To go cold on a teacher I knew had an affair

[AutisticAuteur]

Me: early forties, my kids have autism, I probably do too. One thing in my past, is that I tend to treat people in a very straightforward way. So friends of mine would rip someone to shreds behind their back, but be nicey-nicey to their face. Muggins here wouldn't say much behind their back - but also may run cool to their face - and end up as the one labelled a bitch .

Which is why I wondered if MN hive brain could advise me if I was massively sabotaging myself in how I was handling this situation.

Over Christmas, my best friend opened up about her marriage troubles, and it turned out her husband had had an affair the year previously with my DS2s current class teacher. They ended up leaving the area, uprooting the kids and are now painfully trying to rebuild their lives.

She swore me to secrecy. No one knows apparently.

Now this teacher and I were quite buddy. She also taught DS1, and she's music co-ordinator at the school, which I've at various times supported as a parent volunteer (accompanying music group trips and such).

I've not said a word to her - kept the professional side going (ie any discussions relating to DS2 and such). I've not put myself forward for any volunteering opportunities since Christmas (some that I would have normally).

it feels really weird to have a this triangle going on. It's not even that I judge - but teacher has no idea of the friendship between me and my friend - and it seems incompatible to be having any manner of social relationship with them both.

I thought I'd been civil and normal throughout - but the other day the teacher tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if everything was OK. And done other little things which make me think she thinks she's pissed me off and is trying to 'win me round' (eg giving DS2 'star of the week' twice in January, and coming out to big up the (very minor ) achievement that earned it)

So - basically - is going visibly cool on this teacher shooting myself in the foot - because it puts awkwardness into DS2 School aspect - and because it was previously a strong link between me and the school? Or is this exactly how a neurotypical would also react - and just a crappy part of the 'rich tapestry of life'. It's really hard to not just blurt it out tbh!

I’m not crying out burn her at the stake. But if some colleague or acquaintance was shagging my best mates wife behind his back I certainly wouldn’t be smiling and laughing and joking with the bloke. I thought that would be the default response but many disagree

I know some people make strong moral judgements but it wouldn’t be a big issue for me per se to find out someone had once had an affair. However it’s totally different if it’s with a partner of one of your own friends. The wife would feel absolute shit if her pals just carried on as normal and continued to be uber friendly with the teacher. Well they wouldn’t be friends for much longer if they did this

It sounds like it's this that you're most worried about this aspect "I also think that if I carried on on this trajectory of having a lot of extra stuff to do with the teacher that at some point in the future she might feel also massively weirded out to the point of betrayed/violated if she realised I wasn't quite what I seemed (ie that I knew, and that I had primary loyalty to the wronged wife)."

And I totally get that.

But honestly, I can't understand how the teacher won't already know that you're best friends with the wronged wife, unless you've only known the teacher since the affair finished and they moved away.

Your friend's DH might have mentioned you to the teacher at some point, especially given your children go to the school she teaches at.

Or she could have seen pics of you with your friend on social media.

Or your son could have mentioned your friend's DCs.

It's such a small world it seems very unlikely that the connection between the four of you wouldn't have come into her awareness by now.

I wouldn't be able to be pally and friendly with someone who had slept with my best friend's husband.

I would be able to be polite, but only in a distant way.

I agree Trills, how would you act with the husband though?

Good point - if I had to spend much time with the husband and had previously been friendly, he's probably pick up that something was off and guess that I knew.

(if we were not previously friendly then maybe he wouldn't notice)

Hmm difficult one! If she was just a friend you could 'do the fade' on her, but she's your DS's teacher and you don't want to risk him being stuck in the middle of any awkwardness between you and his teacher. I actually think you're doing the right thing already - trying to spend as little time as possible with this woman, but maintaining a professional facade. I think you'll just have to treat her like a colleague who you don't much like - i.e. professional and polite, but that's all.

It's harder to avoid the husband though. The OP probably is disgusted by his actions, but her friend has chosen to stay with him, so she has to find a way to tolerate him. The teacher at the school is another matter, she doesn't have to be all pally with her.

I guess as best friend she's had to be a shoulder to cry on many times so seeing the OW, who played a part in what happened, every day is a challenge.

If the OW was a knowing OW to my bf then no I agree she would get iciness from me but can't help that feel the husbands get off lightly and are far less judged especially by women. When he probably instigated it, lied and all sorts. Didn't give a shit himself that it was an environment involving his child. Couldn't stay married to a wankstain like that tbh.

I have some friend where I see their partners a lot and some where I see them very rarely, so avoiding the husband may be easier than avoiding your child's teacher, especially if you've previously been friendly with the teacher.

