Budgeting/financial abuse

[lookingforthecorkscrew]

DH is the earner in our family, I’m a SAHM.

Recently we got into a bit of financial trouble, mostly caused by living in a very expensive area, somewhat caused by DH not keeping track of his accounts. We’ve taken some big steps to tackle this, we’re even moving next month.

This morning I said I would pop out and get some soup for lunch. DH called up ‘budgeting starts tomorrow’ - it turns out that he wants me to literally write down every £1 I spend on everything, every day. Even though it comes out of the joint account and can be easily seen there.

Seeing as my wanton soup-buying habits are clearly not to blame for our current situation am I within my rights to refuse to do this? I spend less than £30 a week on sundries/coffees/bus fares.

Sounds like he’s exhibiting more behaviours linked to that perhaps. An extension of his anxiety maybe?

Definitely Sharon, and as somebody with MH issues myself I am sympathetic to that. Hence me gently explaining why I wasn’t going to log all purchases rather than have a go at him for still smoking.

I agree with not having a go about the smoking, as an ex smoker it doesn’t do any good!
It’s a stressful situation; my partner is a contractor and we have to keep an eye on the books in case work dries up. Think I’ll have a look at those apps myself.
Hope things improve soon.

The DH is squarely at fault here, not the OP.

She has tried to get him to see sense before they got to the stage of disaster but only now has he had a panic and finally opened his eyes.

But incredibly he seems to think they share the culpability, when the OP is as on top of the finances as she can be and has been trying to clean up his messes - a thankless task in her case as instead of being grateful for her support, plentiful skills and common sense and feeling remorseful for ignoring her, he is being a patronising arse and treating her as if she is equally to blame.

It sucks. HE sucks :( Yes MH is an issue but really he is taking the piss. It is clearly getting to the OP and she has enough on her plate without being treated like a silly and naughty child and being gaslit into thinking she is somehow to blame. That is why she is reacting with anger and indignance. If he doesn't change his tune it is a LTB situation for me.

corkscrew. Try not to let him get in your head, and take care of yourself

Yes people can work through pregnancy if healthy, which OP is not. I did it myself. The problem, however is getting someone to employ you when you're visibly pregnant.

It's not the working necessarily, though some of the medical geniuses reading don't seem aware of the modified rest part. It's the finding a job when you've got a bump. Employers are not queuing up for obviously pregnant women with health complications. This is not a controversial point.

I’m keeping my head down and just getting on with shit, kinka, as usual!

OP it is a long thread and I have not read it all so apologies if this has been covered.

What do you do about personal spends? DH am I each have the same amount of pocket money for things which are just for us eg clothes, hair cuts, out with friends, massges, computer games. This way we can’t feel annoyed at each other’s personal spends and we are equal. Cigetteres would come under personal spends.

I don’t really have personal spends. I have a general £30 a week budget for the odd hot chocolate, comic for DS, trip to soft play etc

I haven’t had a massage since about 2013.

I think you need to agree on personal spends for a while, even if you save yours so he is aware that he is spending more.

Oh and things DD comes out of our family budget.

See, one good thing about a budget is that it might make it clear that you don't really have any personal spends, most of what you buy is for DS or his entertainment.

I do feel for you Op, as it seems your DH has caused most of the financial problems while refusing to make compromises along the way that would have made the situation far easier (eg moving to a cheaper area, giving up smoking long before).

I agree with other posters that recording spends can be a useful exercise (I’ve done it before), but in your case, after the soup episode, you are understandably wary that it will be used as a stick to beat you with. Particularly when you know DH spends way more than you anyway!

I think a better arrangement would be for you to both withdraw the same amount of cash each week as ‘pocket money’, from which soup, non essential kids stuff like Freddos, and cigarettes come from. Perhaps you could both put your bank cards in a bowl of water in the freezer to stop you overspending? Then when DH runs out of cash halfway through the week he will realise he has the bigger problem.

Honestly though, I think he does now realise it is him and it is out of shame and embarrassment that he is panicking and trying to clamp down on the spending.

When you talk to him about it, make sure you remain totally calm and sound non judgmental then he is more likely to listen and agree with you.

From the updates you’ve posted, it sounds as though you’ve been brilliant in organising the house move and you have a good grasp on your situation. Hope all goes well with this pregnancy.