Can't do anything for her as you need to rest after -any child related chore-.

cozietoesie · 30/01/2018 16:31

As long as you don't start feeling 'guilty'. (If you do, come back here, FAST.)

fuzzyfozzy · 30/01/2018 16:37

Get a ring doorbell so you can see who's at the door (and tell them you're busy) without answering the door.

newsparklythings · 30/01/2018 16:37

I think the coffee thing this morning was a ruse.. you ended up offering her something, she has you well trained.
Please don't offer to do ANYTHING for her. You should be able to get bread, milk for yourself without necessarily getting anything for her. How far is the nearest shop can't she just walk there? - she could use some of the time she spends coming over to your place for that.

YY to just don't answer your door.
Your door, your choice.
I think as well as making the excuse that you are out, you need to be able to have your home as your rest place, your sanctuary - not somewhere where as soon as you are there you are highly anxious because any minute you expect her to knock, and to have to deal with her.
Can you put headphones in when just you in the house? - listen to music, watch netflix - so you don't hear the door even if she does knock?

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 30/01/2018 16:43

Well done OP! You've done brilliantly fending her off twice today. I don't blame you for not cutting her off completely as PP have suggested - you're clearly a considerate and kind person and you need to do things your way. Huge step forward today though! Flowers

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 30/01/2018 16:44

Also, think about having one of those doorbells fitted with a camera on that's linked up to an app your phone. Then you can see whether she's at the door and decide whether to answer or not!

Pickitup · 30/01/2018 16:46

Your kindness has been abused. Good luck with moving forward, the first few times will be difficult but easier each time. If you have to lie, do so, your health is far more important.

RandomMess · 30/01/2018 16:50

Another option is to say how busy you are the next few weeks but you could do her a quick manicure on x at y time...

Perhaps an hour max before school pick up, or a sat morning early before you head out?

LimberlostGirl · 30/01/2018 16:50

Well done OP, glad you have had a good day with your DD.

Don’t give out too many details of why you can’t help , family activities etc, that gives her another ‘in’ into your life. She will be knocking to see how you are every five minutes or whether you had a nice day out. It is really none of her business why you can’t help her anymore.

Nikephorus · 30/01/2018 16:53

If your only visitors (except her) are expected, could you get them to text when they're just arriving so you don't need to answer the door otherwise? That way she can't get you and she might give up easier (eventually)
And set yourself a goal for tomorrow of not doing her any favours, however tiny.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 16:54

Some very good ideas here, I think as long as I carry on like I am now I can get there I had a long conversation with my dad about it he said the same as some of you. He also said, if she needed things like really needed them she would be happy with them from anywhere not demanding certain shops, and possibly she is wanting the company. I still said I can no longer do it. I couldn’t tell him I was going back on these tablets as he was so proud I’d come off them.

OP posts:
petmyunicorn · 30/01/2018 16:55

You are doing phenomenally well - I hope you are proud of that! Once you're feeling better you could try to move from making plausible excuses to just saying no. Because she could see these as a string of genuine reasons, and expect things to go back to normal soon!

Keep on keeping on! You can do this.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 16:55

I try not to tell her too much but I feel in my head if I don’t have a valid reason then I should do it for her and I can’t carry on like this. So I have started to plan ahead.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 30/01/2018 16:57

Well done OP.
Now I hope you can feel strong enough to tell her that you are unwell (totally true) and must rest much, much more next time she asks you to do whatever.
Fine to get a few things from a shop if you are going to that shop for yourself anyway. Otherwise no - you are otherwise engaged or resting, or just not convenient.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 30/01/2018 16:57

Well bloody done. Twice in one day!!

Keep that door locked. Good for your dad and DH. I would also run with the 'doctors orders' line. She can't go against that.

I'm also up for building a moat if you need a hand Smile

BMW6 · 30/01/2018 16:59

"I don't want to " is a perfectly valid reason OP, it really really is.

CrustyCob · 30/01/2018 17:01

Your Dad is right about her. I'm so sorry that you didn't feel able to tell him about the medication. He probably would have gone and read her fortune to her as they say around where I live Smile

You are doing great. Have you been offered any talking therapy from the doc at all? I know it is not for everyone but it can be a good help too.

What is she like with the other neighbours OP? Do you think they are wise to her?

You have done really well today. Flowers Be proud of yourself.

Original poster
spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 17:01

Haha yes a moat would be handy just now! I know BMW in my head it should be but i can’t do it at the moment. I will though. Thank god I posted on here, honestly I’d of been at rock bottom again today and I feel positive and calm thank you to all of you

OP posts:
Original poster
spagbol11 · 30/01/2018 17:05

Hi crusty yes my doc has referred me a few time for talking therapy, as this isn’t my only issue, I also have an alcoholic abusive mother (she left when I was young so dad brought me up) and have struggled to come to terms with this, however I’ve never had the strength to talk. But I have filled in the forms today to see a counsellor and will deal with everything.

OP posts:
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