To go cold on a teacher I knew had an affair

[AutisticAuteur]

Me: early forties, my kids have autism, I probably do too. One thing in my past, is that I tend to treat people in a very straightforward way. So friends of mine would rip someone to shreds behind their back, but be nicey-nicey to their face. Muggins here wouldn't say much behind their back - but also may run cool to their face - and end up as the one labelled a bitch .

Which is why I wondered if MN hive brain could advise me if I was massively sabotaging myself in how I was handling this situation.

Over Christmas, my best friend opened up about her marriage troubles, and it turned out her husband had had an affair the year previously with my DS2s current class teacher. They ended up leaving the area, uprooting the kids and are now painfully trying to rebuild their lives.

She swore me to secrecy. No one knows apparently.

Now this teacher and I were quite buddy. She also taught DS1, and she's music co-ordinator at the school, which I've at various times supported as a parent volunteer (accompanying music group trips and such).

I've not said a word to her - kept the professional side going (ie any discussions relating to DS2 and such). I've not put myself forward for any volunteering opportunities since Christmas (some that I would have normally).

it feels really weird to have a this triangle going on. It's not even that I judge - but teacher has no idea of the friendship between me and my friend - and it seems incompatible to be having any manner of social relationship with them both.

I thought I'd been civil and normal throughout - but the other day the teacher tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if everything was OK. And done other little things which make me think she thinks she's pissed me off and is trying to 'win me round' (eg giving DS2 'star of the week' twice in January, and coming out to big up the (very minor ) achievement that earned it)

So - basically - is going visibly cool on this teacher shooting myself in the foot - because it puts awkwardness into DS2 School aspect - and because it was previously a strong link between me and the school? Or is this exactly how a neurotypical would also react - and just a crappy part of the 'rich tapestry of life'. It's really hard to not just blurt it out tbh!

Tbf, the OP sounds like she'd like to back off, it's the teacher who is trying to be friendly with her. Just practise maintaining a professional distance, OP. The only thing that matters as far as you're concerned is maintaining a cordial relationship with your DD's teacher.

From reading further comments she just sounds like a pleasant person and you are taking this completely the wrong way. You come across really badly and you need to revisit how you view boundaries.

I chat to my hairdresser, to shop assistants, to my neighbours. None of us are friends.

The OP isn’t obliged to talk to the teacher in any way shape or form if she doesn’t want to.

But saying she lacks social skills for daring to be a human being who god forbid isn’t chained to her desk and actually has the ability for being friendly is just the OP being bitchy.

I never said we were friends!

I'm just asking how to navigate this correctly.

Fried of course you can be autistic and play-act a social role - like turning the 'friendly' up! It's a massive 'thing' with girls on the spectrum. Directly copying social behaviour they've seen without really understanding it.

If I need to find a shiny smile, and make sure I pick up a few music jobs in February so that I'm not being 'off' then I will. I feel massively uncomfortable about it all right now - but fundamentally I'm in this for my childre

You just carry on as normal.

We probably all know someone in a “OMG apparently he/she did in their past,” type of way. It doesn’t mean that we need to judge them and change our own behaviours accordingly though. Especially when we don’t know the whole story and said story has come to us via someone who obviously wants to stir as your friend does.

I know people who have had affairs and been OW but who I like as people. What they did in their past doesn’t affect me.

I equally know people who have been OW and had affairs in their past who I didn’t like as people. The fact I know what they did probably does add to my dislike but the dislike was already there iyswim. Therein lies the difference.

Honestly, it sounds like you and the teacher have a friendly professional relationship.

I had a parent help out on a residential we ran last year. Thr parent volunteer joined staff for food and coffee breaks ans we chatted about life and stuff. It's fairly basic 'treat volunteers as your equals, include them and don't be a dickhead' part of working with parents. I would be a bit if that parent thought we were friends because of it.

You aren't involved in a triangle.

Your friend's husband had an affair.

She disclosed it to you as friends.

