To go cold on a teacher I knew had an affair

[AutisticAuteur]

Me: early forties, my kids have autism, I probably do too. One thing in my past, is that I tend to treat people in a very straightforward way. So friends of mine would rip someone to shreds behind their back, but be nicey-nicey to their face. Muggins here wouldn't say much behind their back - but also may run cool to their face - and end up as the one labelled a bitch .

Which is why I wondered if MN hive brain could advise me if I was massively sabotaging myself in how I was handling this situation.

Over Christmas, my best friend opened up about her marriage troubles, and it turned out her husband had had an affair the year previously with my DS2s current class teacher. They ended up leaving the area, uprooting the kids and are now painfully trying to rebuild their lives.

She swore me to secrecy. No one knows apparently.

Now this teacher and I were quite buddy. She also taught DS1, and she's music co-ordinator at the school, which I've at various times supported as a parent volunteer (accompanying music group trips and such).

I've not said a word to her - kept the professional side going (ie any discussions relating to DS2 and such). I've not put myself forward for any volunteering opportunities since Christmas (some that I would have normally).

it feels really weird to have a this triangle going on. It's not even that I judge - but teacher has no idea of the friendship between me and my friend - and it seems incompatible to be having any manner of social relationship with them both.

I thought I'd been civil and normal throughout - but the other day the teacher tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if everything was OK. And done other little things which make me think she thinks she's pissed me off and is trying to 'win me round' (eg giving DS2 'star of the week' twice in January, and coming out to big up the (very minor ) achievement that earned it)

So - basically - is going visibly cool on this teacher shooting myself in the foot - because it puts awkwardness into DS2 School aspect - and because it was previously a strong link between me and the school? Or is this exactly how a neurotypical would also react - and just a crappy part of the 'rich tapestry of life'. It's really hard to not just blurt it out tbh!

OP, tbh I think saying nothing would stand you in better stead than saying anything.

If you tell her that you are x’s friend she will think that you want her to know iyswim, in a “I’m watching you,” sort of way.

If however in two years time she finds out (how would she find out btw?* she may possibly even have respect for the fact that you knew and said nothing - didn’t choose to get involved.

She then realises that I am in close regular contact with my friend.

Is that not totally panic making for her ?

Like - she thought she'd kicked the scumbag DH out of her life - and then she found out his wife had a 'mole' who was enmeshed in her (the teachers) work life the whole time...

Looking at it as a teacher...no. There are lots of parents I chat to, and I appreciate their support in the school very much. But we aren't friends. I regard those that help in the school as very different to staff, and I don't talk to them in the same way as I do other staff. They're parents, at the end of the day.

I might be a bit surprised to find out they were friends of the woman whose husband cheated (and possibly lied to me about - who knows?) and I'd wonder if the other woman had talked about me. But it's not like I would be losing a friendship, just a professional relationship changing. It's a bit awkward sure, but it's not life changing stuff (between you two!).

I also think you're making a bit much out of this friendship with the teacher. If you don't see someone outside of a work context or if you do it's only at work events you aren't actually friends.

greyhound thank you

Raven it's not me that I think is a big deal for the teacher - it's the DH.

So the point would be that me staying involved in her (albeit) professional life, by proxy keeps them connected.

Maybe I'm overthinking it - but it would massively bother me. The idea that AutisticAuteur and her bitter wronged-wife mate had been discussing me all along, maybe passing along nuggets to the DH and such.

I imagine it has also been very traumatic for the teacher - it was a full on affair, including apparently plans to leave their respective spouses.

If the friend and her dh have moved on though then that is likely because the friend wanted there to be no contact between her and her dh in future.

Also, as others have said, you are over-thinking this and your part in it. If the dh wanted to know he would presumably still be in touch with her so why would you be needed in that regard? And what do you think she would be telling the friend?

I mean - if I'm overthinking I'm overthinking -
I'll give my head a wobble.

It just feels complicated, underhand and potentially explosive.

I wouldn't want to drop my friends name into the conversation, for fear of misjudging it and it almost being viewed as a threat/blackmail. (The details are pretty scandalous ).

It's just an ugly secret to carry, I agree.

Chaos I'd imagine I was being bitched about for being fat and ugly and stupid and the rest , and that details of my DC were being shared (teacher DC was the link teacher-DH) . Like I said earlier - she does naturally overshare - and drop unnecessarily personal things into convos.

OP ChaosNeverRains is right, in this, it is not my place to tell you to ignore another posters views. Although I doubt you would put any more store by my comments than anyone else's!

However, ChaosNeverRains, in my defense I found your comments to be so very unpalatable that I had a quick reaction.

Maybe you did not think it would come across that way. But to me you seemed to be implying the cheated on wife had confided about the affair to her very close friend as a way of being not nice! Whether she knew the teacher was at the time or would become the OP's son's teacher, does not matter, maybe she just needed to talk to a friend.

To me your comments on the OP's friend sounded udgement and bitchy, comments about the scorned wife just seemed so inappropriate that I reacted quickly. Maybe I should not have done so. Maybe you did not mean it that way and I misread it.

