To go cold on a teacher I knew had an affair

[AutisticAuteur]

Me: early forties, my kids have autism, I probably do too. One thing in my past, is that I tend to treat people in a very straightforward way. So friends of mine would rip someone to shreds behind their back, but be nicey-nicey to their face. Muggins here wouldn't say much behind their back - but also may run cool to their face - and end up as the one labelled a bitch .

Which is why I wondered if MN hive brain could advise me if I was massively sabotaging myself in how I was handling this situation.

Over Christmas, my best friend opened up about her marriage troubles, and it turned out her husband had had an affair the year previously with my DS2s current class teacher. They ended up leaving the area, uprooting the kids and are now painfully trying to rebuild their lives.

She swore me to secrecy. No one knows apparently.

Now this teacher and I were quite buddy. She also taught DS1, and she's music co-ordinator at the school, which I've at various times supported as a parent volunteer (accompanying music group trips and such).

I've not said a word to her - kept the professional side going (ie any discussions relating to DS2 and such). I've not put myself forward for any volunteering opportunities since Christmas (some that I would have normally).

it feels really weird to have a this triangle going on. It's not even that I judge - but teacher has no idea of the friendship between me and my friend - and it seems incompatible to be having any manner of social relationship with them both.

I thought I'd been civil and normal throughout - but the other day the teacher tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if everything was OK. And done other little things which make me think she thinks she's pissed me off and is trying to 'win me round' (eg giving DS2 'star of the week' twice in January, and coming out to big up the (very minor ) achievement that earned it)

So - basically - is going visibly cool on this teacher shooting myself in the foot - because it puts awkwardness into DS2 School aspect - and because it was previously a strong link between me and the school? Or is this exactly how a neurotypical would also react - and just a crappy part of the 'rich tapestry of life'. It's really hard to not just blurt it out tbh!

I would do the same to anyone who did that. Not autistic but I am a bit of a bitch. At least I'm not two faced though.

I think people here are being harsh - i’m NT and I’d feel the same as you. I think it’s pretty normal to feel cold towards someone who’s actions hurt your friend badly. For those who say she should consider the teacher’s side...come on! She had an affair with a married man! I’d feel really weird about it too, OP.

I know it is hard, but try not to overthink it.

Be a friend to your friend and a parent to this teacher. Your child comes before either of these women.

I don’t agree with others. I believe this woman knew actually what she was doing, he had a child at that school? She is still accountable even if she has a vagina.

However that’s not your business. Be friendly and if you see her dash off and say you are busy or have an appointment, blow dry booked, family waiting.

Some harsh people on here to the op. Autism isn’t easy and is a battle

@AutisticAuteur yes, going visibly cool on this teacher is shooting yourself in the foot. But maybe it is also exactly how a neurotypical person might act!

An awkward situation but to be fair you don't need to be involved in this really. "...it feels really weird to have a this triangle going on." But it's not going on, the affair is over now, isn't it?

And as @silvousplaitmerci "When you refer to the "triangle" are you including yourself in this? If you are then stop. It's nothing to do with you."

"She swore me to secrecy. No one knows apparently." I think your top priority here it to respect your friend's privacy and not do anything to bring about a confrontation where this could come out.

I don't think this means lying or pretending to like the teacher, I think it just means being normal around her. I doubt if your normal stance around other teachers would be to be cool, so I would tone down the cool, smile, be polite and just tell her all is OK, or you've had a lot on your mind (true) or whatever else might be legitimately contributing to any negative feelings (bad weather, post Christmas blues etc). That's what I would do.

I think your reactions are similar to anyone put in your position, asd or not.

I would feel uncomfortable but try to maintain a semi friendly relationship with the teacher, even if it’s just for your DS sake. Blurting our you know the truth won’t help anyone and only make things worse.

It’s possible your friends DH lied to the teacher and she was unaware he was married?

I wouldn't waste time wondering if the teacher knew the man was married or who was more responsible. At this point, it's clear she knows he was married anyway.
I'm NT and I would go cold on a teacher if I was in your situation.It's not primarily a moral judgement (although I would be making one and I make no apology for that) but, as you say, the disparity of information.
I'd mention that you're too busy to get involved with music trips and just gradually let the friendship drop.
Yy it will be awkward but that's what happens when people have affairs. The ripples touch lots of lives and it's never in a positive way.

Get over yourself, it's nothing to do with you and I am not sure why you're making it your issue.

I have two children with autism by the way, one a teenager and I'd say the same to them.

Have you gone cold with your friends dh too? (genuinely curious).

I'm almost certainly autistic too, although I haven't sought a diagnosis. But all the training I had for my first autistic child was revelatory to me. All these things ...

Anyway, I get what you are saying about being duplicitous. I completely agree with you. I'd have real problems faking professionalism with someone who had done something like that to my friend. If I think people have behaved badly (I don't mean shouting at their child in public once, or getting pissed at a Christmas party) I really struggle to see them in the same light. I don't think you are being a nosy cow at all. BUT everyone else is right when they say you are not part of the triangle. I always feel completely compromised and find it hard to remove myself from this sort of 'triangle' but you do need to find a way of removing yourself from the story.
Have some autistic .

