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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude in all situations to ask for siblings to come to a birthday party?

154 replies

Allthewaves · 27/01/2018 18:39

Following on from another thread about sibling and party. I was wondering if people think it's rude in any situation to ask for sibling to come to a birthday party?

If one of my dc are invited to play centre/soft play party, I think it's fine to bring the siblings, pay them in and feed them myself at another table and they have sweets when party bags go out.

Iv been stuck for childcare and my kids have sen (i need to be nearby) so iv been to leisure parties where iv stayed in the cafe (near the hall) with siblings while one dc at the party. The parents have always some out and nicely told me off for not saying and they would have included my other children - very thoughtful.

I have my kids parties in a church hall that i cater so i really don't mind siblings as long as they let me know they are coming.

Is it rude to ask tbh I don't think so as I'd be happy to say no? I think it's rude to just turn up with siblings and leave them.

OP posts:

MadMags · 27/01/2018 19:45

I think most people ask knowing that the hosts will find it hard to say no.

It’s total cheeky fuckery.

taskmaster · 27/01/2018 19:46

The parents have always some out and nicely told me off for not saying and they would have included my other children - very thoughtful

You get that they are doing that because they feel they have to though, right?

HolyShet · 27/01/2018 19:47

insert if you are really stuck into my post above.

As the host if I haven't been able to accommodate the extras I've suggested parents drop and run and I will look out for the child, drop them home etc.

ittakes2 · 27/01/2018 19:51

I think what you are doing is fine. In general, it depends on the circumstances. But I would prefer people ask than just show up with siblings. To my twins 5th birthday party - one mum showed up with
two much older siblings when we were at a party venue which had a limit on numbers or I would have had to pay extra. We had also custom made party bags - and my m’n’law did not realise these girls had not been invited so gave the family 3 party bags for each of their children - we only realised she had done this when I ran out of party bags at the end and two poor 4 year old girls who were genuine guests missed out.

ShastaTrinity · 27/01/2018 19:55

Even at soft play I’ve booked the whole venue before but it’s still limited numbers
What kind of soft play cannot accommodate a couple more adults?

Chattymummyhere · 27/01/2018 20:10

Insurances reasons. All those types of places are insured for X amount of people maximum. They would be able to stop the party with no refund if you over occupy due to breaking the t&c’s of maximum being X. We where close we had 15 spaces as our contingency 1 space once everyone had arrived we couldn’t of taken a couple of siblings on top of both parents staying in many cases.

Tistheseason17 · 27/01/2018 20:22

I recommend the suggestion for the child to be dropped off since eldest turned 6.
I loathe it when extras turn up unannounced and expect to join in, win prizes, sit at the table and get a party bag. THEY WEREN'T INVITED! And their mums just give you this "look" of expectation CFs..

ShastaTrinity · 27/01/2018 20:27

I can get the insurance reason, but a soft play couldn't be financially viable if they didn't have the capacity to accommodate a reasonable number of clients. Unless it's a soft play within a sport center type, you need to invite a huge number of guests to fill it to capacity.

Original poster

Allthewaves · 27/01/2018 20:32

The parents have always some out and nicely told me off for not saying and they would have included my other children - very thoughtful

You get that they are doing that because they feel they have to though, right?

Nope because they didn't know my other dc were there until the end as had dropped dc at door of room and told the mum I would be in the cafe if dc had meltdown.

OP posts:

fiorentina · 27/01/2018 20:42

Surely from aged 5 or so you don’t need to stay unless they have additional needs you need to support them with or unless the parents specifically want more help.

We’ve had this situation where siblings just turn up and I find it incredibly rude to bring a sibling and then expect we will pay for an activity, we will feed them, they can have a party bag etc.

Asking in advance is fine but not being offended if someone says no should be standard.

Luckymummy22 · 27/01/2018 20:48

I’ve had to ask before if I can take sibling. It’s not something I like doing and would totally be understanding if someone said no. I would then politely decline the invitation for the other child if the answer was no.
But I will ask. I would have absolutely no issue with sibling coming to my kids parties too.
If DH is available then I would take only invited child to party.
But he often works and we have no family nearby.
I would hate if a child turned down an invite for my child’s party because their parent didn’t have childcare for another child.
My eldest is getting to age where she will be dropped at parties soon so it will be easier.

BlueMirror · 27/01/2018 20:55

If it's a private party it's is always rude to bring siblings imo. Obviously a play centre etc there is nothing to stop you (and many other parents the host doesn't know) having other children in the public bit.
Even if it's 'just' a hall and you wouldn't mind it it's still rude to put a host on the spot by taking/asking about uninvited guests. The hosts will usually feel obliged to let them attend and make sure they have a party bag/prizes etc.
It can also completely change the dynamic of the party. I remember the time when a load of older siblings rocked up to a party I did for my 4yr old and completely took over the bouncy castle going mad so the birthday child and their friends could barely have a go. Had it been younger siblings it would have meant everyone have had to be more careful so just as bad.
If siblings aren't invited they aren't wanted there! Sometimes my kids get along well with their friend's siblings and so want them at their parties. In which case they are mentioned by name on the invitation.

