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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh won't say anything bad about mum

151 replies

Lime19 · 26/01/2018 08:11

My mil is a selfish person for a variety of reasons. She honestly is one of the most unpleasant people I've ever known.

Examples: walking away from her family when one of them has serious mental health problems, giving huge amount of money to her hobby instead of supporting her family (e.g. No Xmas presents for grandchildren or help with dealing with the poorly relative). There are loads of examples but I can't say as too outing. She's horrid. She only cares about herself. She's geographically removed herself from her family and uses that as an excuse. The sad thing is she really doesn't give a shit about dh either.

My dh is always making excuses for her and it's driving me mad. If it was my mum making these terrible decisions I would pull her up on it. I would be very angry at her. Dh doesn't want confrontation and thinks I need to shut up when I start saying anything that disagrees with her approach.

I dont understand why he's being like this. There have been arguments in past between me and mil and he always takes her side. He never sticks up for me.

Aibu to be getting pissed off with HIS behaviour? Why can't men see that their mums are being horrid.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 17:46

I'm not sure how much the gp is on her side.

and it's none of your business. It is between her and her GP (who will know a good deal more about her, her medical history and her issues than you do!) Please step away. It is not your business. Not your call. You need to stay out of this.

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 17:56

I'm not sure staying completely out of mental health is a totally good idea. So you think if someone has schizophrenia "I should mind my own business"?

I think it goes against human nature.

Isn't mental health something we all need to be talking about more? More awareness etc? Less stigma?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 17:59

I will continue to be a friend because I can't just ditch her but will accept I might not (probably won't) be able to change anything.

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/01/2018 18:03

You can’t save everyone, this isn’t your fight,

Hissy · 26/01/2018 18:03

XPost, being a friend is the best thing you can be

EggsonHeads · 26/01/2018 18:04

It's his mother so it's his problem. If he can forgive her that's his business. Why is it so important to you that he should hate her?

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 18:25

'm not sure staying completely out of mental health is a totally good idea. So you think if someone has schizophrenia "I should mind my own business"?

You're not a doctor, you're not a mental health professional, you don't even know the entire story. She HAS a GP. She doesn't need an armchair psychologist trying to save her and the family.

PositivelyPERF · 26/01/2018 18:28

Oh, you’d hate me too OP. I have a profoundly deaf brother with the same illness and I’m NC with all the family, including him. He will never be in my life and I’m not going to explain why. What your mil does or doesn’t do in her relationship with her family is absolutely none of your self righteous business.

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 18:35

I find it interesting how mental health is treated so differently to physical illnesses. I could never imagine telling someone who was worried about a relative with cancer to "mind their own business" you aren't their dr so shut up and keep out of it.

I've known the girl a long time and seen her deteriorate. some of you sound an absolute nightmare to charities like mind who are doing so much to raise awareness and reduce stigma. I'm not sure their motto would be "mind your own business if you are worried about a loved one"

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 26/01/2018 18:37

But I wouldn't be expected to Mend a broken leg - I can be a friend and help them with shopping or childcare - I would be asking if the doctors inside

Nor would I be demanding MIL 'help more' if she's miles away

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/01/2018 18:38

You don't have to mind your business but you shouldn't judge others (MIL) for not getting involved.

GreenTulips · 26/01/2018 18:38

I wouldn't be asking of the doctors were 'on her side'

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 18:40

But would it be ok to say "Jesus Christ your legs bleeding and there's a bone sticking out of it... let's get you to hospital" if there person was trying to get by and limping along.

Would it be unreasonable to expect mil to phone up and say "how's the leg?"

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 18:43

I could never imagine telling someone who was worried about a relative with cancer to "mind their own business" you aren't their dr so shut up and keep out of it.

I could, if you were trying to fix this person with cancer while they already had a trained healthcare professional to look after them.

You would, in this situation, be like the friend who goes "oh, have you tried extra vitamin 12 to cure your cancer?"

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 18:44

I think what you're not getting is that NONE of us are saying:

OH NO, NEVER EVER VOICE YOUR CONCERN OVER PEOPLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES!

We are saying, based on what you have told us, that YOU should stay out of THIS specific situation!

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 18:46

I think I'm more like the person that has been told by a friend that she has a breast lump and it's probably nothing....I'm urging her to go to gp to get it checked.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 26/01/2018 18:47

MIL ringing SIL has no bearing on you or your DH

If one of my siblings needed help I would offer it regardless of what anyone would or wouldn't do - In fact it wouldn't occur to me to ask if X Y or Z were calling or doing anything for them.

Some people like all the clucky hens swarming round them in a family drama, your husband has never had that and probably doesn't want it.

DD in 15 and you sound like some of her drama lama friends.

DD doesn't get involved! She has more sense.

Mental health takes time and if she doesn't want to be treated then you can't force her.

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 18:52

I think I'm more like the person that has been told by a friend that she has a breast lump and it's probably nothing....I'm urging her to go to gp to get it checked.

Yah, that's the problem, you still think you're saving someone.

Let it bloody go!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/01/2018 18:55

You sound awfully like a codependent person.

So good of you to come up with a plan for how she should solve her problems. Such a shame everyone else isn't on script. Everyone else is so horrible and dumb. Why won't they just bloody obey you! If they did then everything would be FINE.

This is typical co-dependent thinking. Are you feeling righteous anger at people not doing what you have decided is right, lose sleep over it, spend hours thinking about how to make them do what you want, feel resentful at them for not appreciating all the effort you are making to work out how they can live their lives correctly.

Try this: coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

The patterns of control section sounds a lot like you. I could tick off most of that list just from these few posts.

Controlling your codependent traits could change your life.

Was one of your parents an alcoholic or abusive in some other way?

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 18:58

I've asked for this thread to be deleted now. The above post is just nasty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 19:01

Oh and I don't know a single person that would not urge a person to check out a breast lump.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 19:03

Learnt my lesson. Mental health is not to talked about.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 19:05

Why would you want the thread to be deleted? Because it's not going your way?

And no, you didn't learn your lesson. You've just twisted the words of everyone who has been responding to you.

It's not that mental health is not to be talked about.

It's that THIS issue IS NOT YOURS TO FIX and you need to back the fnark off.

GreenTulips · 26/01/2018 19:05

Yes but your not just asking someone to 'have a lump' checked

You are then arguing with your other half that MIL isn't demanding the lump be checked and than go about making a plan for them to have a 'lump' checked and then indignant that 'nobody' else is phoning etc about the lump...

Most would urge a friend to have the lump checked and then be there when they needed an ear

You're hard work

robertaplumkin · 26/01/2018 19:06

she doesn't sound great but your vitriol doesn't make you particularly appealing either.