AIBU to be disappointed that a man made this assumption?

[Soullesstrader]

I work on a freelance basis in an industry that is generally forward thinking and innovative, but still largely male dominated at the senior level. I am at a senior level myself.

Today I was talking to a man at work - similar age, similar experience (I know his, he doesn't know mine), similar level. We were discussing what my next role might be and he started talking to me about how to find roles at a much more junior level - we're talking about jobs paying half my salary and requiring a quarter of my experience.

I can only assume that based on my gender and the fact I'm a single mother (he does know this about me as I told him) he had assumed he was far more senior than me.

AIBU to be shocked and really disappointed?

And no, I didn't say anything. I just smiled politely in the knowledge he will soon discover his mistake.

He's going to be so embarrassed when he finds out..... oh, no, he won't be. He'll just think you should have told him. I kind of hope he asks you to get him a coffee so you can tell him to ask a secretary.....

I agree LeCroissant And that’s why it’s so important correct that sort of comments.
As the OP said, no way he wouod have made the same assumption if he had been talking to a man.

I have to say, I hate that sort of attitude (and the reason why I work for myself nowdays(

Maybe he thinks you are a lot younger than you are which is flattering. Or haven't had as much experience as he has.

Soul, is it possible that you didn't transmit to him your level of knowledge? You being freelance...... perhaps he thought you wanted a position in the company.
It sounds to me like he was being kind and trying to help you.

Typical, I'm afraid. I agree with the OP that he wouldn't have made such an assumption is she'd been a man. He shouldn't have assumed anything actually, he should have asked.

YY Jux.
When he finds out, he won’t be embarrassed. I don’t think it will even cross his mind to be because the OP will still be somewhere lower down in his mind.

Why do you immediately think it was because of your gender?
Because it is.

I've been out on audit and been asked
Does your husband approve of you doing this sort of work?
[hmmm]

I was once at a preview of an art prize, invited as being the editor of a magazine, granted I was only 26, but was furious when a snotty older man said “so what are you, some sort of high class PA, I suppose?”.

It's almost always the case that when men walk into a meeting with new clients/collaborators and there's only one woman there, they will ask her to get them coffee
Wow, I have never seen anything like that happen, it may be almost always in some industry (I'm interested to know which?), but that is a whole different thing from the passing assumption I and the OP were talking about, and certainly should be challenged.

TBH when DH and I went to the Buck House Garden Party it was clear by body language that everybody assumed I was the "plus one"

Talkin
You being asked if your husband approves of your work reminds me of the question I've had over the years, especially when working at a weekend, of who is looking after my children. Often followed on with "Oh, isn't he good" when I say DH.

I've had it happen to me when I was young. Moved around the company a lot, taking promotions when I could. Invariably someone in the new department would assume I was in some sort of admin role because I was a woman in my twenties. Not just men either; other young women were equally guilty.

I corrected them immediately, but politely, every single time. "Oh no I'm the new such and such. Yes I do look young but I've been qualified x number of years now."

Love the fact that you left the situation to unfold. Very mature.
I would probably have Just let it blurt out. Your way is much better.

Why on earth did you not just correct him? It may have made him realise how patronising he sounded.

Chelle
Well done. What an absolutely fantastic bit of detective work misogynist women blaming

A man makes the assumptipn that because op is a women she is automatically in a lower grade job than him and is her fault for not being good enough at her job? Never mind that the man doesnt actually know what job she has its obviously his total guess has hit the nail on the head and op is failing at her job!
Just when you think you have heard it all on MN.

TBH I once got asked to get a coffee by the head of a large public sector body.
The general I'd been chatting to was so embarrassed that HE went and got them
not all men are dinosaurs

A friend of mine runs her own consultancy and the name of the company is basically her name - a very obviously female name. She was holding a meeting with people she hadn't met before and had a back and forth with them sorting out times etc, again with her name mentioned often. She then went to the meeting and got set up. A man then piped up 'I thought there was going to be some sort of consultant at this meeting?' My friend, who was very obviously laying out all the materials for the meeting, brightly said 'That's me!' (while fuming of course). Despite seeing her name multiple times, and seeing her setting up he still couldn't compute that she might be running the meeting - I presume he thought she was an assistant or something. He at least had the good grace to look a little embarrassed.

YANBU to be disappointed.
YWBU not to correct him.

There are several comments on this thread that seem to think that looking younger/being mistaken for younger, is somehow a good thing. Bollocks to that.

I don't care if I look young/old. I've worked hard in my life and I'm proud of my achievements. I don't want people to think I'm younger than I am - I am bloody lucky to be alive, and I see age as a badge of honor. My value has nothing to do with looking a certain age, and it isn't flattering to suggest so. I have no more control over my age than I do over my height or skin color. It would be fucking weird to congratulate me on looking tall/short or white/black, so why is age treated like that?

(Don't worry, I know the answers. I was just using rhetorical questions in my little rant)

When does he find out his mistake

And please come back and update :)

Well said KickAss. I also think that many women are told they're treated less well because they look young when that's not really the case. A man's hardly going to say 'I don't respect you because you're a woman' is he?? I've come across the 'you look young' thing many times as an excuse men use for talking down to women. I may look young, but that's still no reason to make assumptions about me and treat me like I'm an idiot. In my experience men don't get treated with nearly as much patronising contempt, no matter how young they look.

YANBU, similar thing happened to me and I was furious. A colleague in a team we work closely with (who is about 15 years older than me and the same grade) approached my line manager to poach me for a "promotion" which was actually two grades lower than what I was already working at. Luckily my line manager put him straight!

I've also come across a fair few situations where men with a lot less experience/authority than I have were treated with far more respect than I was. There was a sense that I should be grateful to be there and whatever I did was easy and bit pointless whereas the man was super special and important no matter how little he knew or did.

Cumulatively, the effect of that constant low level disrespect is really damaging.