To go cold on a teacher I knew had an affair

[AutisticAuteur]

Me: early forties, my kids have autism, I probably do too. One thing in my past, is that I tend to treat people in a very straightforward way. So friends of mine would rip someone to shreds behind their back, but be nicey-nicey to their face. Muggins here wouldn't say much behind their back - but also may run cool to their face - and end up as the one labelled a bitch .

Which is why I wondered if MN hive brain could advise me if I was massively sabotaging myself in how I was handling this situation.

Over Christmas, my best friend opened up about her marriage troubles, and it turned out her husband had had an affair the year previously with my DS2s current class teacher. They ended up leaving the area, uprooting the kids and are now painfully trying to rebuild their lives.

She swore me to secrecy. No one knows apparently.

Now this teacher and I were quite buddy. She also taught DS1, and she's music co-ordinator at the school, which I've at various times supported as a parent volunteer (accompanying music group trips and such).

I've not said a word to her - kept the professional side going (ie any discussions relating to DS2 and such). I've not put myself forward for any volunteering opportunities since Christmas (some that I would have normally).

it feels really weird to have a this triangle going on. It's not even that I judge - but teacher has no idea of the friendship between me and my friend - and it seems incompatible to be having any manner of social relationship with them both.

I thought I'd been civil and normal throughout - but the other day the teacher tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if everything was OK. And done other little things which make me think she thinks she's pissed me off and is trying to 'win me round' (eg giving DS2 'star of the week' twice in January, and coming out to big up the (very minor ) achievement that earned it)

So - basically - is going visibly cool on this teacher shooting myself in the foot - because it puts awkwardness into DS2 School aspect - and because it was previously a strong link between me and the school? Or is this exactly how a neurotypical would also react - and just a crappy part of the 'rich tapestry of life'. It's really hard to not just blurt it out tbh!

I am being investigated for autism and I believe it’s a strong likelihood.

And I would likely be the same. I am very black white and can’t stand being fake I also struggle with lying.

Having had issues with my kids schools I would say, keep your mouth shut and try to ignore it.

Chances are from sept you won’t see her much anyway

When you refer to the "triangle" are you including yourself in this? If you are then stop. It's nothing to do with you. You can be annoyed but I'd leave it at that and treat the teacher in a normal manner

In NT, and I’d react exactly as you have. Mainly as this teachers private life has directly negatively impacted on a close friend.

I’d also just think she wasn’t a person I want to associate with on a personal level. Having been friends with a woman who had an affair I found I ended up just not liking her and the kindest thing all round was to remove myself from the friendship.

Carry on being bright and polite, but if it’s uncomfortable for you, there’s no obligation on you to volunteer your time for helping out in this teachers classes.

Your friend was unfair telling you who imo as it puts you in an unfair position. She could have had a heart to heart without mentioning names.

It’s not going to be fair on anyone involved, most of all your child, if you let it impact upon things though

The person "at fault" is the cheater. You might not approve of someone having a relationship with someone married. And you'd be entirely reasonable to feel uncomfortable with their "choices". It's certainly reasonable if you're close to put the nonschool friend first. But, you're clear you don't know the full story. You have two people you are friendly with. What one has said has changed your view of the other. This is also fine (though some might fact check).
Having a solely professional/ parent interaction with school is also fine.
I would offer the teacher the usual (but distant) assurances. That YOU are fine, that you aren't in a position to volunteer with things at school.
You've no need to be seen as a bitch friendships sometimes go nowhere and that is important - you are not responsible for keeping all friendships going.
If you are pushed by this person (which would surprise me, but people sometimes don't take the hint to back off) then you could go the
Honesty route and say you are supporting your friend

It's the 'walking down the street with my friend and bumping into the teacher' aspect.

I feel the teacher would immediately deduce that I knew about her and my friends DH and would feel exposed if she'd been having chummy chummy social chats with me that I was potentially reporting back to my friend iyswim.

Like - this teacher has previously told me stuff about her own kids, and stories from her childhood and stuff. In her shoes I'd not appreciate not knowing that I was telling this stuff to someone who is one step removed from what was ( presumably) a painful amputation from her life.

Although my friend swore me to secrecy and I will respect that - I fundamentally believe secrets rarely stay secrets - so I try to behave as though everyone will know everything eventually . (Is that my autistic weak 'theory of mind' ???)

What are the chances of meeting her with your friend?

And even if you did then it's still not your business. It's not a nice thing that's happened to your friend and you're right to be annoyed but it's not anything to do with you

Honestly, I think most normal people would recognise that the affair was none of their business. You can maintain a friendly, professional relationship with the teacher, and contribute voluntarily at the school, without being disloyal to your friend. It's in the direct interests of your DC to do so.

Your duty as a friend is not to be judge and jury on the offending parties, doling out social punishment to them. It's to support and care for your mate.

