Dh won't say anything bad about mum

[Lime19]

My mil is a selfish person for a variety of reasons. She honestly is one of the most unpleasant people I've ever known.

Examples: walking away from her family when one of them has serious mental health problems, giving huge amount of money to her hobby instead of supporting her family (e.g. No Xmas presents for grandchildren or help with dealing with the poorly relative). There are loads of examples but I can't say as too outing. She's horrid. She only cares about herself. She's geographically removed herself from her family and uses that as an excuse. The sad thing is she really doesn't give a shit about dh either.

My dh is always making excuses for her and it's driving me mad. If it was my mum making these terrible decisions I would pull her up on it. I would be very angry at her. Dh doesn't want confrontation and thinks I need to shut up when I start saying anything that disagrees with her approach.

I dont understand why he's being like this. There have been arguments in past between me and mil and he always takes her side. He never sticks up for me.

Aibu to be getting pissed off with HIS behaviour? Why can't men see that their mums are being horrid.

OP, perhaps your husband just can't face the reality of his mothers behaviour so he shuts it out by keeping quiet.

There is also the possibility that your husband think his sister isn't the only one in the family with mental health issues so again he says nothing.

He probably can't face any of it because its so painful.

I'll be honest... mil moved away and the relationship between sil and mil stopped. I would say she's never supported her since she's been unwell. She raised her as a child and teen. When she first became unwell is up for debate. I know sil blames her for a lot of her problems (but again she is poorly and a lot of stuff she says is because of that)

Oh 100 percent there is an element of my dh not wanting to deal with any of this because it's painful for him. He says it's one of the biggest disappointments in life and that he wishes everyone would just get on.

@Lime19 you sound like a very caring person, and someone who wants to help and deal with a situation.

Sadly, whatever has been happening over a period of time is not necessarily something you can fix.

I've got a relative with sever money worries and we lent them some money to help (not sure it did) and I'd love to give them money too, but we cannot afford it. It's been going on for years and there is nothing really we can do.

I've also got a friend with sever mental health issues who ended her life. She had had lots of help over the years and was very loved. But really there seemed to be nothing that could be done.

So, I'd say please do as you plan, offer whatever help you feel you can, support as you can manage, if you wish to. Remember your husband has grown up in this family, he may well know that talk won't change things. You don't necessarily know what has happened between MIL and FIL, and maybe even your husband does know the full story.

Lead by example but don't get burnt out.

Of course we can't tell others how to spend their money but I would also be upset if my MIL and FIL did not buy gifts for their only grandkids (our children) so ignore people who may accuse you of being grabbing - because it is not just about the money but what it says about where people come in other's lives.

Maybe MIL has had enough to cope with and genuinely can't give anymore. I know on the face of it it appears terrible but maybe MIL is fighting her own demons.

sounds like with a dynamic in that family as it is, this is what is the root cause of the depression.

You can't do anything to change it, that's how it is, but you can try to be there for your SIL if at all poss?

They don't see the problem because it's all they know. to confront the disconnect with other people's reality would break everything they know..

You see the crap because you haven't grown up with this.

My family were similar. some mothers really DON'T give a shit.

Maybe the MIL has her own mental health problem, she actually sounds quite similar to her daughter. I do know when my mother had mental health problems it took years for me to realise that my own health had been impacted. I left at 18 to escape.

It's hard to tell as we don't know her, if she's detaching herself for good reasons and just wants her own life in difficult circumstances, or is really a nasty person.

But the thing is you can't force DH to see it as you do either way. Even if she's a terrible mum who has damaged him deeply (again, she may or may not be), it's very hard to admit that about your mum and he might well prefer to suppress it and make excuses for her so he doesn't have to think about whatever pain it's caused him.

It is a big plus that she's not like some MILs, in your face criticising you, demanding overnights with your newborns and forcing 12 sacks of Christmas presents on you. At least there's some kind of distance.

So it is better to let them get on with it and stay calm.

Sorry x-post with yours OP.

"I know sil blames her for a lot of her problems (but again she is poorly and a lot of stuff she says is because of that)" My friend has some sort of paranoid condition, when she first starts talking one engages and then realises gradually that what she is saying is completely crazy, she totally believes it.

You just don't know how true any of it is, do you? But if MIL is not helping her can you help her to access support from mental health services, and perhaps introduce her to a debt charity?

"...he wishes everyone would just get on." I think you and your dh could find a united front here, do what you can, for your sil, but without assigning blame to anyone. I am in my 50s and rapidly realises this is it! As you age you look towards the years you have left, will I live to 70, 80, 90! When I was younger I used to think 80 years long time, but 80 years of own's own health getting worse, mobility getting worse etc etc. Maybe your MIL has just decide to focus on herself for the last few years or however long she has got. It does sound a bit selfish but maybe she has given years and years to raising her kids, being there for the normal things in life and now she just wants to relax a bit. Maybe even if she was involved she would not be able to solve things.

You won't change MIL, but you and your dh can choose the limit to which you wish to help your SIL and can support each other, rather than criticizing your MIL.