It's clear some people do see things differently to you OP it would certainly be easier if you did not feel this way, easier for you. But only you can make a final decision.

Don't say anything if you are not sure because you can't unsay it.

I really don't think you need to worry your friendly-ness will be misconstrued as being a mole. Just be professional and focus on work-in-hand.

But your interpretation of unnecessarily personal is just her version of small talk.

And tbh people have affairs all the time. It’s not nice to think about but actually, more people have affairs than don’t. But the likelihood is that there are a lot of people you know who have had affairs, whose relationships may even have come about as the result of affairs, off the top of my head I can think of at least four women in my dc’s class when they were in reception who had affairs, two left for OM, one left and moved 200 miles away and left her child behind, the other one split from her husband but didn’t stay with the OM, and those are just the ones I know/know about. There are likely to be more in a class of 30 and in each case someone will know all the sworded details.

And you say there were feelings involved and that they were talking about splitting from their partners? Yet they didn’t. And in truth how many people go through stages in their marriages where they consider splitting from their partner and then work things out. The affair complicates things hugely but it’s no less shocking to talk to someone who says “I was going to leave him but now we’re working things out.”

Fact is they didn’t split from their partners. Why is anyone’s guess, but I’d imagine that if they came that far there were far bigger issues which will now need to be resolved within their marriages.

Unless you think the affair is still going on it’s a bit naive to think that the OW thinks you’ll be gossiping about her children given the affair is over and the man in question has moved out of the area. To her it will most likely just be a case of “I had an affair with a bloke which was regretful/a disaster/made me realise what was important (and let’s be honest, some affairs do make people sit up and realise what’s important and want to get it back,) and the wife happened to be friends with the mum of one of the kids in my class.”

If she wants to rebuild her marriage she will do so and won’t be interested in the husband. If she’s still interested in the husband they’ll be in touch without your input.

Yeah - I guess that makes sense ...

I'm NT and I wouldn't be able to view her the same tbh. I would have done the same as you - kept.it professional and backed right off

Not. Your. Business.

She didn't wrong you. Let it go. Unless your as cold to friends DP or are you boaming this women totally.

What she does in her private life is nothing to do with her professional one.

©OP if she over shares move away from her physically, get on with something else. I've had the reverse of this with people asking personal questions. Ds is adopted and a couple of people have tried to ask personal questions. I don'even bother to say that's rude, just 'I can't really talk about that.'

Some people find 'secrets' hard. But really if you think of it as 'private' that's different. Your friend told you, maybe when she was upset. It would upset this woman to know what has been said so you won't mention it, any of it.

Your friendly working relationship with this teacher could last a few years or be over when she moves on in a year So don't worry.

Decide how you want to proceed.

We've had many diverse opinions on your thread but many seem (the majority I think) the teacher will not view you as a mole or be affected by one day finding out you are friends with your friend.

Good luck.

ChaosNeverRains I'm very curious and you don't need to answer this but how do you know more people are having affairs than not?

To me this hinges on whether or not the teacher knew that your friend's H was married. If so then I wouldn't want to be having anything to do with her. We're your friend's DCs at the same school?

Although I think from the detail that they were both planning to leave their spouses I would assume she did know. In which case I'd be keeping it distant and minimal.

OP, i'm neurotypical and would have done EXACTLY what you are doing.

italian I can’t remember where I read it now, will go and have a look when not on my phone, but a recent survey indicated that around 60% of people admit to having cheated on a partner, and the figure was around the same for men and women. And those are presumably just the ones who were honest when answering the survey....

Keep out of it and stop making this about yourself.
People make mistakes / are not as ethical as others / behave differently ALL THE TIME. When you're perfect then you can judge.

ChaosNeverRains 60% seems very high but I guess if you are kind of weighed in the high direction. if you are married twice and cheat once on one person you'd be in the 60%. I only know one person who admitted to me she was having an affair!

All these posters popping in talking about judgement! It's hilarious! The OP has made it clear she is worried about her own actions not the teachers!

One thing in my past, is that I tend to treat people in a very straightforward way

Whenever I read people proclaiming themselves as straightforward / tell it how it is etc, alarm bells go off.

Invariable they are the polar opposite. Or very unpleasant but us the veil of “honesty” to justify their actions.

I agree it would be being OTT to act as the moral police and start shunning randomers regarding their behaviour. If said teacher had an affair so what...However said teacher had an affair with one of the OPs best mates! Of course she doesn’t want to be pally with her. I’m wondering if I’m reading a different thread given some of the opinions here. If just be honesty’s say sorry I haven’t been so friendly and jolly recently but I’m friends with x or friends with wife of Mr x and leave it there. I’m sure they’d then work out the reason for any behaviour change

I think people hear what they expect to hear. they hear 'affair' they think 'judgement'.

I don't think you are judging OP.

I wouldn’t be able to be friends with or overly help someone who knowingly had an affair with a married person. It’s just sly and bad morals. Just like I wouldn’t be active friends with the cheater but would be polite for the sake of my friend. I know a teacher who was cheating on his wife even days after she gave birth I give him a wide berth now but I am polite and respond if he talks to me but I have no interest in engaging in lengthy chats that do not need to happen.

Good points Caucho