PancakeInMaBelly · 27/01/2018 20:55

The whole point of church hall parties is that you don't need to stress about exact numbers. That said you shouldn't assume but it's fine to ask, and sometimes the host'll even be glad of a boost in numbers of they've had a lot of "no's"

In my personal experience, older siblings are better at supervising than parents who sit back and ignore the kids chat to other parents.

It's a no go at pph activities (cinema, paintballing etc) but fine if it's somewhere that's not exclusive use like a soft play that's still open to the public (no need to ask if it's still open to the public, but worth making it known you paid separately or they might think you didnt)

MadMags · 27/01/2018 20:57

Asking is manipulative though.

Why not just decline citing childcare issues? Then the inviting parent can make the decision without being guilted/put on the spot/embarrassed into saying yes.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 27/01/2018 20:57

I think it's rude to ask, it puts people in an awkward position and many won't feel they can say no.

We had private parties at soft play so siblings couldn't attend as nobody could pay on the day.

BlueMirror · 27/01/2018 21:00

Agree madmags. Either drop the child off or if you can't tell them you'll have to decline as you have no-one to watch your other child. Then at least the host can reply 'ok, thanks for letting me know' or tgey can invite the sibling if they want to rather than out of awkwardness.

PancakeInMaBelly · 27/01/2018 21:01

Asking is manipulative though.
I would MUCH rather my DCs friends parents ask than decline and DC disappointed that friends can't come. I would usually try to work around it even if I had to say no to siblings due to set numbers (such as offering drop and run etc)

PancakeInMaBelly · 27/01/2018 21:04

It's not manipulative unless you're a silly non straight -forward person.
It's really not a hardship to say "I'm sorry this time were doing set numbers, would he/she be up for being dropped off and picked up later?"

Its just a conversation for goodness sake.

MadMags · 27/01/2018 21:10

I would MUCH rather my DCs friends parents ask than decline and DC disappointed that friends can't come

Yes, but your preferences are just that. Yours. Other people might feel differently.

As for it being “silly” to be anxious/nervous in certain social situations, well that’s just a bit fucking nasty, isn’t it? And I say that as someone who has no problem saying no.

I maintain it is manipulative because you could word the explanation in a way that would make it easy for the host to choose to invite siblings. But nobody ever seems to want to do that...

PancakeInMaBelly · 27/01/2018 21:14

Yes, but your preferences are just that. Yours. Other people might feel differently.
True, by the same token, people saying it's never okay to ask and anyone who says yes is saying so reluctantly is wrong. It's fine by plenty of people. The only way to know is to ask

As for it being “silly” to be anxious/nervous in certain social situations, well that’s just a bit fucking nasty, isn’t it?
The answer to not being able to say no is not to expect nobody to ever ask you a question unless they already 100% know in advance it's a yes

Luckymummy22 · 27/01/2018 21:16

It’s always done in a polite way and it’s quite clear that a ‘No’ will be more than OK. But try telling a 6 year old they can’t go to their friends party because daddy is working again!!

It does depend on the place. And you can usually tell from the invite. I would never expect any costs to be incurred for sibling.
And where possible I would keep them separate from the party.
If you have childcare on tap at weekend then good for you.
When you are in your own with the kids it’s a lot harder!!

PancakeInMaBelly · 27/01/2018 21:18

I maintain it is manipulative because you could word the explanation in a way that would make it easy for the host to choose to invite siblings. But nobody ever seems to want to do that...

If you start playing games rather than being straight forward then how are people to know what game you're playing? You might be using childcare to politely decline for another reason for all the host knows. I don't think most people would continue to "push" a decline rsvp. They'll just think you don't want to go, because that's what no means. Unless you tell them your child DOES want to go, but you would have to bring sib and is that possible..

..because some people will just take you at your word, and won't know you're doing a little dance thing where you say no but mean yes...

MadMags · 27/01/2018 21:19

I’ve declined invitations in the past because not going to a party won’t kill my child and it’s not the job of other people to make my life easier!

As I said on the other thread, I’ve stopped inviting kids whose parents do this!

BlueMirror · 27/01/2018 21:20

Of course it's manipulative. You're being put in the situation of having to actually say you don't want want someone there - potentially in front of them. If it's a hall party saying it's set numbers won't work and it's not easy to have to say my child doesn't want your other child there so most parents will just agree to be polite. Cfs know this which is why they do it.

BlueMirror · 27/01/2018 21:23

I disagree. Usually when I decline for childcare reasons the host has said it's ok to bring my other child.

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