As far as I know, I'm not autistic but I would have the same issues you are having with this woman!
I would also feel that it was slightly disloyal to my friend to continue to be "buddy" with the teacher, and my opinion of the teacher herself would be somewhat lowered because of her having the affair, even though it was the husband who was by far the most in the wrong - but I guess that would depend on whether or not the teacher knew he was married. If she did, then my good opinion would reduce a lot more. If she didn't know, well then I suppose I'd feel a bit sorry for her but my loyalty would still be to my friend and I would still withdraw from the teacher as a result.

I don't think you should say anything at all to her unless she asks you outright but even then I'd try and avoid mentioning the situation with your friend.

Incidentally, this is not so rare as you might imagine! I had a vaguely similar situation. But basically, they are all adults, I don't know who has asked for forgiveness or gotten it, I don't know if the end of what happens has actually been better for some or all of the people in the situation (the original couple did not stay together), and at the end of the day the relationship with the other person is a professional one, not a personal one.

If the other person were a friend, you've be quite entitled to drop the friendship or phase them out, but the teacher is employed to teach your son and this doesn't affect that, IMHO.

"And it does feel disloyal to my friend to be effectively giving this teacher a professional leg up by continuing my fullsome support of the music - when my friend had to quit work as a result of the move and is having to mop up a world of shit with her family and DC."

I can see your point and you are a very moral person, and a good friend, But I still think you are shooting yourself in the foot by not volunteering but it's your fixed idea about knowledge and secrets etc which is affecting this. And that may well be part of the autism. But I do believe you can challenge these beliefs, think it through and, if you wish to, make peace with it and resume your voluntary work.

Your friend had every right to share what happened to her with you.

That first paragraph is talking about my situation with a professional who had an affair, not yours.

Your problem in this is not that you are autistic, it's that you are judgmental. You don't know whether what your friend has said is even correct, you've just taken it at face value and been cool to this teacher.

The simple fact if it is, this is none of your business. You have only heard one side of it, which may not even be accurate, you haven't bothered to check. Even if it there is some truth in it, there may well be much more to it than your friend is able to say. You have only heard one perspective, there will be more to it than that.

It reads like you want to judge and punish this teacher because you want to take sides in matters which are not for you to judge. You're behaving like a teenager.

You need to not let it bother you - it's not your business.

Since you ask, as a NT person this wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I'm not wildly judgmental, and I also find it easy to compartmentalize my life.
In the great scheme of things it's really nothing to do with you, and I don't mean that harshly. Just don't give it any head-space?

Don't know what you mean about secrets coming out to be honest...

What if she makes another comment (are you all right? Sort of comment) that you simply tell her that all's fine but your best friend is X? She'll know exactly where you're coming from then. You can add "let's keep it between us and no more discussion".

I couldn't be friendly to somebody who had been partly responsible for ruining my friend's life. I would be civil and polite, but that's it.

Tough one. I think I’d be ‘cool’ towards anyone who had significantly hurt my best friend. But that would mean I’d be positively icy towards her husband.

You need to let your friend and her DH sweep their side of the street.
And the teacher needs to sweep hers.
You're not part of the equation. Being told the details does not make you part of the problem or solution.

This isn't about you.
All you need to do is take your kids to school and help them excel as best they can. The school playground is for the kids, not the parents. Shame on your friend's husband for bringing such humiliation and disruption to his kids' and wife's lives. But that's their shit. Sorry. But it is. If it wasn't the teacher, it was going to be some other woman. The teacher was astronomically stupid to have had a fling with a school parent. But the human heart makes fools of us all. Her mistake is an epic one and I am sure the fallout has been as enormous for her. From my own experience of this (parent/teacher affair when DS1 was small), the family moved away. The teacher left the school the following September. I would be surprised if this teacher stayed, affair or not. Teachers come and go so quickly these days.

Keep quiet and stay out of it. It's none of your business. 'The truth will out in the end' comment is odd. Are you implying everyone at the school needs to know about the affair? She doesn't need to be named and shamed by you. The important people know what's happend. Please keep it to yourself, you only know one side of the story

??? The OP has not said anything about naming and shaming or betraying anyone’s confidence.

She just wants to know if it is ‘normal’ to feel discomfort maintaining a good relationship with the teacher when she feels this good relationship is tainted by her knowledge.

There seems to be a split here between people who feel as she does and people who wouldn’t let it affect their relationship.

No need to read endless connotations into the situation.

I would think less of someone who had an affair.

I couldn't be friendly to somebody who had been partly responsible for ruining my friend's life. I would be civil and polite, but that's it.

^I agree. Your loyalty is to your friend who is the innocent party in this.

I totally won't say anything.

My friend very much wants to for no one to know - because then it makes her sacrifice moving away pointless (and the DH knew the teacher in a professional capacity through the teachers child - so it would likely impact on him and hence the whole family financial well-being).

'Secrets will out" was not meant as a threat
. It just reflects my world view that it is not a good idea to rely on secrets staying secret. It is actually meant respectfully to the teacher - because I imagine she would be much cooler to me herself if she had any idea that I was so close to my friend - and that the situation would look utterly bizarre from the outside.

And I'm totally not judging. The situation is extraordinarily toxic for everyone - and I think real feelings were involved on all sides.

And also not trying to 'punish' the teacher. Just my questionable social skills turns into a flat panic and almost literally reversing away whenever she looks like she's going to stroll up to engage me in chummy chit chat or to ask for my help with something. Which maybe I haven't hidden as well as I thought I had. And maybe I should consciously override by trying to amp up the friendliness to her again ( against my natural reaction).