Neighbour issues AIBU

[spagbol11]

Need some advice please,
I have a neighbour, she’s elderly but very capable of living alone doing her own shopping etc. Shops are a short walk away, taxis freely available-I have lived near her for 6 months.
Don’t want to out myself but let’s say I’m a beauty therapist, and she calls once a weeks asking me to do her nails, fair enough only takes 30 minutes but I rarely have that 30 minutes free. She also has asked me to take her shopping when I go, I take my 2 children too on one of my days off and I also take her but it’s getting extremely stressful, she is not happy just going to Asda let’s say she wants to go to home bargains, Morrison’s and ALDI, with 2 kids in tow they get extremely bored and I get extremely stressed out and waste a day off running around after her.
Now I work 5 days a week only have 2 off and have housework 2dc (2&8) and a dog. I struggle to keep on top of everything and keep everyone happy but lately am feeling extremely overwhelmed.
For example one day last week she had an appointment in town asked me to collect her at lets say 12-30 I explained I don’t finish work until 4pm, she then made a point of walking instead of taxi and saying she’s exhausted.
4 or 5 times she’s called me to collect her from Train station to collect her at 6.30 or sometimes even 7.30 as she’s been out shopping to a city for the day but can’t walk home.
She has also started to make me feel guilty for planning other things on my day off. Say this weekend I planned to visit my dad and spend the day with him and she was quite taken aback that I wouldn’t be spending that day running her around, I also planned to take my children swimming yesterday which she was also unhappy I wasn’t taking her shopping. My eldest is sick of trailing round supermarkets when we’re supposed to spending quality time together-I am really feeling at the end of my tether with this.
I have been on anti depressants (mirtazapine) and came off them before Xmas and am debating going back on them, have an app with doctor tomorrow as I honestly feel I cannot keep this up.
I don’t want to upset her but I can’t keep going on like this.

Can I also say she has 2 children age 40 ish who visit but never take her in to town or shopping.

AIBU and what can I do?

Well done OP. Small steps. Ask your husband to stand by you actively (as in: she said no already neighbour! if she continues to ask things) when he's around. That will help a lot.

You're doing well, good on you! She is a total piss taker and doesn't deserve a lovely kind neighbour like you.

Yay!! Well done OP. Small steps in the right direction.
Now don't let all us impatient ones make you feel down - that's a great first step.

A bolt on the door or keeping the key turned in the lock would be a good next step (followed by armed guards, a watchtower and a crocodile filled moat) . That's the next step to stopping her crossing your threshold without your permission.

Enjoy the rest of your day

You have to stop offering her anything at all or she will continue to push her luck and drive you mad.

Get your dh to go round later and say that you’ve been to the doctor who says you have to stop helping her completely as you are completely exhausted. Dh needs to say he agrees and is visiting to say that from now on she must make her own arrangements. If she is lonely, which undoubtedly sounds the case, she must find some other ways to meet people. No way is she incapable of getting her own shopping and doing her own chores.

Your dh needs to be completely firm and no compromises made. From now on there can be no more favours. Then in future avoid standing and chatting, be in a hurry when you bump into her. Have friends to meet and classes to reach.

My fil has a huge family yet still asks his neighbours for completely inappropriate favours. He’s just got no filter. Sadly, I can see they often avoid him and he’s almost 90!!

So no offering a small task instead of the bigger one. It doesn’t work.

Once you’ve started it will get easier. Don’t allow this woman to make you ill. She has issues which are not yours.

You have come so far! Well done

I know the offering of milk and bread was a slip, but you MUST stop that. yes the silence will be uncomfortable, but it has to stop.

Thing is, YES, she is taking the piss in many ways, but YOU are offering too, and all she then has to do is accept... and then she tacks something on. Shut it all down.

Sorry, one very helpful phrase will be, ‘I just can’t help you. I absolutely promised dh as he thinks I’ve been overdoing it. Bye, I hope you find a solution.’

Well done so far.

Hi Spagbol, just rtft and I can't believe how much she is manipulating you! You've taken a fab first step today. Hope you start to feel better

I think you need to do something definitive to halt this. Think how much it is going to add to your anxiety to have to continue to "be strong" and try every day to not say yes to constant requests. Not mind the passive aggresive martyr comments. You arr lying to her. You need to be more honest.

You need to tell her. Or your dp needs to tell her that it has become too much for you to be caring for her as well as your dc. You do not and will not continue to be carers for her. Thus means she needs to establish a different support network. Be that her family or paid help. Perhaps speak to age concern. If she cant live in her own home without relying on you she needs to go into supported living or a retirement community.

Tell her that the endless requests have worn you down. You have done too much and now you can do no more.

I think its one thinv tgat shes been happy to take and take but the manipulative behaviour is awful.

I think you need to put it back on her that you feel ill because of the demands youve faced from her. Approach her family. Tell them the 5 potatoes story. Make them realise that their mother is pestering you unnecessarily and demanding all of your spare time.it has to stop.

Hi all yes door is locked as partner has left for work now, me and my daughter are having a play with her dolls house. I have spoken with doctor and she feels I should go back on flouxetine (think that’s how you spell it) tablets until I start to feel better, then I will have more strength. I can’t believe I have gone backwards. However today I’m feeling positive I have got caught up with my housework and spent a lovely day with my partner and daughter when I could of been round 4 supermarkets and feel like throwing self under the nearest moving car.

Thanks to all of you to for making me realise how awful this has got

Just found this thread! Definitely keep the doors locked, at least when she has to know and be admitted, it reminds her that she is intruding and not some kind of member of the family.
Just remember that every encounter with her from now on has to logged with us, and we will tear you apart if you fail to be strong! 😉

Well done. Now get those crocodiles in the moat......

Excellent progress, OP. Now all you need do is rehearse saying, "No!" and remember to say it next time she asks for something.

You can do this, you really can.

You are doing grand OP!
Anxiety is a big deal to manage, glad that you are feeling a bit better.
We are all really cross at this woman, the cheek of her.
You are doing well... bit at a time.

@spagbol11 ((((Hugs)))) You can do it.

It’s CFs like that when you really want to utter the immortal words: ‘Release the hounds...’

Well done, we knew you'd do it, please please don't let her just walk into your house anymore, keep the door shut, it's really invasive of her and disrespectful. One of you needs to tell her to stop banging on the windows too. You will begin to feel stronger, you know deep down you don't have to tell her your personal business or make up excuses, you'll get there.

Ok she came round again just before school run, I explained I couldn’t chat had to collect my prescription after having to go to docs today (due to feeling completely and utterly drained) she then had her purse in her hand which always scares me, she said could I get a loaf of bread, I said yes that’s fine I needed to nip to co-op for bread anyways, I drew the line at the card she wanted, I don’t have time to be browsing for cards for people I don’t know. She also gave daughter and son £1 for sweeties. I said I was busy and would be busy this eve as have sons friend over for tea and am at work the rest of the week, also threw in I would be out with daughter Saturday swimming as son is at birthday party and Sunday having a family day out as partners 1st day off in a while. I start my tablets tomorrow

P.s door was locked and she knocked until I answered, I thought it was my dad as he was popping up but no it was her

How did you feel after saying No to so much? (In effect - and laying some good groundwork for later.)

I felt as if I was covered in a way, as I had excused myself from the situation. I feel like I can get back to normal, I was even emotional talking to the doctor, I need to get out of this situation

Well done spagboll! 👊🏼💪

Well done you! That's twice in one day you've fended her off! Keep it up :)