She has asked you not to speak of it further.

Let it be and continue as normal with everyone.

You're overthinking this massively, OP, and this is because you don't like this teacher because you see her as someone who played a part in hurting your best friend. You need to see her as just your DD's teacher and put the other stuff out of your mind. It really doesn't affect you at all, does it??

And FWIW I would think less of someone who was rebuilding her life with her DH while stirring it about the OW than I would of the OW herself. It’s incredibly manipulative and would make me wonder whether there was more to the DH having had an affair and whether her behaviour was a part of it. Not that he wasn’t in the wrong but because affairs are often less than black and white.

But if she is moving on with the betrayer and allowing the betrayer to move on with her while shrouded in secrecy, then the OW is no longer her business either.

It's none of your business.
If it was your business, it's not this woman's fault. It's the husbands.

If women stopped blaming each other for men's transgressions, then maybe men would start taking responsibility for their own behaviour instead of relying on a culture that decrees that they are so full of sperm and testosterone that they just can't help themselves if a woman shows the vaguest interest in them.

It must be great being a man in that context - knowing that you can just make up some shit about how this woman kept chasing you and that your wife will quite clearly understand how you are a poor little lamb who must be forgiven because you had no chance to resist the lure of the evil woman.

imagine if the whole of society ran like that.

Judge: Mr Burglar you shall go free because I completely understand how you could be tempted by this luxury home with no alarm. On the other hand, YOU luxury home owner shall be ostracised from society for deigning to offer goods to Mr Burglar.

I think it best that you step back from this and behave as cordially as possible, with your child’s teacher. I was diagnosed 3 weeks ago as having Aspergers. I too am black and white or as my mum would say “your face tells exactly how you’re feeling; there’s no ambiguity, no disguise”.

I know how it is for you OP but it not your job to judge this woman.

It's nothing at all to do with you, just forget about it.

I think yanbu. I thought it was going to be a thread about being judgemental about a random affair and was going to say yabu but since it is your friend who's been affected it's only natural you will feel a bit less inclined towards the teacher.
You would be unreasonable to be rude to her but volunteering for trips etc is entirely up to you. If your dc want you to go then go but if you don't fancy it that's also ok.

Personally, I think I would feel the same as you. However, I would try really hard not to judge and to remain neutral and uninvolved because you don't know the full story. This teacher may have made a huge mistake and could still feel guilty for it everyday. I don't think anyone should have the mistakes of their past held against them.

Baboon to be really clear - I'm really really not coming at this from a position of judgement.

I'm just massively (and apparently visibly) weirded out by the situation.

I also think that if I carried on on this trajectory of having a lot of extra stuff to do with the teacher that at some point in the future she might feel also massively weirded out to the point of betrayed/violated if she realised I wasn't quite what I seemed (ie that I knew, and that I had primary loyalty to the wronged wife).

Even if I never speak to my friend about her - wouldn't you just assume you had been extensively discussed if you were in the position the teacher is....? .... and the more little private nuggets of information I let her tell me, the more exposed she'd feel when she made the connection.... ?

I think some people on here are being unfair to you.

There are many situations when you might find out something new about someone you know and quite like in a professional setting that makes you think less/differently of them, and so want to step back from being friendly and keep things professional.

I also think it's ok to judge someone based on the information you have about them and the things they have chosen to do in the past, even if the things they have done don't effect you at all.

You don't want to be friendly with this person, you don't need to be, you need to be polite and professional. that's all. It's ok.

... but I do like doing the extra stuff, it benefits my kids, and I like the teacher in herself & respect her as a teacher ....

.... honestly - I'm trying to conduct myself honourably in a steaming dung pile of a situation....

OP I see ChaosNeverRains is leaving the thread but I do find their views very odd so I would not take them to heart!

BerylStreep you've kind of scuppered your own argument here!

Friedgreen. "My guess is you’re just fairly easily influenced / led."

