Budgeting/financial abuse

[lookingforthecorkscrew]

DH is the earner in our family, I’m a SAHM.

Recently we got into a bit of financial trouble, mostly caused by living in a very expensive area, somewhat caused by DH not keeping track of his accounts. We’ve taken some big steps to tackle this, we’re even moving next month.

This morning I said I would pop out and get some soup for lunch. DH called up ‘budgeting starts tomorrow’ - it turns out that he wants me to literally write down every £1 I spend on everything, every day. Even though it comes out of the joint account and can be easily seen there.

Seeing as my wanton soup-buying habits are clearly not to blame for our current situation am I within my rights to refuse to do this? I spend less than £30 a week on sundries/coffees/bus fares.

My system is - bill account for all bills and dd - wages paid in. Then webs saver accounts (with cash card) that we divide money out when paid. So nothing is taken out of bills account once everything is allocated. We have accounts for each of our spending, petrol, food, any annual bills, emergency fund. Set amount in each account. Very visual and easy to see where you are

The OP is on bedrest and looking after a toddler. I don't think eating bought soup over homemade is that decadent of her.

You can start by making your own soup. You'd get enough for a week from £1. And food doesn't "go off" the moment it gets to its use by date

The OP HAS started by being financially responsible in the first place. Her husband can start now, by binning off the cigarettes. Today.

When I use to budget with my ex, I had a budget line for 'leisure' where we had £100 each to spend on whatever we wanted on ourselves per month. So if you and your husband did a similar thing, he could spend his £100 on cigarettes if he do wished and you could spend yours on whatever you want.

OP, it sounds to me as if he is highly embarrassed and probably ashamed. This is why he's being petty - it's his way of appearing to take some control back.

He was oblivious about the precise financial situation - you had to explain this to him.

You are moving house and you say it's you that's organised this (you've also advocated that it was inevitable for some time). Again, he has had to concede to your logic and common sense.

So he is now trying to present as "in control" out of sheer embarrassment. Maybe he's finally waking up to reality.

I think whether you roll with this or not depends on what he was like regarding your spending before - e.g. how out of character is this new patronising persona?

For those suggesting the OP make soup are doing the classic of zoning in on details without looking at the big picture.

She already had the soup and ate the soup. Her dh moaning about the soup was ridiculous because it had already been bought ffs.

The OP has a plan to make savings Yerba the dh comes along with his petty panic ideas.

He is not shouldering the burden of earning. His wife covers the childcare!!!

We have enough money in our budget for ready-made fresh soup. If we didn’t I’d buy cheaper or make it myself. I do all the cooking, btw, from scratch. Today I made Mexican eggs for lunch. Tonight we’ve chilli con carne. All budgeted, planned and made by me. DH doesn’t cook.

The OP ate the soup yesterday and went out today for more.

Every budget site/app has said the first thing you should do it track your spending. If the DH has said he will do that then the cigs will show up. We only have OPs word that she spends £30 on coffee etc. and the reason that tracking your spending is the first thing is that it is very, very to underestimate your spending and forget bits and bobs. So now DH is trying to do the right thing and follow advice and OP is saying that she is doing nothing wrong and it is all him.

It's similar that a lot of diets will ask you to write down everything you eat as it's easy for extras to appear.

I didn’t buy soup in the end. I bought eggs. I only offered to buy more soup because DH was so pissed about me eating it yesterday!

Fucks sake she already had the soup from the day before and was hungry and wanted to eat.

She’s allowed to eat food.

I’m using the rest of the eggs to bake a sponge cake with my DS this afternoon, because I’m a decadent bitch!

How did you decide the food budget? Surely if you're in financial difficulty then saving every penny is needed? It comes across that everything you spend is good and everything he spends is a waste. Your coffees etc. are fine but his cigs are not. You buying more expensive soups is fine, him buying a pint in the pub is not. It seems like you have different priorities as to where it is fine to spend money and where it is not.

We spend £80 a week on groceries. With £20 for top ups if needed throughout the week. I don’t really know why I have to justify this to you when you don’t know the budget, but it’s definitely affordable for us. Some weeks I might spend less, I definitely don’t spend more.

I haven’t been out for a coffee since last Wednesday. And in fairness it was in the Sainsbury’s cafe. So no, sorry, I don’t feel I have to justify that spend.

