To go cold on a teacher I knew had an affair

[AutisticAuteur]

Me: early forties, my kids have autism, I probably do too. One thing in my past, is that I tend to treat people in a very straightforward way. So friends of mine would rip someone to shreds behind their back, but be nicey-nicey to their face. Muggins here wouldn't say much behind their back - but also may run cool to their face - and end up as the one labelled a bitch .

Which is why I wondered if MN hive brain could advise me if I was massively sabotaging myself in how I was handling this situation.

Over Christmas, my best friend opened up about her marriage troubles, and it turned out her husband had had an affair the year previously with my DS2s current class teacher. They ended up leaving the area, uprooting the kids and are now painfully trying to rebuild their lives.

She swore me to secrecy. No one knows apparently.

Now this teacher and I were quite buddy. She also taught DS1, and she's music co-ordinator at the school, which I've at various times supported as a parent volunteer (accompanying music group trips and such).

I've not said a word to her - kept the professional side going (ie any discussions relating to DS2 and such). I've not put myself forward for any volunteering opportunities since Christmas (some that I would have normally).

it feels really weird to have a this triangle going on. It's not even that I judge - but teacher has no idea of the friendship between me and my friend - and it seems incompatible to be having any manner of social relationship with them both.

I thought I'd been civil and normal throughout - but the other day the teacher tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if everything was OK. And done other little things which make me think she thinks she's pissed me off and is trying to 'win me round' (eg giving DS2 'star of the week' twice in January, and coming out to big up the (very minor ) achievement that earned it)

So - basically - is going visibly cool on this teacher shooting myself in the foot - because it puts awkwardness into DS2 School aspect - and because it was previously a strong link between me and the school? Or is this exactly how a neurotypical would also react - and just a crappy part of the 'rich tapestry of life'. It's really hard to not just blurt it out tbh!

And the autism comment is because I suspect i am handling the situation with a lack of social grace.

It's not quite as clean as 'stop helping teacher out' - because then I'm obviously then also kind of estranging myself from school life in general. Firstly, I'm not participating in the things I would have participated in before. Secondly, it feels implausible to have life stresses that stop me doing my usual thing with the music (something I have special skills in and am known to enjoy) - but then be super enthusiastic about (say) helping with sports day. And I've generally been a bit quieter I think.

In a way - I thought this was maybe the cue to get a job and stop hanging around the school so much! But I'm still interested if I'm reading/reacting to this wrong (and a lot of posters have given me interesting insights - although I'm still not clear how you compartmentalise - emotionally and practically)

You’re being somewhat disingenuous here.

You said that you don’t bitch about people behind their back, yet you allow the way others bitch about them behind their back to impact on the way you react to their face. It amounts to the same thing IMO.

It’s perfectly understandable not wanting to be nice to someone’s face and to then bitch about them behind their back, it’s not a pleasant trait, however if you are impacted by the bitching about people to the extent you then let it affect how you are to their face then you have as good as participated in the bitching iyswim.

And all of that being said, your relationship with the teacher is a professional one. The friend has taken steps to move on with her dh. She has moved on with her life as has he, yet she has sworn you to secrecy knowing that you would know this teacher and likely knowing you as she does, knowing the impact it has had on your reaction to said teacher. And all the while she is living her life with the man who was actually responsible for the affair while sewing the seed so you could be cold and distant towards the teacher.

Your friend doesn’t sound like a very nice person tbh. Added to which, you have no idea of the circumstances surrounding the affair, only that it happened. The rest is none of your business, and to be cold towards the teacher while maintaining a relationship with your friend and her husband you are playing right into your friend’s hands and shooting yourself in the foot into the bargain.

Also, this woman is your son’s teacher. Her private life is not your business.

You say you don't judge, but if so, why is this even an issue? You have no idea what went on between the teacher and your friend's DH- men who have affairs do tend to lie to both wife and girlfriend, you know. She is very probably heartbroken and feels stupid, and maybe, just maybe, you should think of supporting the two women you know that this man has fucked over

^this.

When you said that DS got "star of the week" for something minor, well do you think perhaps teacher thought it was a big achievement? Maybe she wanted to big him up for his own self confidence?

Does your son like the teacher? Does he enjoy being in her class? Is he learning well and being a good lad at school(with 2 recent stars, I presume he is)? If so, could you maybe ringfence your feelings for the sake of DS's happiness?

I would separate the two and treat her with the same warmth you showed before. Her personal life has nothing to do with her role as a teacher. You don't know why the affair happened, if she even knew he was married.

Also, you say that you’ve withdrawn from other school things because a teacher there had an affair? That’s completely unrealistic thinking. After all, lots of people have affairs, you just might not always know about them.

But what happens for instance if you go and work somewhere and find out that someone there had an affair, would you leave the company?

The fact here is that this teacher’s actions are impacting on your life because you’ve allowed them to. You need to take a serious step back because the fact is that people do all sorts of things in their private lives we might not approve of. But unless those actions impact on us personally or are illegal what professionals do in private really is none of our business.

^^ Nailed it Chaos.

I think the issue is that the teacher is trying to be pally with the OP and therein lies the awkwardness. I've never had friendships with my DDs' teachers so this wouldn't be a problem for me.