Seer she definitely doesn't know the link right now - the timeline of the affair and the fact that my friend is never at school (and doesn't do social media). My friend really doesn't want the teacher to know the link. Thinks it will destabilise the whole situation - for me and for my friend. In fact - the whole reason she told me was because she kept confusingly freaking out about me making perfectly benign offers, like taking her kids along to a music event with mine.

However - the kids blurting something out is a definite possibility - hence why I assume she'll realise the link eventually. In fact - they have already talked about my friend DC in teacher earshot - it was just luck that my friend DC have very common names!

I think if you have a professional relationship with someone you should judge them in that situation. Is she a good teacher, is your child doing well? If so then I think you need to recognise that, you don't need to be her friend.

I get there are 2 sides to a story & the husband is at fault here for cheating & you don’t know all the facts... but its human nature if someone contributes to the upset of a close friend then you would automatically feel some dislike towards that person. Or maybe that’s just my human nature!

I wouldn’t jeopardise the relationship with the school for the sake of your children really, so continue being civil & polite but if it doesn’t feel right to you to be really friendly then you don’t have to be.

I do wonder why your friend told you her name though (well I don’t ive had friends whose husbands have had an affair & I know their names) but I mean I assume your friend knows you have a relationship with the teacher?

OP, you asked how to compartmentalise. Taking a step back and looking at the big picture might help. Maintaining the status quo serves everybody in this scenario, your priority is your children and by keeping an even keel with the teacher you’re helping keep things normal for everyone. Which is in everyone’s interests including yours.

If at any point it comes out about the link you can be honest and say you were sworn to secrecy and you wanted to keep things normal even if you were initially withdrawn whilst you processed the information. It might get awkward but you’ll have to cross that bridge if and when you come to it. Until then aim to put your feelings aside and resume the volunteering. Your fear of it all becoming awkward if/when she finds out about the link is making things awkward. It will be less awkward if she finds out after you’ve made an effort to keep things normal as that will show her that you’re not judging her.

It could just be that you are judgemental about these things.

Teachers have not taken holy orders, yet some people think that they should behave like saints.
Does it affect her teaching? Doubt it.

No, it's nothing to do with being judgmental. The OP is simply overthinking this. The teacher had an affair with the OP's best friend's DH, it's not about the morality or otherwise of having affairs, or gossip. She might even be worrying about being disloyal to her friend by being friendly with the teacher.

I guess it could be awkward if the teacher finds out that the OP was best friends with her ex lover's wife. But there's no point in worrying about something that might never happen.

I really think the friend has created this problem by telling the OP about the affair with the teacher. I know she was hurting but she should have confided in another friend.

Try to stay away from the teacher as much as possible -just treat her like any teacher. It must be incredibly hard for your friend and your loyalty lies there. Don't give the 'mistress' a moments thought as she doesn't deserve your time spent worrying about her and the consequences of knowing your friend.

Can't help wondering how you interact with your friend's husband. He is a scumbag of the first order.
Allowing your relationship with the teacher to deteriorate to the point she is aware may affect your child. You need to think about that.

Say nothing. Carry on as usual. It's not your issue.

I feel for you OP and don't blame you for finding this hard. You just mentioned a few posts ago that your friend was worried about the link - I don't know if you had mentioned that before - and the fact the DC might say something. That makes it trickier. I would say, though, that given she's your DC teacher and you really enjoy the music thing, then if you can, continue to be involved to some extent. I can totally see it would be hard to have chummy conversations with the teacher but we don't know what went on, so in some ways it might not be fair to back away completely. You probably don't want to be mates with your DC's teacher anyway - I think that's not a good idea.

I don't know if I am NT. I certainly find social things really hard and would probably be the same about you as this. Have you discussed this with DP if you have one? Or did friend ask you not to?

Anyway, my thought would be try to keep some
Involvement, be kind but not to be too close. Hope it works out OK.

I think most people would feel awkward in this situation, wouldn't they? I would. There's nothing wrong with backing off from the friendship but if you can stay warm rather than going cold it will make things easier for everyone especially your dc. I would just quietly back off a bit, until I felt more comfortable. You have no reason to go cold on her because you don't know the whole story; she might be no more to blame than your friend. But you do have the right to choose your own friendships. People drift apart all the time; it doesn't have to be a big deal.

I would find this situation difficult. I am quite an open person and don't like undercurrents like this. I would keep a little more distance. Wouldn't be madly happy about my child being taught by them and I'd be glad when the year was over (you know the children would be really shocked if they knew). I might continue helping out, the more good role models they have the better. I might help with activities outside the classroom (cooking/reading).