Budgeting/financial abuse

[lookingforthecorkscrew]

DH is the earner in our family, I’m a SAHM.

Recently we got into a bit of financial trouble, mostly caused by living in a very expensive area, somewhat caused by DH not keeping track of his accounts. We’ve taken some big steps to tackle this, we’re even moving next month.

This morning I said I would pop out and get some soup for lunch. DH called up ‘budgeting starts tomorrow’ - it turns out that he wants me to literally write down every £1 I spend on everything, every day. Even though it comes out of the joint account and can be easily seen there.

Seeing as my wanton soup-buying habits are clearly not to blame for our current situation am I within my rights to refuse to do this? I spend less than £30 a week on sundries/coffees/bus fares.

I have a budget app on my phone, and I know how much I spend on avg on fripperies every week. I check our balance regularly. I know how much we can afford on groceries etc and what we need because I’m the one buying this stuff. I endeavour to stay below the amount budgeted.

It is very clear, retrospectively, where we’ve been going wrong. And lots of things have been cast off, some of them luxuries for me, some for him. I’m constantly tweaking utilities etc.

I keep track of our spending (not at the individual level, but in categories). If OH has spent £x at Lidl then I allocate it all to the general household category, but if he's spent £x at the corner shop I ask him what it went on (so I know how much to allocate to household, kids or his personal spends). I don't quiz him on what he's actually bought as long as it hasn't taken us close to the monthly allocation for that pot, and even then it would be more to point out that the pot is low so we need to be careful, rather than expecting him to justify it!

That said, we already have a budget in place, so we know how much is available in each category. It sounds like that's where you are, but your OH isn't there yet. Tracking your spending is a really good way to figure that out, and I can see why you'd be frustrated and feel like you don't need to do that. I'd try to see it as a positive that he's doing this, as it means he's trying to get a hold of the finances, but I think I'd also point out that you don't expect to justify every penny that you spend day-to-day.

I'd suggest that you decide some categories together, and agree that you'll both track your spending according to those categories for a week. Next Saturday, you can sit down and look through your spends together, and work out a budget. If he's had some say in it, he might feel more on top of the situation and less panicked, and also more likely to stick to it! With any luck, having it all together in black and white will help him see that it's his spending that's the problem, and you can then remind him of that when he starts moaning at you.

What I didn’t know, for example, is that we had Spotify, Netflix AND Amazon Prime. And all the Sky Sports channels. Because I thought DH had got rid of Sky Sports ages ago, and Prime. They were in his name and I assumed he was on top of how much they cost, it turned out he had no idea.

We just have Netflix now.

You could try it and just write 'groceries' £23.55 or whatever, or break it down to household products/fruit and veg etc. without going into each individual item.

Another way, which worked for me, was to physically withdraw the money and then put it into individual envelopes - groceries/days out etc. then when that envelope is empty, it has to come from somewhere else. So if you each have £30 spends then he blows his on cigs, it must come from another envelope - he must decide if he's taking it from his DC clothing/day out/food allowance for example.

When I am paid, I also automatically transfer some to a savings account. You could start with a minimal amount and then gradually increase it as time goes by. The account can only be used by both of you agreeing - cooker breaking down etc.

How much a week is he spending on sundries? Does he take any responsibility for eg finding cheaper shoes for DS or are you just expected to do it?

You need to get a job IMHO. I haven't read this whole thread. But if you're not contributing to expenses you can't whine when the other partner tells you to tighten your belt. If you've recently got into financial trouble I am not surprised he is in a panic about spending.

I’m with you op. Hope you’re feeling ok. Sounds like you already have two kids mind.

It’s infuriating how many posters are determined to make your dh a lost soul who’s finally found his road to Damascus moment with regards the family finances when actually you already do all the heavy lifting and he’s just hard work.

Viviennemary wanna give us a job? I’m 20 weeks pregnant, still bleeding from haematoma and on pills for HG. Oh and I have a son with additional needs, so will need regular time off for appointments to do with that...

Vivienne - do try reading the thread.

If it means he does it too, then it's worth the hassle. It may be to save his male pride in recognising that he spends too much. The end is worth the means.

It's also a useful first step in putting together a budget that works for you both.

Plenty of people work much further on in pregnancy than 20 weeks. You can't be that ill if you can swan around going to Starbucks for coffee. Sorry You need to step up IMHO.

Should the op bring her child with additional needs with her to work Vivienne? It is really quite expensive to find childcare for children with specialist needs.

As if anyone returns to work at 20 weeks pregnant

She's presumably visibly pregnant, ill and already on modified rest only halfway through. Don't be a tit Vivienne.

He smokes? You'll be getting gallons of soup for the cost of his cancer sticks. Get the fucker on Nicotine patches as number one money saving change. Don't let him bully you.

There is no reason OP can't get a part-time job. People work these days to a couple of weeks before the birth. Which I personally think is too much. She needs to find a way to supplement household finances instead of moaning about having to cut back on soup and Starbucks. Sorry I think it's pathetic.

FFS financial abuse??

I don’t have a Starbucks near me. And their coffee is shit anyway.

Op is on rest because she’s pregnant and ill and she went to Sainsbury’s not Starbucks. Ffs. Save your ire for her financially incontinent manchild that’s currently spending the baby’s milk money on fags and sky sports.

If it takes for both of you to account for your spending so that you can keep a hold on it after getting into difficulty I can't see the problem.

Viviennemary OP and I may not have seen eye to eye about a few things but people can work through birth if they have a healthy pregnancy and adequate childcare. Comparing working with going to Starbucks or whatever is ludicrous.

Also caring for a child with additional needs isn't exactly easy. FFS!

You need to get a job IMHO. I haven't read this whole thread. But if you're not contributing to expenses you can't whine when the other partner tells you to tighten your belt.

Yes she bloody well can, she's the one that keeps the entire bloody household running, including child and child to be! She's WORKING for the family, just like he is!

I wouldn't even argue about it. I'd just log my spending in my app of choice in the way I like.

Have you reviewed his spending log yet? Nip in the bud this attitude that he's the boss of your spending, especially when it has been you who has been closer to doing it properly all along.

YNAB is good.

Have you posted about your partner before OP? He was having panic attacks? Apologies if that’s not you.

Yes Sharon, that’s him. I’ve been to the GP twice with him this week and up most nights talking him down.