Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disappointed that a man made this assumption?

228 replies

Soullesstrader · 26/01/2018 14:01

I work on a freelance basis in an industry that is generally forward thinking and innovative, but still largely male dominated at the senior level. I am at a senior level myself.

Today I was talking to a man at work - similar age, similar experience (I know his, he doesn't know mine), similar level. We were discussing what my next role might be and he started talking to me about how to find roles at a much more junior level - we're talking about jobs paying half my salary and requiring a quarter of my experience.

I can only assume that based on my gender and the fact I'm a single mother (he does know this about me as I told him) he had assumed he was far more senior than me.

AIBU to be shocked and really disappointed?

And no, I didn't say anything. I just smiled politely in the knowledge he will soon discover his mistake.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/01/2018 16:52

As has been said - YANBU to be disappointed, YABU to be shocked though and YWBVU to not have put him straight.

How on earth are these dinosaurs' expectations going to change if you don't show them every time they're wrong?

SusieOwl4 · 26/01/2018 16:58

I think you are over thinking it . This happens to men as well .

I know someone who is male and a very young manager .

When he interviewed potential employees he was asked twice when the manager would be coming into the interview.

ShastaTrinity · 26/01/2018 17:01

I had the same situation when the person making the comment was female, I think you are reading far too much into it.

Chanelprincess · 26/01/2018 17:04

I can only assume that based on my gender and the fact I'm a single mother (he does know this about me as I told him) he had assumed he was far more senior than me.

Have you considered this may be nothing to do with gender, but more how you have presented yourself to him professionally? This is not in anyway intended a critical remark but something else you may wish to consider when looking for all possible explanations.

Original poster
Soullesstrader · 26/01/2018 17:12

As I have said - I am not young! Age is not an excuse. I also accept that women may make the same mistake - with other women. That's the way some people are conditioned.

I'm glad to finally understand it was my fault for the way I presented myself Hmm

OP posts:
PramWanker · 26/01/2018 17:18

You have to walk your way through every other possibility, however remote, before you're allowed to assume that a man patronising you is doing it because he's a man and you're a woman OP. This is one area where Occam's Razor doesn't apply.

applesareredandgreen · 26/01/2018 17:18

As others have said - YANBU to be disappointed- but you were definitely unreasonable not to have corrected him - why wouldn’t you? Because you think that at some point in the future you MAY have a come back on this? That just seems so weird and passive aggressive. Why would you not just be clear and honest in your original conversation with him? I would have expected a lot more clear and assertive communication, given your senior role and experience.

blueyacht · 26/01/2018 17:29

There are several comments on this thread that seem to think that looking younger/being mistaken for younger, is somehow a good thing. Bollocks to that.

Really? I've love to look younger than I am. I've got 40 or 50 more years of looking like a raddled old bag, to be honest I'd be happy to squeeze out a few more half-decent years.

GetDownDog · 26/01/2018 17:36

Three types of responses here.

  1. Similar stories by those who have experienced this.
  2. Why didn't you say something?
  3. Posters falling over themselves to explain why the man treated the op like a junior.

Why should she have said something? Why is the onus on the op to rectify this?
Why does there have to be a reason? The fact is, this is a clear example of everyday sexism, and yet again the majority of posters are either blaming the op or making excuses for the man.
Why do we do this?

milliemolliemou · 26/01/2018 17:38

I think "can I stop you there?" and a civil explanation would have done it. Unless you speak clearly and gracefully and point out a mistake what's going to change?

However it's not just men who do it. To my shame I mistook a highly attractive and very young woman who greeted me at a science lab (though thank God I didn't open my mouth) as a receptionist. She turned out to be the astrophysicist who was showing me round. Equally other women have mistaken me for the second or third in command in my job when I've turned up with two men. It does tend to be more a male problem, but not exclusively.

