Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh won't say anything bad about mum

151 replies

Lime19 · 26/01/2018 08:11

My mil is a selfish person for a variety of reasons. She honestly is one of the most unpleasant people I've ever known.

Examples: walking away from her family when one of them has serious mental health problems, giving huge amount of money to her hobby instead of supporting her family (e.g. No Xmas presents for grandchildren or help with dealing with the poorly relative). There are loads of examples but I can't say as too outing. She's horrid. She only cares about herself. She's geographically removed herself from her family and uses that as an excuse. The sad thing is she really doesn't give a shit about dh either.

My dh is always making excuses for her and it's driving me mad. If it was my mum making these terrible decisions I would pull her up on it. I would be very angry at her. Dh doesn't want confrontation and thinks I need to shut up when I start saying anything that disagrees with her approach.

I dont understand why he's being like this. There have been arguments in past between me and mil and he always takes her side. He never sticks up for me.

Aibu to be getting pissed off with HIS behaviour? Why can't men see that their mums are being horrid.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 26/01/2018 09:45

I don't see how you're a fixer when all you really want is your husband to criticise his mother and take your side in arguments. Sounds like you're the opposite of a fixer. You want to break it further. And break it hard.

I dislike when people portray themselves as saintly when acting like the devil.

There could be many reasons the mum is distancing herself from the unwell debt ridden daughter, your husband may know this. It's his family, following his lead is the way to go, not forcing him to take sides and cause further arguments.

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 09:47

I should add this is a broken family and my fil also thinks the mil needs to step up here and "take a turn"

OP posts:
Aki23 · 26/01/2018 09:47

Not all families are close and you shouldnt use it to beat your husband over the head with

ReanimatedSGB · 26/01/2018 09:47

You need to back off. I appreciate that your intentions are good, but there is a strong possibility that you are coming across to your H and his family as a self-righteous meddler and a bit of a bully. Yes, you're 'helping', but you seem to think that's given you the right to berate and criticize the rest of them. Which it hasn't.

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 09:48

Fil has done plenty over the years although I think only now is recognising how serious it is. It's affecting his health a lot through stress and worry (sadly just like a previous poster said could happen)

OP posts:
Queeniebed · 26/01/2018 09:49

I wouldnt get involved with pitting PIL against each other. Hopefully you havent said that to DH

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 09:50

I assure you my intentions are good... I'm not trying to be a saint though! It's just very hard to watch it all.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 26/01/2018 09:50

All of these relationships are not your business.

Step right away. Be a support for your SIL yes, but leave MIL entirely out of it. Be an agent in your own relationships but don't try and do that with other people's.

Then, if a situation arises where your DH refuses to stick up for you, you can raise it with him with a clear conscience.

'DH your relationship with your mother and hers with other people is none of my business and I don't even pass comment. Please hold your mother to the same standard at least. You're my husband, if you want my love and loyalty then please don't stand there and let her slag me off. It's hardly going to make for good family relationships. At the very least, you can refuse to discuss me if she has such an issue with your family.'

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 09:51

Personally I think they should be working together to help her BUT mil refuses to speak to fil

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 26/01/2018 09:53

When you say "this is a broken family?", do you mean the parents are divorced?

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 09:53

I think mil should have gotten involved before it got this bad.

you don't know the whole story OP. You really do not.

alotalotalot · 26/01/2018 09:54

I agree that you might have to bite your tongue but I also see why that is really difficult to do.
Hopefully dh won't be so defensive then.

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 09:55

Thank you all! I was all ready to start round two with dh later but I actually feel calmer seeking help on here because you've made me realise I can't fix it probably and I'll never make people respond the way I think they should be responding. I'll try really hard to keep my beak out and let them deal with it for now. I've been getting stressed about it for ages and for the first time in ages I feel less stressed because I realised it's ok and I don't need to fix it by myself.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 09:57

I realised it's ok and I don't need to fix it by myself.

:)

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 09:57

By broken I mean divorced but more so than that in that each individual member is pretty hate filled about past and they live as individual units most of the time. My sil doesn't "like" any of them and frequently won't speak to them which of course is most likely part of her Illness.

OP posts:
allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 26/01/2018 09:59

Fair play to you for listening. You've had some good advice here I think

Learn an important lesson, never criticise someone else’s family. It’s ok for them to do it but never go there yourself I agree with this. Amember of my immediate family can be quite difficult at times, but I wouldn't tolerate other people criticising them

Olympiathequeen · 26/01/2018 10:01

Even the worst mothers in the world still provoke feelings of unconditional love in their children.

However antagonistic you feel towards her it’s best just to keep your feelings to yourself and not attack her or criticise your DH for loving her no matter what. It may make him resent you as there is nothing worse than someone attacking the person you love.

Just be happy that you have such a loving, caring husband.

whiskyowl · 26/01/2018 10:02

OP, I suggest you post in the 'Stately Homes' thread. AIBU is just full of contrarians who will tell people forcibly that black is white just for the joy of it. Your MIL doesn't sound like a very nice person at all - anyone who prioritises a hobby over giving a grandchild a Christmas present is a bit self-absorbed.

It sounds as though your DH is trapped in Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) towards his parent. There is a half-way house here- being able to set adult boundaries from a critical distance with a problematic parent is important for your relationship, and for your DH's health as well.

Toffeelatteplease · 26/01/2018 10:03

Help is something that should be offered without conditions. Otherwise it's interference...

Be glad for what you are doing. Offer the help because that's what you are able and willing to give.

Noone will thank you for judging other family members by your own standards, even if they are better. Least of all your DH. Especially if by slagging off his mum you inadvertently find you're breaching his values.

Toffeelatteplease · 26/01/2018 10:08

broken I mean divorced

That's really fucking unpleasant

but more so than that in that each individual member is pretty hate filled about past and they live as individual units most of the time

You really don't know whether this is the wrong thing for them unless you've walked in their individual shoes for the whole of their lives.

Wind your judgemental neck in.

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 10:12

By broken I mean divorced

wow

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 26/01/2018 10:15

In fairness to the OP the term "broken family" was commonly used for divorced parents when I was growing up, and was not meant in an unpleasant way. It is just a bit dated now!

MissDuke · 26/01/2018 10:15

OP I think it is unlikely that you know an accurate version of what all has happened in the past. You need to move on and leave them to it. MH is so very complex and ultimately it reaches a point where only the individual themselves can help and if they keep on pushing everyone away and refusing help then it is understandable at some point the loved ones will move on with their lives. I know that sounds horrendous put people can only be pushed away for so long before they snap and actually go.

Let them get on with it and let DH maintain whatever relationship he wants with them. What level of support is he giving his sister?

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 10:16

Christ guys calm down! My parents are divorced too so I don't take that to be offensive! Goodness me! I've explained that it's more than just being divorced it's more about every member having a strong dislike for every other member! That is broken in my mind and it's terribly sad for my husband! Some people get divorced and are able to get along. This hasn't happened for my family or my husbands so I do have a lot of sympathy for him about this matter.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/01/2018 10:18

Has MIL ever supported her DD?

Swipe left for the next trending thread