Dh won't say anything bad about mum

[Lime19]

My mil is a selfish person for a variety of reasons. She honestly is one of the most unpleasant people I've ever known.

Examples: walking away from her family when one of them has serious mental health problems, giving huge amount of money to her hobby instead of supporting her family (e.g. No Xmas presents for grandchildren or help with dealing with the poorly relative). There are loads of examples but I can't say as too outing. She's horrid. She only cares about herself. She's geographically removed herself from her family and uses that as an excuse. The sad thing is she really doesn't give a shit about dh either.

My dh is always making excuses for her and it's driving me mad. If it was my mum making these terrible decisions I would pull her up on it. I would be very angry at her. Dh doesn't want confrontation and thinks I need to shut up when I start saying anything that disagrees with her approach.

I dont understand why he's being like this. There have been arguments in past between me and mil and he always takes her side. He never sticks up for me.

Aibu to be getting pissed off with HIS behaviour? Why can't men see that their mums are being horrid.

It’s his mum maybe you know he loves her unconditionally without payments in gifts and money.

And the ditching of the poorly relative with severe mental health issues?

For me that would be unforgivable.

I'm not sure, and maybe it's something we're missing, but it seems as if his mum has her own life, is enjoying her own life and is simply not as involved with the family as you'd like her to be?

I'm not being antagonistic, I'm trying to understand :)

Least said soonest mended is an approach a lot of people find helps them. Arguments with his mum are upsetting him and driving a wedge between you. He doesn't want to fight. How about respecting his approach and trying not to think about her?

My DH would never say anything bad about his parents (or family for that matter) and I don't think I would say anything bad about my family. I know they ain't perfect but they are my family and I love them.

Some people love their families unconditionally and accept their flaws, no matter how bad.

You mention the poorly relative who is unwell, how close is your MIL to this person? As much as I love all my family if it was a cousin, for example, I would assume they have their closer family looking after them and not need me.

Maybe his mum simply didn’t have the energy to care for mentally ill relative.

It sounds like you dislike her rather than she’s done something bad to you or your specific family and expect DH to join you in your dislike, but she’s his Mum. If you’re just criticising then I can imagine he doesn’t want to join in.

Has she ever bought presents for grandchildren does she send cards to them?

You say you've never had arguments etc with her I'd keep it that way.

Your dh obviously respects her decisions.

My brother had mental health problems I couldn’t cope with it and distanced myself. Sadly he is no longer with us but I know if he were still alive I would be nc due to this.

Usually folk complain as their MIL is too controlling, wants too much contact etc - yours just seems rather detached. Why do you have to analyse how she is if he doesn’t want to. Sounds like she doesn actually impact much on your lives which you can be sad about but folk are the way they are for all manner if reasons. I’ve really moaned about my parents at times - but that’s me.

Maybe he’s just very loyal and wouldn’t run you down to other people either. I think it’s a good sign in a person when they remain loyal. Also maybe he knows more about his mother’s levels of being able to cope or about extenuating circumstances at the time of her walking away?

What exactly do you want? For him to slag off his own mother to you? It’s his mother ffs. She may not be perfect and may annoy you, but if he’s happy to accept her the way she is, it’s non of your business. From your op you seem most annoyed by the fact she gives more money to her hobby than she does to you. Again, non of your business. It’s her money. As you say, she has geographically removed herself away from you so when exactly do you even have to see her? Just don’t talk to her if she bothers you that much. Don’t expect your hubby to go nc with her just because you have a problem

The more you run her down the more he will defend her. Don't comment and he is much more likely to say how he feels and if he feels what she does is OK then that is OK too.

If it was my mum making these terrible decisions I would pull her up on it. I would be very angry at her.

OP, don't be so sure. You're saying that because you're imagining it's what you'd do from where you are now. If you'd been brought up by a mother like this, you might view things very differently. To your DH this is his mum and that's just what she's like. You don't know how she might have manipulated him from being very young.

You might try to get him to reduce contact, so that the irritations happen less often. But it could take a long time, if it ever happens, before he can see what she's like. It's become a cliche on MN, but read up on FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.

It's her daughter who is unwell. It's gotten very serious in the last few weeks. Her mum is more worried about her hobby than her daughter who is talking of suicide.

It doesn't sit well with me.

And if your DS said awful things about you?? He loves his mum - that is important to him.

Mental health issues are complex and I doubt you know the whole story.

Many would walk away from an alcoholic, an abuser, a depressive, someone who was violent or self-destructive - whatever mental health issues were involved - to protect themselves.

I wouldn't encourage your husband to criticize tyhis mother just because you don't like her. His loyalty is surely a good point

Without being in his shoes it’s very difficult for you to actually know how you’d react.

Try and be empathetic instead of judgemental. It must be hard for him and your attitude won’t help.

Some men just will not criticise their mothers- my Dh will not pass comment even though it’s common knowledge his mum is seeing a married man with children which she happily discusses with everyone but ‘it’s his mum’😒

I see your point. I'll try stepping back and letting him see the situation himself.

Oh - and you can't save someone who is determined to kill themselves.

You have no idea. Some mental illness is fatal. Sometimes there is nothing more that you can do.

A friend of mine lost his (adult) daughter to that illness last year. Anorexia, depression - there was nothing more he could do. He had to walk away as her illness was destroying his life and the lives of his wife, the other siblings and extended family - and they had been fighting for years and years.

Learn an important lesson, never criticise someone else’s family. It’s ok for them to do it but never go there yourself. Take a step back OP and chill.

Lime19, my own mother sounds similar. I put up with it because she will never change, I’ve tried in the past to get her to look outside of herself but she can’t. It’s selfish of your MIL but she is a selfish woman so she doesn’t see her actions as wrong. Imagine life through her eyes, always seeing yourself as the most important person in every situation. Your DH knows she won’t change.