TalkinPeace · 26/01/2018 17:42

getdown
My comments have covered both 1 and 2 in your list

THe only way the dinosaurs change is to have it thrown in their faces that they have to

eg John Humphrys suddenly fining that female Ministers no longer want to be interviewed by him
hence he agreed to a sodding great pay cut today

I have found that greeting overtly sexist comments with "Sorry, could you repeat that" and a GLARE does the trick .....
and those people tread more carefully around ALL women for months afterwards

GetDownDog · 26/01/2018 17:47

But in that situation you might not think to do that straight away, as another poster admitted to.

And even if you do react in some way I'm sure it would be wrong too - thinking about a recent Twitter thread where a high flying woman pulled up a man for offering her a job as his secretary.

HolyShet · 26/01/2018 17:56

As I said before, just send him a linked in invite, in a day or two, and let him cringe.

TalkinPeace · 26/01/2018 17:57

I guess I've had it happen so many times I have the kickback lines at the tip of my tongue at all times
"young lady" gets greeted with "Excuse Me ??" (twice in the last month)

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 26/01/2018 18:31

This:

"As I said before, just send him a linked in invite, in a day or two, and let him cringe."

perfect.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2018 18:37

And no, I didn't say anything. I just smiled politely in the knowledge he will soon discover his mistake.

I'd be more disappointed in myself, that I didn't put him straight to be honest.

In order for him to discover his mistake, he's going to have to remember the conversation, which he might not.

Jux · 26/01/2018 18:55

I wouldn't be flattered if told I look young. Why would I care if some thinks I look young? Why si that a good thing - it very clearly isn't as the men who think you look young also think you're junior and don't treat you as an equal.

It's not flattery, it's patronising.

XmasInTintagel · 26/01/2018 19:59

I wouldn't be flattered if told I look young. Why would I care if some thinks I look young? Why si that a good thing
Well, I guess the whole beauty industry has got it all wrong then, with all the anti aging moisturizers, facelifts, etc. Women just aren't interested in any of that!
I accept there may be a very small minority who don't care what age they look, but you are being a bit naive suggesting that its unusual or strange for a woman to be happy she looks young for her age.

XmasInTintagel · 26/01/2018 20:06

Why does there have to be a reason? The fact is, this is a clear example of everyday sexism, and yet again the majority of posters are either blaming the op or making excuses for the man.
So you have said there doesn't have to be a reason for his assumption, and then stated that your interpretation is the only explanation. Thats just 'it is because I say it is' - it doesn't make it true.

fabulousfrumpyfeet · 26/01/2018 20:13

This happens too me a lot, a assumed it was because of my youthful looks!

latara23 · 26/01/2018 20:17

I always get mistaken for being senior to my role.

I'm an HCA but I get called Nurse, or even Sister... have also been asked many times when I will finish my student nurse training! (I'm 41!).

TheStoic · 26/01/2018 23:07

As I said before, just send him a linked in invite, in a day or two, and let him cringe.

No he won’t. He probably won’t even remember their conversation.

rcit · 26/01/2018 23:23

People can’t tell ages. He could easily have taken you as 10yrs younger, even if you look completely average for your age.

Why didn’t you say when he suggested jobs at x level, oh I’m at y level or whatever? It probably was just a mistake.

SteamyBeignets · 27/01/2018 00:26

I was supposed to interview a guy who's going for my job. I was leaving my job and the position was for 450 a day contracting. He was late and when I came out I found him at the receptionist and I said X the other interviewer is expecting you. Even after I said I work for the department but unfortunately I had to leave because he was late he assumed I was a junior and was very dismissive. Must be mindblowing to him that a woman can do his job in a male dominated industry. I corrected him and said it was my position he was filling and left him promptly. He didnt get the job.

Cheekyandfreaky · 27/01/2018 01:31

Really disappointed in all of the ‘earnest’ comments explaining to the OP that this isn’t about her being a woman. Really? So we don’t have problems with equal pay in this country or representation in boardrooms, or just fucking everything. We are equal, jolly good.