Plus if you can help your SIL access some professional help, in the long run, this may be more sustainable than you or family members trying to help her.

Another way to look at it is what can you actually really expect to happen in this situation?

Your MIL cannot (and indeed, should not) be coerced, guilted, provoked or shamed into acting differently than she does.

Therefore, what purpose does antagonising your DH against her serve? That you force him to verbalise something he may know perfectly well? That you get acknowledgement of what you do? That they row publicly and go NC?

Or... you accept her as she is, forget whatever obligations you want to put on her, and live with those as they are?

FWIW, I'm far from a stranger to complicated family situations. My mum is NC with my sister, and my other sister has huge hang ups about our childhood. My mum has multiple mental health problems and her own awful, neglected childhood. My sister is ALWAYS wanting to rehash our childhood (which had good and bad parts), and resents my relatively positive relationship with our mum.

Why is it positive? I accept that she is a product of a fairly horrible first thirty years of her life (more or less directly went from abusive parents to abusive first husband, eating disorder since she was about 10 til now), and that bending her into a mould she won't fit is cruel to her and to me.

People are a lot easier to get on with when you stop trying to make them into something else, because it never works, and you only gear yourself up to be unhappy with the effort and lack of result.

Listen to @thecatsthecats because that woman speaks sense.

I've probably done the most in the family. I was the one that raised the fact that I think something is seriously wrong
Just wondering has she been diagnosed by a Doctor?

My brother's girlfriend viewed our family in this way. She thought she'd be able to fix all our problems and seemed to enjoy telling me where my parents had gone wrong. One time I got really fed up with her when she was waffling on about what a terrible childhood my sister had had and that it was the root of her mental health issues; I reminded her that she hadn't actually been there whereas I had and didn't view it the same way as her.

I've had decades of dealing with family members with serious mental health problems and the only way I've been able to cope with it is to back off and leave them to it. Sometimes the help that well-meaning people try to give is just enabling.

Brother's girlfriend is now an ex girlfriend. Now she's not 'fixing' our family she's free to concentrate on fixing her own drug and alcohol addictions; not just hers but her own family members too. No one's perfect.

She has not been looked at properly by a dr. She's in the past been put on token anti deppresents but they are useless. From my reading she fits criteria for something more serious. I suspect when she talks to Drs she isn't honest because she doesn't see what we all see. I see behaviours that raise red flags and are not normal. It's so complex that it would be a whole other thread. But recent talk of "ending it" and panic attacks have made it seem more urgent than ever.

How the hell do you force an adult to go to dr? And I have suggested I go with her. How do you get a diagnosis when the person is too sick to realise they are ill?

How the hell do you force an adult to go to dr? And I have suggested I go with her. How do you get a diagnosis when the person is too sick to realise they are ill?

You don't. You can't. It is, ultimately, not your business.

YABU, her money her choice on what she spends it on.

Yabu also regarding the mental health supporting, not everyone is cut out to do this and if she feels she cannot or is unable to provide adaquate support then it’s best that she does walk away, she is not being selfish in choosing to do this.

My Mum is insane, I still wouldn’t bad mouth her to anyone and would back her up to the hilt to anyone who bad mouthed her.

My love, you can't fix others, they have to want to fix themselves.

yes I know it's excruciating, but there is nothing you can do past what you have done already.

You are right. I can't fix her. Eventually she will be homeless with no real support or she will do something stupid.

I know. I know, but that is HER choice. She CAN access help when she is receptive to it, but you can't do it for her. If she chooses to end her life, as tragic as it is, it is a choice SHE makes.

yes her family could be doing more, but they are not, you've pointed this out, your H doesn't want to ride into battle, and his mother can't/won't get involved.

The only thing you can do is keep the door open so SIL knows she can talk to you I suppose.

I normally love a good MIL thread, and as the daughter of a narcissistic mother I'm primed to be down on bad mothers too. But this sounds way more complicated than that. You talk of 'pulling her up' on her 'terrible decisions' but I think you're oversimplifying a complex and longstanding situation that may not have a solution anyway. It sounds like you're a person who likes to tackle problems head on and it must be deeply frustrating for you to sit back and watch this one unfold and play out, but I think that's what you have to do and tbh I think you may one day give thanks for the fact that your DH had the foresight to keep you both semi-detached from the action. In your shoes I think would just try to be as kind as possible to whichever family member I was dealing with at any given time - including MIL, who may not be as obviously the villain of the piece as you assume - while staying as emotionally detached from it all as possible. Save your emotional energy for your DH and DCs.

Is she under the gp or mental health team?

We have not got as far as mental health team. It's just a gp for now. But she goes so often about other things that are quite honestly made up (I won't give an example but they are ridiculous sometimes), I'm not sure how much the gp is on her side.

Sometimes the help that well-meaning people try to give is just enabling.

I agree with this!

No doubt MIL has tried and tried with SIL - and for whatever reasons she can no longer deal with the situation and for her own well being has stepped back.

You can't change her - she's an adult and makes those decisions -

Yo some degree you are coming across and 'knowing' better - I don't think you do