Budgeting/financial abuse

[lookingforthecorkscrew]

DH is the earner in our family, I’m a SAHM.

Recently we got into a bit of financial trouble, mostly caused by living in a very expensive area, somewhat caused by DH not keeping track of his accounts. We’ve taken some big steps to tackle this, we’re even moving next month.

This morning I said I would pop out and get some soup for lunch. DH called up ‘budgeting starts tomorrow’ - it turns out that he wants me to literally write down every £1 I spend on everything, every day. Even though it comes out of the joint account and can be easily seen there.

Seeing as my wanton soup-buying habits are clearly not to blame for our current situation am I within my rights to refuse to do this? I spend less than £30 a week on sundries/coffees/bus fares.

A LOT of a twat. No way would I have a smoking spendthrift tell me I was to write down £1.29 on soup.

I'd say this could go one of two ways - he keeps it up and it tips into financial abuse; or, far more likely imo, he goes off the 'budgeting' idea quite quickly when a) it shows him as the problem and b) he can't be arsed to do it properly. In the meantime, I'd be extremely firm with him about questioning you about stuff like your kids' shoes. That's just not on.

Not a back idea to work out what you both spend ob average per week. Im the same as you OP - DP is main earner Im a SAHM. I spend less money than DP does pw but he always liked to moan if i bought new clothes (usually for DS, occasionally for one of us if a event coming up) or anything for the house - I bought a new chopping board a while back that was reduced to 30p and he moaned! but he comes home with beer every other night and just last week gifted £300 to a close friend whose dad had just passed so he wouldn't have to get back to working straight away - I agreed with this decision as this friend has gifted us a lot more in the past when we struggled for money. But I would totally refuse to write down every penny spent - just keep receipts and at the end of the month work out who spend what and where and see if anything could be cut out. Little things like walking instead of getting the bus (where possible) can help plus its good exercise - I walk to the shops every other day which is a 40minute round trip. And if he smokes and you don't - I'd call that £10 you get to spend on yourself since he does it!

The first thing a lot of budgeting sites tell you to do it write every single thing down in a book to see exactly where the money goes. It's easy to say ' a coffee is only £4 and I only have one a week' which is actually £200 per year.

You could make a pot of soup for £1.29 and freeze it, or a can of Heinz is less than £1.

Budgeting to me means setting a limit and bloody well sticking to it, most adults don’t need to write down every £1 they spend ( especially if they pay on card mostly) as they can just check the bank every few days to keep an eye.

He got you in to this mess so no I wouldn’t be writing it all down as I wouldn’t be the one that couldn’t cope with money and am an adult so can just check my bank account for what I have and haven’t spent

If she’s kinda on bed rest she can’t walk far though incase it risks a bleed. Well I wouldn’t for a few quid

I'm torn straight down the middle with this one!

On the one hand, OF COURSE it's not acceptable for him to snap at or bully you. That goes totally without saying. And I can see how this is really galling for you, given that it's not your spending that has caused the issue.

On the other hand, you got into this mess because your DH didn't manage his finances. He's trying to step up and take some responsibility now. I actually think recording your spending (just for a few weeks) could be a really good way of showing him how little you are shelling out on everything, and ramming the message home that this really is HIS issue and not yours.

I would, however, be very very wary of any attempts to curtail or control your very modest spending. This mustn't become a long term thing, and nor should it be an excuse to control your spending.

He patted my arm and said ‘Good girl’, I wanted to hit him.

How infuriatingly condescending - considering he has caused the problem to begin with. I would start doing the same to him (except there probably won't be any opportunities).

I’ve just told him that I’m happy to commit to a reasonable budget of £30 for things like grocery top ups/the odd hot choc or treat for DS. As I said before, I’ve seen our budget and I know that this is very affordable for us.

I told him that I wasn’t willing to write down these sundries as I already feel I have a very good grasp on this kind of spending. He’s not that happy, and asked me three times ‘You will stick to it?’ to which my response was to reassure him twice and then roll my eyes the third time.

He smokes, for one Well he needs to be stopping that cigarettes are not cheap and seen as his the reason for this mess he can be the first to make sacrifice. All his doing with cigarettes is paying a lot of money to damage his health anyway

I'm torn on this one too.

Your DH seems an arse in his attitude towards you. 'Good girl' indeed! Sitting about watching cricket on his phone doesn't strike me as a great approach to getting the finances in order.

However, even if your spends are minimal, it's a lot wasted on coffee and soup over the course of a year. Both of you should be agreeing to scrap coffees and have homemade lunches - it should be a joint enterprise. It's the first thing mentioned on every budgeting site.

Plus no doubt he spends a lot more than you anyway. I'd have my eye out for any hint that he thinks he should have more as he earns and you don't, or your clothes are too expensive, the kids don't need x, y and z...

