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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh won't say anything bad about mum

151 replies

Lime19 · 26/01/2018 08:11

My mil is a selfish person for a variety of reasons. She honestly is one of the most unpleasant people I've ever known.

Examples: walking away from her family when one of them has serious mental health problems, giving huge amount of money to her hobby instead of supporting her family (e.g. No Xmas presents for grandchildren or help with dealing with the poorly relative). There are loads of examples but I can't say as too outing. She's horrid. She only cares about herself. She's geographically removed herself from her family and uses that as an excuse. The sad thing is she really doesn't give a shit about dh either.

My dh is always making excuses for her and it's driving me mad. If it was my mum making these terrible decisions I would pull her up on it. I would be very angry at her. Dh doesn't want confrontation and thinks I need to shut up when I start saying anything that disagrees with her approach.

I dont understand why he's being like this. There have been arguments in past between me and mil and he always takes her side. He never sticks up for me.

Aibu to be getting pissed off with HIS behaviour? Why can't men see that their mums are being horrid.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 26/01/2018 19:09

Lime19
Learnt my lesson. Mental health is not to talked about.

See its these posts that make people question your motive.

You mentioned schizophrenia..... why did that particular illness get mentioned? Is this what you suspect your SIL suffers from?

I think you're actually overinvolved. You're trying to take a parental role in a family that you are actually only an extended arm of. It's over the top and far too critical.

You've gotten all indignant and prissy and ask for the thread to be pulled when people start questioning you more carefully. We do talk about MH here, a lot.

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 19:13

I'm getting told I'm overinvolved yet a stranger has just asked me if I was abused?! It's derailed the point of the thread. It's not helpful to me anymore.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 19:15

It's a shame you can't see this thread is actually very helpful to you.

Maybe you will, some day.

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 19:19

It was helpful up to a certain point

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 26/01/2018 19:22

Maybe he just loves his mum, maybe he can see past all the things she has done wrong and loves her unconditionally because she’s his mum? That’s usually how parent/child relationships go. I understand you may not feel the same way about her but he obv does so give her some slack and try to forgive for his sake

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/01/2018 19:32

No, I asked if you came from a family where there was abuse not if you were abused. Childhood is where codependency is usually learned. You mentioned that your parents are divorced, you used the phrase broken home and you have a whole bunch of unhealthy codependency flags flying in your posts.

If an parent flies off the handle regularly in some way then the children often learn to "manage" themselves and situations to stop that happening. It can feel like you are strong, sensible and in control as you get older but it can often lead to having poor boundaries of the kind you are describing.

Go ahead and call me horrible but do yourself a favour and do a codependency quiz or two. If I'm a million miles off the mark what does it matter? It certainly hit a nerve, though, didn't it?

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 19:38

Yup you did what I was told not to do... armchair psychologist. This thread isn't about me and my mental health. It's mainly to do with my frustrations (rightly or wrongly so) about trying to stop someone being anxious, depressed and suicidal. Not because I want a medal but because it's not nice to listen to someone tell me they would be better dead. It's upsetting. And I'm only human. I get frustrated. I am disappointed about how the situation has been handled so far. I've admitted I need to think differently and up to a certain point it was extremely helpful.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/01/2018 19:43

Why is it so bad to consider that maybe just maybe you are exhibiting unhealthy behaviours?

You seem exceptionally angry at some random on the internet making the suggestion.

alotalotalot · 26/01/2018 19:45

I think the op has been getting a hard time here. She was concerned but straight away took on board peoples advice to be less involved as she probably can't help.

She sounds a nice Sil who only wants to help but has now realised it's a bit futile. Keep being a good friend to her op.

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 19:47

No I'm frustrated and upset that the girl I've known for 10 years wants to kill herself and seemingly there's not much I can do to help her at this point

OP posts:
Fionne · 26/01/2018 19:49

Run, your using this thread to give someone a kicking whilst trying to dress your posts up as something else.

I’ve reported your posts.

PositivelyPERF · 26/01/2018 19:50

She sounds like the kind of interfering busy buddy that is trying to deal with an illness she knows nothing about. The fact that she has the arrogance to assume that posters are judgmental of those with mental health and have no experience of mental health, just shows that she has a serious case of rescue.itis.

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 19:51

Thanks alot. That made my cry after all the stick I've been getting.

OP posts:
alotalotalot · 26/01/2018 19:51

But if the intentions are good, what's wrong with that?
She's taken on board peoples concerns.

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 19:53

But if the intentions are good, what's wrong with that?
She's taken on board peoples concerns.

She said in her OP it has actually led to arguments with her husband, and she's upset that her husband "won't say anything bad about his mum".

Those are not good intentions. Those are "my way or the highway" statements.

There is a vast chasm between well-intentioned concern and interfering with something you have no business interfering in.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/01/2018 19:53

Be angry at the situation. It is shit. Perhaps be kinder to your MIL, the other family members and the GP. They probably feel just as frustrated as you. They may also be more jaded because they've seen more of it over the years which is why they know your approach (like give SIL MIL's money) won't help.

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 19:53

I do know nothing about her illness but I do know that feelings of suicide and having hourly panic attacks are not normal and I'm sure my sil would like it to stop.

OP posts:
Fionne · 26/01/2018 19:53

Thanks alot. That made my cry after all the stick I've been getting

There are a few really good replies. Go back and have another read of the thread and separate the wheat from the chaff.

alotalotalot · 26/01/2018 19:57

Idon't Originally she felt that but very early on she admitted that she might have been over zealous. Give her credit for that please.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/01/2018 20:00

Have you asked DH and MIL what they believe is the best thing to do? They have a longer experience of SIL.

Have you considered the possibility that she could be manipulating you, perhaps subconsciously, into paying off her debts or convincing others to do so? Maybe that's why others who know her better seem so hard-hearted.

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 20:04

Give her credit for that please.

I would, if all her subsequent posts hadn't been yabutting. I don't believe she believes she should butt out.

I absolutely understand her urge to help, but it is so, so misplaced here.

Original poster
Lime19 · 26/01/2018 20:12

Idont is this clear for you:

I believe mental health should be talked about. I'll never stop being a friend to my sil or worrying about her. I accept you can't help someone that doesn't want help though.

I've learnt not to take my frustrations out on dh. Mil will never see eye to eye for a variety of reasons not mentioned on this thread. It's best I let them deal with it... as the immediate family. apart from the above. I'll be there as a friend and if one day she wants me to go to the gp with her I would.

I am only human. I'm frustrated and upset for the situation. Nothing anyone says will change my feelings on that. I can't switch off worry or upset like a switch.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 26/01/2018 20:12

feelings of suicide and having hourly panic attacks are not normal and I'm sure my sil would like it to stop

Then she knows what to do, and until you she does you can't help her.

Being her sounding board it probably not helping her help herself

A bit like giving money to a gambler or a drink to and alcoholic in the belief it's 'helping' it just isn't

Idontdowindows · 26/01/2018 20:28

I am only human. I'm frustrated and upset for the situation. Nothing anyone says will change my feelings on that. I can't switch off worry or upset like a switch.

I fully understand, and absolutely believe you but always remember this: you can only be the lighthouse, not the lifeboat.

Booie09 · 27/01/2018 12:29

What type of person is your sister in law? Has she always had mental health problems? What could have caused them? Is she normally level headed? Is she an attention seeker? You know her better than all of us! Sometimes you can't help people who don't want to help themselves.