Dh won't say anything bad about mum

[Lime19]

My mil is a selfish person for a variety of reasons. She honestly is one of the most unpleasant people I've ever known.

Examples: walking away from her family when one of them has serious mental health problems, giving huge amount of money to her hobby instead of supporting her family (e.g. No Xmas presents for grandchildren or help with dealing with the poorly relative). There are loads of examples but I can't say as too outing. She's horrid. She only cares about herself. She's geographically removed herself from her family and uses that as an excuse. The sad thing is she really doesn't give a shit about dh either.

My dh is always making excuses for her and it's driving me mad. If it was my mum making these terrible decisions I would pull her up on it. I would be very angry at her. Dh doesn't want confrontation and thinks I need to shut up when I start saying anything that disagrees with her approach.

I dont understand why he's being like this. There have been arguments in past between me and mil and he always takes her side. He never sticks up for me.

Aibu to be getting pissed off with HIS behaviour? Why can't men see that their mums are being horrid.

Thanks all. I guess I just hate being in a situation I can't control or fix. It's hard to watch them all get on with their lives seemingly not trying to help poorly relative. But realise it's not black/white situation.

Although in this situation I will say when it looked like I had a terminal life limiting illness(luckily it was a misdiagnosis) my own mother was making a huge song and dance about another situation minor in comparison looking back I realised it was a distraction technique to busy herself away from reality- could this be the case with your mil?

You don’t have to love her, you don’t have to like her. She makes her own decisions bears on what she thinks is best, even if they are/you think they are completely wrong/crazy.

Unless these decisions are dangerous or affect you, then I’d advise you stop banging your head against a brick wall with your DH. He knows your opinion if her and that’s most likely. It going to change. I’d just comment ‘it’s a shame she didn’t try to help out Mary and gave the money to the knitting club instead’ and dont get into a row or heated debate. Why should her antics cause strife in your home?

The money thing is a bit of a silly point...

Part of the mental health issue is the debt associated with it. And it's spiralled out of control. I don't care about presents but it wouldn't hurt her helping her daughter.

I guess that’s between her and her daughter. It’s deustr when people don’t ‘do the right thing’ but you can’t make her!

Her mum is more worried about her hobby than her daughter who is talking of suicide.

And perhaps that is because your husband's mum has a lifetime of experience with her daughter and you do not?

Really, in those kind of situations, there is an entire family dynamic from birth to now that you were not part of. It's entirely possible his mum has experience with this situation (that you know nothing about) and it looks from the outside as if she's callous and uncaring, but for her it's simply the last in a long line of situations that she has decided she cannot and will not handle anymore.

Be gentle OP, you don't know all that has gone before and the entire situation (geographical distancing, some emotional distancing) screams "long family history" to me.

Just distance yourself from her and do not discuss her with DH. No point in thinking about or seeing people you don't want to waste time and energy on.

She is his mother, and he loves her. When you attack or undermine her verbally (whether what you say is factually accurate or not) you are attacking and undermining him too. What do you hope to gain by that? Why do you need him to agree with your assessment of her?

Also he has known her much longer than you, and may have a better understanding of her choices. I understand that you may feel you are having to take responsibility for your husbands sister, but after you have been supporting her for 10 years, through many cycles of suicidal thoughts, you may come to understand why his mother had to step away.

You don't know how many times she has tried to pull her daughter out of this before. It can get to a point where she has to live her life for her.

You say no one in the family seems interested in helping the sister out why are you putting all of this on his mum?

OP listen:

Neither of my DHs would ever agree with me if i ever critisised their mothers. (and my first one was a right PITA). I learned that if i keep my mouth shut and say nothing they end up saying exactly the same things which i would have. If i'd have said them DH(s) would have jumped down my throat!

Your DH will be able to see what's going on. Often we defend our relatives if they are being critisised knowing full well what's being said is true.

Keep quiet, give him no reason to verbally defend her and defuse the situation.

Hmm, so she's reluctant to throw money at a debt situation caused by a person with mental health problems.

I suspect this is a case of it being a potential bottomless pit, that no matter what you throw at it, will never be filled. Perhaps her daughter is simply unable to manage her finances like a reasonable person and your mother in law doesn't want to end up sucked into a situation that she cannot solve, but that will end up eating all her cash. Sometimes, if you try to help out just a little, you end up drawn in until the bitter end. And maybe she thinks it's easier to be the "selfish" person who doesn't spend on anybody at all than have her daughter see her lavish gifts on her grandchildren while she is in dire straights and not in her right mind.

Seriously, what would you rather have her do?

Let it go. You'll be glad you did.

And the ditching of the poorly relative with severe mental health issues?

Seriously OP, have you tried caring for someone with severe mental health problems? You have no idea what goes on behind the scenes and this might be the final straw for her. Some people can’t be helped.

There’s nothing stopping you stepping in and taking on that load if it’s so sorted in your head OP. But you need to stop the judgement.

My sister has very serious MH issues, started in her late twenties. Part of her illness is uncontrollable spending patterns. She has been bailed out many times. Guess what happens? She does it all again.

Your SIL is hopefully getting professional help, any idea what her diagnosis is? My sister was in total denial about her condition for many years and not very co operative. It's incredibly wearing. You have no idea what really happened before you came along. She rings one of our other sisters every single day, she still rang her when that sister was widowed last year and would not leave her alone. Our mentally unwell sister calls her every day multiple times. She actually had her number blocked for a few weeks when her DH was in the final stages and dying of cancer but she felt too guilty. My sister returned home after a trip to the shops, our other sister had tried to call her 37 times in an hour.

We have all helped our sister, sometimes you have to pull away for a while.

Caring for someone who has mental health issues can have serious repercussions for your own health. I have a friend in this exact situation and although I would never say this to her I think that walking away from the situation, even for a short time would help her greatly. She is signed off sick long term from work and became very ill herself by not getting what turned out to be a kidney infection looked at as she was too busy trying to sort out her suicidal child. The child has all the NHS care that is available and has been sectioned but she is 100% involved at the cost (from my eyes) of her own health. She is a wonderful mother but I would not criticise her for walking away at this point. She has done all she can and the situation is awful. What are YOU doing to help instead of criticising MIL and DH?

Thank you all. I've realised that as frustrating as it is, I need to step back here and let it play out. I guess I'm a fixer and don't like to see someone suffer. I'll try hard not to get involved and bite my tongue more.

Whinging about money/presents always sounds grabby

What have you done to try to fix this (apart from berating DH?) as you call yourself a fixer?

I've probably done the most in the family. I was the one that raised the fact that I think something serious is wrong (one of the more serious mental health conditions). Her family have never really considered it was something other than her personality. I've come up with a plan and I suppose I'be been coordinating the efforts to help her. So that's what I've been doing... fighting her corner. Mil moved away a long time ago so hasn't been dealing with anything for many many years.

So if you are handling her care and that is what you want to do why get MIL involved?

Possibly the family didn't feel that your husband's sister needed fixing? If you unilaterally decided to set about fixing her they may feel that's your project to deal with, especially as it doesn't seem to be going too well?

I think mil should have gotten involved before it got this bad. But I guess no point dwelling on past. I come from a very close family so it's an unusual concept for me to go months and months without talking "because it's a difficult situation"

Please stop critising MIL to your DH, your relationship will be all the better for it

You seem to have taken on board a lot of good advice on here OP. I’m assuming MIL lives a long way from you?

Yeah she's a plane ride away