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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has a friend staying. And she's using us like a hotel!

311 replies

Singingtherapy · 27/01/2018 21:11

A close friend of my 15 year old daughter moved around 80 miles away in August. She and my daughter remained close and talk most days. This weekend she's come to stay with us for the first time, Friday to Sunday. We all prepared to welcome her, DD planned their itinerary, I filled the fridge with food and looked forward to hosting her for a weekend. Turns out her agenda was a little different. She arrived with plenty of money for taxis and has been out to see three different groups of friends, never inviting dd. DD is coping fine, just shrugging it off. It's not on though is it?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 16:30

Im glad the girl was found safely and got her comeuppance. I really hope she has learned a valuable lesson.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 16:31

And I do agree you needed to be more responsible for her.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/01/2018 16:35

You do need to inform her parents of what's happened. Did you have her telephone number to call her on to find out where she was? As soon as it was apparent she was missing you should have called her parents, as well as the Police. Apart from that, you did nothing wrong, at 15 and my other friends used to go clubbing and discos over 20 years ago. They are 15, not 5!

Aeroflotgirl · 28/01/2018 16:37

Yesabey reined her in a bit. No you are not going out to see friends, you have come t see dd, why not do something together.

Original poster
Singingtherapy · 28/01/2018 16:54

I couldn't have handled it any better. How do I know that? Well ... if I've got toothache I go to the dentist. If I think I may have a chest infection I liaise with, and respect the opinion of my GP. And if I want an appraisal of my handling of a missing teenager I listen to the police above the random ramblings of mumsnetters. And in the past 17 hours I've had three conversations with 3 police officers. Two by phone and 1 face to face. During which all the facts were gathered. And each of these professionals thanked me for my help, expressed sympathy for what this girl was putting me through and went on their merry way. Without a word, literally not one word of criticism. That'll do me. Thanks anyway!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 28/01/2018 17:00

I would have said something long before she went missing.

MadMags · 28/01/2018 17:01

Yes, you could have handled it better. By taking some actual responsibility for a child in your car.

I’m taking a wild guess here but I would imagine the police have important things to deal with, and in comparison to what they usually see, this probably wasn’t a big deal.

That still doesn’t mean you acted well. Because you didn’t. And your attitude is really quite disgraceful.

Idontdowindows · 28/01/2018 17:07

Without a word, literally not one word of criticism.

LOL, you actually think the police would have criticised you to your face?

Well, they would have done if she'd turned up raped somewhere, but believe you me, they have some choice words to say about you amongst themselves.

dinosaurslippers · 28/01/2018 17:09

Your name is part of a police investigation. If there is a next time, concerning your own daughter or anyone else who is foolhardy enough to let a child go to your place, it will be flagged.

But you seem to think this is normal?

Winteriscoming18 · 28/01/2018 17:11

I agree with others your update is pretty appalling and you should no acknowledgement of your lack of judgement in this case. I would have been furious with my dd in this case but also you as an adult in charge who was suppose to look out for her.

DaisyDando · 28/01/2018 17:24

I think you probably handled it ok. Glad it’s all sorted and everyone is ok. I’m not looking forward to the teenage years - I for one was a teenage twat.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 28/01/2018 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crashbangwhallop · 28/01/2018 17:42

Who lets their kid travel 80 miles on their own and has no clue who the parents are?

greenlanes · 28/01/2018 17:43

i think you sound very negligent. this under age child was in your care and you couldnt be bothered to contact her parents. If i were them i wouldnt be at all pleased at how she had behaved but i would be angry at you as the adult supposedly in charge. the sad thing is that there are plenty of parents like you who wont take responsibility for other people's children.

NotAgainYoda · 28/01/2018 17:46

I've got a 15 year old and a 17 year old. I do understand you don't necessarily have a relationship with their parents, but that's not the case when their child is staying with you. You should have direct communication with them and it should be acknowledged that either you are in a position of responsibility towards their child, or you are not expected to be. You need to hear that from them

I think too many parents are scared of teenagers

Lovemusic33 · 28/01/2018 17:46

I think OP is getting a hard time here. I’m wondering how many of you have a 15 year old dc, they are not always easy to keep track of, you can’t keep them locked up or follow them around.

I think this girl has used OP’s dd, probably planned to just use her house as somewhere to stay (free hotel). He parents were obviously happy to let her go off on her own to stay with friends without discussing rules with OP, she’s turned up with money so she can to travel to see other friends and had no plans to take OP’s dd with her. She sounds like a selfish teen. She’s basically used OP for free accommodation, probably free food and somewhere to charge her phone.

RadioGaGoo · 28/01/2018 17:46

The child's parents are just as negligent as the OP as far as I am concerned

NotAgainYoda · 28/01/2018 17:48

... and by the way, if the parents said you weren't expected to be responsible for their child that would be a big red flag. So yes, you should have contacted them before, during and after

NotAgainYoda · 28/01/2018 17:48

Radio

Yes. I agree.

OnlyAmy · 28/01/2018 17:50

I think the poster made all the right moves. If something had happened to the girl, everyone would be all over her, pointing out that someone else's child was in her care. She was absolutely right in what she did. Would love to hear what the girls parents thought.

Lovemusic33 · 28/01/2018 17:50

I agree Radio , my dd is 14 and there’s no way I would let her go and stay miles away for the weekend without phoning the parents and setting ground rules.

mumpoints · 28/01/2018 17:52

OnlyAmy "If something had happened..."

It DID happen. The police were called. Read the thread!

NotAgainYoda · 28/01/2018 17:55

lovemusic

Don't assume we are all naive parents of toddlers on here...

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 28/01/2018 17:56

How are all these friends she's left behind not also friends of your dd? Hmm. Your dd didn't have to be invited along to meet people she knows perfectly well??
If this is true bet it isn't you and your daughter did sound like a pair of limp lettuces

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 17:58

Lovemusic
I agree. Just thinking back to when I did the French exchange parents obviously didn’t have contact with the hosts. In a way this is the same. No way would I do that as a parent myself.

And no I don’t have a 15 yo. I do remember being 15 and remember the rules. I was forever bloody phoning my mother from my friends houses to tell her exactly where I was - as in we moved from one house to another if we were hanging together for the day. And i was never late home. I imagine most parents are more relaxed than my mother was though.

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