AIBU to be disappointed that a man made this assumption?

[Soullesstrader]

I work on a freelance basis in an industry that is generally forward thinking and innovative, but still largely male dominated at the senior level. I am at a senior level myself.

Today I was talking to a man at work - similar age, similar experience (I know his, he doesn't know mine), similar level. We were discussing what my next role might be and he started talking to me about how to find roles at a much more junior level - we're talking about jobs paying half my salary and requiring a quarter of my experience.

I can only assume that based on my gender and the fact I'm a single mother (he does know this about me as I told him) he had assumed he was far more senior than me.

AIBU to be shocked and really disappointed?

And no, I didn't say anything. I just smiled politely in the knowledge he will soon discover his mistake.

to put context around this - even in the organisation I work in, people are often surprised I am as senior as I am because I look fairly young and I am generally very friendly to all

A friend of mine (who clearly doesnt know what i do for work) once told me that if i worked really hard i too could reach the dizzy heights of being a PA.

Why do you immediately think it was because of your gender?

Hmmm hard one... maybe just by experience??? Because few women are at that leve, in her area so it is always assumed she won’t be? Because we live in a patriarcal society where women with children are expected to be part time etc etc

Well in fairness you see similar scenarios on here. Men have careeers, women with children have little jobs and work as little as possible. Mothers and ambition do not mix.

I’m a bit with the OP, in that I prefer someone so patronising and presumptuous to find out in the most embarrassing way. Don’t want to give too outing details, hence the vague account. I was in a creative venue and relaxing after the stress of a massive deadline. Some creepy dude who looked a bit like a Beatnik goat wearing roll neck sweater, sidled up to me uninvited and started to explain the work in the most patronising way. Those who know me would duck for cover when I start raising one eyebrow in a bemused way. He eventually finished his monologue and asked me what brought me to the place. I calmly informed him that it was my work, he had been explaining to me and that I had singlehandedly managed the entire project. I chuckled when he slinked away.

YANBU

If you were discussing your future roles, he should have asked what your current role was, instead of assuming your next role would be at a more junior position.

Unfortunately, not shocking.

You could have asked him:
"So, you think I should be demoted? Why?"

And then watch his face.

those one-liners don't work in real life.

OP I think you did well to say nothing. Smart one-liners work better on mumsnet or when prepared well in advance. If you'd said something the emotion might have come through in your voice abit.

Why on earth did you say nothing? It would have been so easy to tell him you are employed on the same grade (or whatever) as him!

This way he has learnt nothing, and will continue making the same assumptions.

My female friend was representing her company at a careers recruitment fair with two male colleagues. A student came up to their table and was chatting to the men, then asked my friend if she was responsible for admin for the company.

Her reply was “No, I own it”

@morphene @thestoic

maybe she was delighted cos she got the chance to tell a MAN a stupid bloody MAN with all his stupid bloody sexist misogynistic assumptions that he was WRONG and that she was much older than he'd thought and that she was a STRONG INDEPENDENT EDUCUATED WOMAN

Does that help?

Jeez....

To everyone saying 'why didn't you say anything'- that's all very well in hindsight! I have a million pithy comebacks that I wish I'd said at the time to people who have been cheeky to me, but when I'm taken aback, I tend to lose the power of speech!

OP, YANBU. How is he likely to find out?

My friend is a senior manager within an accountancy firm.

On her first day, someone assumed she was the new 'admin girl' and was thoroughly embarrassed when he realised she was senior to him!

You should have said something.

I don't think a pithy comeback was required. Just "Eh? I'm already on a grade X."

"AIBU to be shocked and really disappointed?" You are unreasonable to be totally up yourself. Just have a conversation and stop trying to find reasons to be offended.

"AIBU to be shocked and really disappointed?" You are unreasonable to be totally up yourself. Just have a conversation and stop trying to find reasons to be offended.

maybe she was delighted cos she got the chance to tell a MAN a stupid bloody MAN with all his stupid bloody sexist misogynistic assumptions that he was WRONG and that she was much older than he'd thought and that she was a STRONG INDEPENDENT EDUCUATED WOMAN

Yeah, maybe.

But Yanbu. I am really pushing for the current turning of the tide.

A teacher at my sons school called out a pupil for using his mobile phone in the corridor during lesson time.

Except the pupil was my sons English teacher taking a call from his wife to say she had gone into labour!

To be fair, when I met him at parents evening I also assumed he was a pupil - both my 16 & 18 yr olds (and many of the 6th form boys) looked older than him.

At the risk of being controversial, people don't necessarily guess that you're junior because they think women are less able, it could well be that they are basing it on their experience (and OP did say the industry is still quite male dominated).
Both men and women have assumed I do an admin job, because where I work, most women around my age ARE doing admin jobs. I wasn't annoyed, they can't know that I'm an exception to the average.

There are certainly issues in society with women not always getting the same opportunities as men, but this individuals guess is just based on his experience of that industry, is it not?

Because it almost always is the case that men assume women are junior employees with limited skills. It's almost always the case that when men walk into a meeting with new clients/collaborators and there's only one woman there, they will ask her to get them coffee or take the minutes without even checking what her role is (and when it turns out she's the CEO, be sulky rather than apologise).

I can only assume that based on my gender and the fact I'm a single mother (he does know this about me as I told him) he had assumed he was far more senior than me.
So, you are making assumptions about him making assumptions about you. Perhaps it is your age, or the way you come across that is causing him to make assumptions, rather than your gender? Perhaps he is this way with everyone?

Connect with him on linked in so he can see your cv.

If I was being the generous I would say his attitude is merely a reflection of the fact that women - are - generally and consistently shafted in terms of work opportunity and pay.

But the chances are he was being an arrogant tosser, and I would have to put him right.

Regardless of being male dominated, nobody can assume work levels based on gender. I'm sure there will be some females in top positions, even if few.
And I suspect he'd have asked a man what his position was.

Having said that, he could have been ageist instead of sexist, if, for example, you look young, OP.