I'm curious about the teacher asking if you were ok, that isn't something a teacher would normally ask, and tapping you on the shoulder is something I would really object to.

Is there a chance that she already knows about your close friendship with her ex lover's DW? She might be feeling as awkward as you are.

Chaos 👏🏻.

Agree with Chaos. Also I find the idea that the teacher is trying to be friends with you a bit odd. Speaking as a teacher I definitely wouldn't want to establish a friendship with a parent of a child in my class. Are you sure you aren't misreading the situation? I have given star of the week twice to the same child before and it definitely wasn't an attempt to get chummy with their parents!

If you enjoy helping out in school and feel it benefits your children then keep doing it.

You don't need to be friends with the teacher. But there's no reason to be cool with her. Just say hello, ask what needs doing, do it then say 'have a nice evening/weekend' and go home.

If you feel the need, just say to your friend that you are only helping out for your kids. I'm sure she will know that already anyway.

Your creating unnessary drama OP when you dont need to. Its your friends husband that thats the dirty dog and non of it has anything to do with you.
I'd just be polite to the teacher and do what you want to regarding volunteering etc. Who she sleeps with married/ not married, animal or vegetable is her business end of story.
Keep out of it and concentrate on your child. its your friends problem not yours.

She being pally with me in the sense of grooming me to take on more music helper jobs iyswim. And part of that seems to be oversharing. I don't want to be actual friends with her, but it had been quietly ticking along as a growing relationship along the line of colleagues iyswim - but since I'm unpaid - presumably she made an extra effort to be friendly - if that makes sense?

I don’t think you are autistic or even have aspergers, really. Many people with even mild forms are plain speaking yes but would not really be able to ‘amp up’ (or down) friendship or a friendly demeaner as you’ve just said in your last post.

My guess is you’re just fairly easily influenced / led. Many people are and there’s nothing wrong with it per se, but you need to actively be aware of this and stop yourself from reacting. This might mean getting rid of or lowering contact your current friend circle, and searching out people who don’t bitch behind others’ backs or use you as an emotional crutch. Frankly none of this is your business.

I don't think the teacher herself is particularly good with the old social skills - hence very messy boundary blurring with the affair, handling me rather over-familiarly, and other things.

If you spend a lot of time helping out in a school then it stands to reason that you will come to know individuals there on a personal level. What do you mean by over familliar?

Like telling me stuff about her own kids unprompted and such like

And telling me she liked my trousers

( in the context of how nice I looked inside my trousers after losing DS3 babyweight. Really not a conversation I expect to have with my child's teacher )

Also, being familiar/friendly doesn’t equal wanting to be friends, it equals being a personable individual. Do you socialise with this woman outside of school? Has she asked you to? No? Then you’re not friends and neither is she trying to be. And actually even if she was, given you spend a lot of time helping out in her class/the school is that really wrong?

It seems clear that you’re mis-interpreting a lot of signals here and reading something into them that you want to read.

It’s also worth noting that talking about how someone is a bit bad at “the old social skills” and is “grooming me for more things,” is bitching on a spectacular level.

Actually I think it was really manipulative of your friend to tell you this and to swear you to secrecy. I think she was aware of your good relationship with the teacher and has set out to punish her by destroying your opinion of her.

I am absolutely no supporter of an OW - my own childhood was ripped apart when my Dad left for OW. Having said that, you have no idea if this is true, and even if true, what BS your friend's husband told her.

I think you need to try to take a step back, and recognise that you may not have the full story, and should continue to be the same as normal with the teacher. Out of interest, was their child a pupil of the teacher at the time?

I must say though - I heard a story about DD's drama teacher having sex with a father of one of her pupils, in a toilet, and I really never quite felt the same about her.

I do think your friend put you in a very difficult position, telling you who her DH had an affair with, she really shouldn't have done that. But you need to move on from this now. She does seem to be over familiar with you, in a way that would make me feel very uncomfortable. Just move the subject back to professional matters and don't engage.

And telling me she liked my trousers shoot the woman now for being friendly.

Bloody hell. you’re not coming across at all well here OP, sorry. The woman is being friendly. You spend time in her class. How dare she talk to you....

chaos I wouldn't say that IRL - but it describes the person - and it describes what our relationship is.

Not friendship, not colleagues, but more intense than parent:teacher .

And I really don't want anyone at my kids school of either gender obliquely commenting on my arse! I mean - it's not a biggy - just a stupid thing to say - but it illustrates that I think she herself is a bit socially off-beat - which might be making it harder for me to find the right professional distance.

starting to feel sorry for the teacher actually.

She sounds pleasant.

You don't know the full story so back off, is my advice.

You are misinterpreting the signals here, I think. It's very possible to be chatty with a parent of a child, without wanting to be friends. Some people are just more gregarious.

I know that other teachers in the school have mentioned their own children to parents in casual conversation at the classroom door. The other week a parent told me she liked my top. It's just chitchat, we aren't friends. Your comments about her social skills aren't needed and do come across as bitchy.

Your friend's husband is at fault, if you're going to be pissed at anyone it should be him. You don't know what he said to that teacher (cos guess what - you aren't her friend) and you have no idea what her reaction has been to all this. There's a reason you only hear mundane things about children and clothes from her.