Budgeting/financial abuse

[lookingforthecorkscrew]

DH is the earner in our family, I’m a SAHM.

Recently we got into a bit of financial trouble, mostly caused by living in a very expensive area, somewhat caused by DH not keeping track of his accounts. We’ve taken some big steps to tackle this, we’re even moving next month.

This morning I said I would pop out and get some soup for lunch. DH called up ‘budgeting starts tomorrow’ - it turns out that he wants me to literally write down every £1 I spend on everything, every day. Even though it comes out of the joint account and can be easily seen there.

Seeing as my wanton soup-buying habits are clearly not to blame for our current situation am I within my rights to refuse to do this? I spend less than £30 a week on sundries/coffees/bus fares.

Well is he going to do the same?

He says so. He thinks budgeting is writing down what you spend. I think it’s working out how much you can spend and sticking to it.

And TBH he’s never budgeted before, I have. I am perfectly capable of sticking within a limit without keeping a pocket book.

Call his bluff and do it. Bet his spending is much more than yours!

Haha! It would be! He smokes, for one.

It's a good idea. You may be surprised by where your money goes, and where you can make economies.

I know where my money goes because I’m very careful about how I spend it!

If he's going to be doing the same thing, I don't see a problem. Even if he isn't, you can then prove the money issues are not down to you!

I think it's probably a good idea, even if it means he has to face up to what he's spending at the end of the month.

Financial abuse?! Doesn't sound like it. It is the first thing most debt sites talk about, writing everything down. The mere act of writing it can be a wake up call.

He was very annoyed that I ate the soup that we already had in the fridge yesterday, even though I a) pointed out that it went off yesterday and b) I was hungry and wanted lunch.

My concern with this is that his anxiety about money is causing him to be a bit of a bully at home. For example if DS needs new shoes DH will question me about how much they cost, where I will buy them, how much it’ll cost to get to the shop etc. Rather than trust I will buy him the most suitable shoes for the least money.

I'd roll with this one. Clearly you have no need to, but he is at the beginning of getting his head round the whole idea so letting him see the whole situation and you pointing out that you make sure you stick to the agreed amounts, will show him that he needs to follow what was working for you.
Annoying though that actually is. He needs to see for himself.

Yesterday I made a chicken pie and froze the leftover filling to use again. He patted my arm and said ‘Good girl’, I wanted to hit him.

What does he say about his smoking costs?

It doesn't sound like financial abuse tbh. It sounds like your DH is trying to sort out your finances. If you're in financial trouble maybe you could consider getting a part time job.

I can’t work atm, I’m 20 weeks pregnant and am on modified rest for bleeding. I also have HG. And a 3yo DS with additional needs.

I hate to drip feed but I should also point out here that if I hadn’t sat with his books and a calculator all afternoon on Saturday he would have been utterly ignorant about our exact financial situation and been blindly panicking about going ‘bust’.

I did the maths, I worked out what we could pay, i worked out a budget. I can also see quite clearly how we got in this mess, but nevertheless I sorted it while he hid in the living room playing cricket on his phone. So I really think I have been quite a useful and proactive partner in dealing with this.

What an arse.

He’s clearly projecting his anxiety about fucking up with the spending.

Send him some links on how to budget. And then on how to spend within your means.

But yes I would humour him, write everything down.

However be careful - I bet you he questions spend on the DCs even though they’re his children too.

Could you meet him somewhere in the middle? E.g. £20 for random food top ups to last a certain amount of days?

It sounds fine to me. Make sure you see his list!

Ok so he smokes but has an issue with you eating lunch and with your son having adequate footwear?? Good God what is it with all these women who are in relationships with bullying man-children and put up with it. It seriously has me speechless sometimes

There's no way he can give you a hard time for soup if he smokes. On the other hand, "popping out to Waitrose" for soup or whatever can easily turn into a £20 experience for me, as I grab some chocolate, bread, "oh this would be nice for the morning" etc.

The first place I look to when we're trying to save money is the direct debits. There's ALWAYS something in there that can be ditched. Tell him to stop faffing around with a pen and paper and pretending it's "budgeting" and go through the bank statement for the last 3 months and look at WHERE you're spending needless money (cigarettes) and take it from there.

He's not being financially abusive (search for the phrase financial abuse here on Mumsnet if you want your hair to stand on end), he's just being a bit of an ass.

So no, I don’t think I should have to write down ‘soup: £1.29’ in a pocket book

I'd be annoyed by his way of speaking to you. It reads to me as if he's trying to make out the financial mess is because of you spending too much money. "Good girl" indeed!

If he's spending x amount on smoking, I think you should have the same amount as "squander money". If that's not affordable, then his smoking habit isn't affordable either.

Happy to concede he’s just a bit of a twat and not an abuser. I just hope it isn’t the start of something!

I would give him a weekly budget and say don’t spend anymore. You have the same budget.
He won’t stick to it, with smokes, shoes and other and you will have made your point.
I’d probably right it all down too just to piss him off. Plus then he has to do it and you can monitor him more closely.
Sounds like a right hypocrite

“Good girl” I would cut his smokes up