So tomorrow night, after you have gone a whole day without spending..
Make sure you get the bits you need tonight, as him to let you see what he has spent money on.

Also have a house spending book.
One for the kids and one for you.
Account for every penny, and call his bluff.
Ask him how much change he has in his pocket tomorrow morning, and pay him back in kind about who is spending all the money,
Bet by Monday he agrees to pocket money, and no checking.

I would say his behaviour is a lethal combo of anxiety guilt and denial resulting in being a patronising arse, hopefully temporarily.

I would do it for a fortnight, if he does too, as an act of exposing the problem (and not at all passive-aggressively, no). In fact I would say I see you your list of spends and I raise you to a lovely spreadsheet . I would add that you both need to keep receipts of cash taken out, receipts for all item bought, and you will be referencing your online banking statements when you analyse them, together, 2 weeks on Saturday. It will be illuminating.

After that analysis you both agree your budgets together and stick to them. If he needs to write it all down, then he can, if you don't you don't.

It's not a bad idea to write down what you spend - pennies here, pennies there, sometimes you don't realize where it goes unless you can see it on paper. Having said that, this will only work if he does it as well! Pointless otherwise.

He wouldn’t do it. I can’t see him whipping his pocket book out after he’s bought himself a pint in the pub after work. Or stopping outside the newsagent to write ‘Fags: £6’

Again, if he's willing to do the same thing, do it, and both work out jointly where cutbacks can be made. It might be that he's worrying over what's happened recently and questioning every spend. However, you do have to eat and if necessary I'd suggest you agree a weekly/monthly allowance and both be willing to stick to it even if it means buying value stuff a lot, missing out on a steak, bottle of wine etc. Also, child allowance is meant to be for your son's needs, some you could argue goes towards food/heating but the rest you can use for clothing/shoes, so if DH is worrying just make sure you're sticking within that budget.

I was a SAHM for five years and it was DH who suggested we both basically have pocket money, us both having the same amount each month for whatever we want, no questions asked as long as we don't want extra. I now have two part-time jobs (still earning a lot less than DH) and we have £100 each a month. This is generally spent on going out with our own individual friends, clothes, odd treats like more expensive toiletries than we'd normally have or eg I bought myself a cheap jigsaw and a couple of books from charity shop recently. Your DH's cigarettes would come out of his money. If we go out on a day trip together or evening out then that comes out of joint funds.

DH and I used to write down all that we spent. It actually helped with budgetiny.
So it's not such a silly idea. But he isn't being reasonable telling you off for eating the soup or interrogating you about shoes for your DS.

Well then you don't do it either. Full stop. And he doesn't get to have more money for socialising than you. Also, what does he smoke and how many a day?

Well, is he going to quit smoking?

If he wants to quibble over soup, first he needs to do something about the £££ he's spunking away on his little white cancer sticks

He used to smoke about 5 a day but now it’s more like 15. He’s been saying he’ll stop for 4 years. I’ve told him if he hasn’t stopped by the time DC2 is born he’ll have to sleep in the spare room, and I’m not sharing a bed/co sleeping crib with him and our baby while he smokes.

Write down three separate expenditure lists. One for household items. One for personal spending abdbone for expenditure on your child. Then compare this to his list and make it clear to him that he is the problem. My husband screwed up our finances by spending too much. It took a while to get him to understand that he was the problem and that my spending was very frugal. He had gotten so used to being harsh with himself that he automatically did it to me too. After lots of correction "no darling, we haven't spent too much this year, you did." He eventually stopped. It was annoying af while it lasted though. It was just because he was stressed and stuck in the we spend too much mindset. All I had to do was put him in the I spend too much but my wife's spending is beyond reproach mind set.

I read that back to myself. To put it into perspective I limit my personal spending to about £100 pm. He spends a couple thousand. We both have expensive tastes but I've had to sacrifice my luxuries to make room for his and that was fine while he was having a hard time but once life got a bit easier I made sure he started acting reasonably again.

If he doesn't do it you look at his online statement - and ask him how he accounts for the money he has spent.

You'll be able to go - oh look I spent £56.73 on soup, bus fare, school cake sale, toothpaste and emergency milk. Here are the receipts. He'll go er £200 on er, dunno. Point made spectacularly.

Is that what they mean by hoisted by one's own petard?

You ought not to be even entertaining a conversation about spending with someone who smokes 15 cigarettes a day. A pack of 20 fags is a lot more than £6 these days and he's getting through that six times a week. Absolutely fucking not.

This is not abuse. It sounds like he has had a terrible scare about money and is trying to get on top of everything and get a grip on what is going out the door. I expect it is a starting point for working out a budget.

You seem to behaving like a teenager about it, saying it’s not your fault and how good you are and he is all bad - rather than a partner. Have you asked him if you can help out in place a plan together?

What can you do to help him?

He patted my arm and said ‘Good girl’, I wanted to hit him.

what the actual fuck?