Plenty of people do things that are morally questionable. One of my close friends had an affair. I disagreed with it at the time on the grounds that it was harming all three of the parties most closely involved, I repeatedly expressed concerns about it - and I was there to support her when those concerns proved to be well-founded. She didn't stop being my mate because she made a misjudgement, though the lack of concern she showed for the wife in question did slightly change my view of her character. But people are flawed and imperfect, and they make mistakes - all of us do. It would be lovely if things could be straightforwardly black and white, but most of real life is shades of grey.

Its not the judgement, whiskey it's the duplicity that I feel it requires from my side.

I mean - I am an Oscar worthy actress when required - and I'll 'turn it on' if it's the right thing to do ( and yes - my stance potentially harms my DC - and chucks my previous investment in the school relationship down the toilet)

But it feels very very odd to have this ....... asymmetry of knowledge ..... teacher doesn't know what I know.

And it does feel disloyal to my friend to be effectively giving this teacher a professional leg up by continuing my fullsome support of the music - when my friend had to quit work as a result of the move and is having to mop up a world of shit with her family and DC.

Personally think your being a nosy cow. No one knows the ins and outs of someones life/relationship so stay out of it. its literally NONE of your business.

The affair was nothing to do with you & there is no reason why you can't have a friendship with both your friend and the teacher.

If the teacher finds out you are friendly & feels awkward, well that is her problem.

When you have friends, it doesn't automatically mean you have to share everything with all of them. I have all sorts of stuff carefully filed in my brain from various sources in my friendship groups that would never be disclosed, even within the groups. If I am told something in confidence, I will keep the confidence.

Darcy I'm not in it in the slightest! I haven't breathed a word to anyone!

But you're saying a neurotypical would be able to stay exactly the same with the teacher - and have these two great friends in different areas of their life without tension?

I think 'nosy cow' is kind of harsh tbh

Maybe this is because I’m not autistic and don’t know any autistic adults well, but I feel like you’re obsessing over not being “neurotypical”. It doesn’t matter whether you have autism or not - you can like whoever you want and dislike whoever you want. If this has changed your opinion of the teacher and made you dislike her, then you are more than welcome to distance yourself from her, as you are doing.

What you would not be welcome to do is discuss her affair with her, because she didn’t tell you about it. There will have been hundreds of factors from both sides that you won’t know about, so you’re best off just staying uninvolved. If you’re uncomfortable around her, avoid being around her and keep brushing off any “are you okay?” Questions.
You dont have any obligation to either friend regarding one another, but if this has made you dislike DS’s teacher then you are well within your right to avoid her.

I am Nt.

I have been in a similar position before. The issue for me was that the equivalent of your music teacher was not who I thought she was. She was one of my longest friends but the qualities of what she showed that she had to do what she did did not fit with either what I wanted in a friend or how I thought she was. In the end we slowly became more distant and when we see each other now just say hi how are you etc but never make plans to meet up.

No one is asking you to be friends with the teacher. If you think the knowledge of her affair is making you feel awkward about offering extra support for music events then you should stop doing that , and possibly write her a note to explain why if you feel you must , though this is not necessary, just say you no longer have the time. If she is your child's teacher then maintain a parent /teacher relationship but it needs to go no further than that. The rest of it is none of your business. It is unfortunate that her private life has clashed with your private life but that is what happens sometimes.

Is the teacher also your friend or do you just know her as your child's teacher? If it's the latter, there's no need for you to give this any further thought. She's just doing her job.
Of course your loyalty is going to be with your friend. You aren't being duplicitous.

You have no idea what the teacher's side is in all this; you can't know what your friend's husband said, or did. I really don’t think it is any of your business. You can support your friend and continue to support your child's education - they don’t have to overlap.

In your position I would just say that I am fine but distance myself from her, not from the school. I would be bright and breezy and just let the friendship gradually cool off. I might think about slipping in to the conversation about how I had a nice holiday seeing my friend called xxxx so that maybe she would figure out that I knew but I hadn't told the secret but in reality I probably wouldn't.

You say you don't judge, but if so, why is this even an issue? You have no idea what went on between the teacher and your friend's DH- men who have affairs do tend to lie to both wife and girlfriend, you know. She is very probably heartbroken and feels stupid, and maybe, just maybe, you should think of supporting the two women you know that this man has fucked over.

I think you are over thinking it.
I don't think you should judge the teacher unless you have spoken to her and found out what was going on from her perspective.

BTW I am pretty sure I am not NT, three of my dc aren't.

I would try and be civil, pleasant and keep conversations child focused. I wouldn't volunteer for things that made me feel uncomfortable and would just say it doesn't work for me if anyone asked why not

for me the DH is the main person at fault
the affair is over
it is not your place to judge the teacher's behaviour
you only know your friend's perspective on all this

Not your circus, not your monkeys.