I make my husband tell me anything he has spent so I can keep a running total of what money we have. If I don't it all goes to pot quickly.

All I'm saying is that you said that he hasn't been keeping track of money so he does research and most websites say track your spending down to the last penny for one month. You refuse because it's not your issue and you're doing everything perfectly with budgeting.

Why not try it for a week and see how it goes, if he doesn't write everything down then you can say something.

As I said before, I’m happy to stick within a (very reasonable) pre approved budget for things like coffees/soft play sessions/Freddo frogs for DS etc. And I do stick to it, and often don’t spend it all.

But am I going to write down every Freddo I buy DS? Am I fuck? It’s max 2 a week!

I'd also recommend the MSE website for advice and excellent budgeting tools.

I guess I just read 'a bit of financial trouble' as something serious when it may not be.

I feel the tone of the OP has biased people against what is actually a sensible suggestion by her DH. Sure, he has contributed to the mess they're in financially right now, but focusing on the past and how you got here ain't do half as much good as focusing on what you can both do NOW to sort yourselves out going forwards.

Tracking every penny for a few weeks to a few months is a good first step in budgeting, you need to know where your money goes first, before setting a realistic budget. So do it. I did it for a period when I was with my ex to enable me to start saving money, I recall him saying he'd rather shout himself than have to note down £2 spend on a coffee on his lunch but by the time we split up he was still in thousands of debt and I'd got a handle on how to budget and start saving!

Once you see where it's going you can decide on your budget. How I do it is I set aside all of my bills and rent money in one account, set aside my savings in another, then divide what's left by the number of weeks in the month and then pay the amount to myself weekly (in your case it'll be to you both). It soon makes you realise if you want to go over it'll have to come off a subsequent week's total spend. I found it useful to write down my allowance in a paper diary to stick to it.

You're supposed to be a team, he's trying to get a handle on finances and you're kicking back against it because you feel affronted he's asking you to track your spending, why don't you humour him, give it a shot and take it from there? If he refuses to track his cigs you can deal with that but refusing to even attempt tracking and budgeting in case he does do that is childish.

Has he ever been like this before though OP? We need context! Is he generally tight about money?

Also, moving house (and to a new area) is a big deal. You say you're renting. Is he stressed that you can't get a mortgage?

Actually you do kinda seem completely set on definitely not trying tracking your spending, OP. No matter how many posters say it's a good idea. So is there anything else you need advice about re this situation if that's been decided?

It's not financial abuse btw. Far from it. If trying to set a budget and track spending is financial abuse then a lot of very normal financially responsible couples would be abusive!

Hmm, I don't actually think this is a bad idea in itself. There's a reason so many budgeting websites advise it. Much as I can see that it's galling when the bigger problem is him, the odds that you have such a good handle on the spending that you won't learn anything at all from this seem pretty minimal. I also think it might be beneficial for him to see how much he's wasting.

That said, you need to be sure it's not going to be used as a stick to beat you with, and that he's going to play ball too. I wouldn't be having the faffing over shoes for DS for one minute, for example. If he thinks they can be bought at suitable quality more cheaply, that becomes his job.

Your coffees are an indulgence just like his stuff: I don't see that you can say his treats are up for discussion but yours aren't. But then equally you will need a budget for entertaining DS. That might well take the form of coffee out sometimes. So it differs from him smoking in that respect. Money you need to spend to look after DS shouldn't be seen in the same light as money frittered.

Given that you're pregnant, ill and looking after a 3 year old, there's also going to need to be some slack in there for things to save your energy as you get further along (unless of course he plans to prepare all meals for you). He will need to be on board with that.

So I'm somewhat on the fence. £30 a week on coffee and 'sundries' sounds like a lot for a family who are trying to save, but if you're expected to reduce your personal expenses below that level so should he. And the alternative option is for you both to have a certain amount each week to spend on crap and not have to record this at all- but again would require him to stick to that.

OP, if you did write down everything you spent, and kept receipts, however unneccessary or petty it may feel, it will give you the evidence when there's £60 quid less in the account than you've spent, and your DH is wondering where it is. If he hasn't been writing his expenditure down, then the finger will point squarely at him. If you don't write anything down, it will be far too easy for him to blame you 'Oh you must be spending more than you say'. Particularly as he seems inclined to lay the burden of saving money at your door.