I'd say OP you are the exact opposite of easily led. You know your own mind, you're not comfortable with this situation and you wanted to gauge as standard that response is.

Just because you've heard about a situation, doesn't mean you're part of it. Stop over analysing, it's not for you to analyse.

I think theres something wrong OP for you to create such a huge drama out of someone elses problem. I think you would be better off getting some psychological support yourself really.
Its not a dung pile of a situation at all, its you thats blowing things up out of all proportion.

Chaos " ...and said story has come to us via someone who obviously wants to stir as your friend does" now shops bitching!

And it is clear you don't think as the OP does - you've said as much, it's coming across a it doesn't matter what other's do as long as it doesn't affect you. But we are not all like that.

The following is what I'm worried about - and that no one has really addressed.

Wind forward 2 years from now with me not adjusting my behaviour at all for this info.

Suppose I regularly see the teacher as part of being music helper, and naturally chat to her about her life and stuff - as I agree is pretty normal for this kind of thing.

She then realises that I am in close regular contact with my friend.

Is that not totally panic making for her ?

Like - she thought she'd kicked the scumbag DH out of her life - and then she found out his wife had a 'mole' who was enmeshed in her (the teachers) work life the whole time...

Me - in the teachers shoes - I'd be really upset.

OP lots of pepple have said they would have similar responses, so I think there is nothing wrong in what you feel. Many people have described on Mumsnet the aftermath of an affair. And it does seem to pretty much be a shit storm. So you are not writ there.

I think talking about real things that happen to us is not the same as bitching.

Nothing wrong on a frirnd confiding. I'm another friend.

It's possible the teach as the other woman didn't know he was married and of so then of course that changes some things. But maybe she did know, maybe wife knows she knew and told OP, maybe we are the only ones who don't know!

OP your main concern seems to be not judging this woman but rather the fear you will volunteer, become more friendly (if not actual friends).and she will feel betrayed when she realizes you know your friend.

If this is truly the only issue maybe when she asks next 'Is verything ok?' Just say something like "It's just my best friend, (name of friend and surname) has moved away and I miss her, that's all."

If the teacher has common sense she will know you know but she will also know you are not accusing her/wanting to discuss it.

She may in turn be cool to you. But at least it would ensure you could continue to volunteer and not worry about her disclosing things to you.

And draw a line under it.

OP you will see by the closeness of our posts that I didn't have a chance to read your post, yet I hope what wrote is at least one possibility to answer it. This is because you have frequently clearly articulated your fear in this. It has been clear your aim was not to judge.

Without meaning to sound awful, I think you're overestimating your role in this teacher's life.
You're a parent on speaking terms, not friends. She comes across dozens of other parents on a daily basis and will encounter many more once your DC has moved classes.
I doubt she would care very much to know who you are friends with, even less so in several years' time.

italian it’s not for you to tell anyone to ignore someone’s posts just because you don’t agree with them. .

If the OP had posted that she thinks less of someone because she found out they had had an affair with her friend’s husband that would be one thing. It’s not her business but to a degree understandable that she might think less of this woman, even if the friend has taken her husband back, is rebuilding her marriage with him (who is the one who made the vows) and has left this news in the hands of her friend who she knows sees things in black and white

But the OP has said that this revelation from her friend has caused her to step back from other school related events, something which has nothing to do with the OW but has everything to do with the OP putting her own life on hold because of something which doesn’t concern her, and has then gone on to state that she believes the teacher is lacking in social skills because she makes small talk. Something which definitely is bitching. If the OP had posted that it was inappropriate for the teacher to be making small talk without the added information that she had had an affair with her friend she would be unanimously told that she was overreacting.

And the reality is that nobody knows the whole story here. Nobody knows what the husband told the teacher, nobody knows what the state of the friend’s marriage was in, nobody knows what the teacher did and how much regret she might be feeling.

And meanwhile the husband is moving forward with the blessing of the woman he betrayed while the teacher is being held accountable for his behaviour.