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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU MIL and new baby

156 replies

feelingold101 · 26/01/2018 07:20

I have no clue if IABU and just tired and sleep deprived or if I have a good point so wanted some opinions.

MIL usually comes round once a week to see us and older DD, we have had a new baby and she is 10days old. MIL came round last night after work like she usually would, DH checked with me whether this was ok. She didn't leave until 10:00pm. I just think it's completely inappropriate, she could see how tired I was and that me and DH were abit snappy with each other as the night got later (nothing in this we are just both extremely sleep deprived right now).
I'm seriously annoyed that she stayed so late, she has form for this, 9/10 outstays her welcome and ignores hints to leave. I'm annoyed with DH as he could tell I had enough but was conveniently ignoring me so in the end at 9:15 I said I was going to bed as the baby had a feed and had gone to sleep.

AIBU? I don't want to say anything and cause an argument with DH over something I'm being silly about

OP posts:
ButterflyOnTheWindow · 27/01/2018 23:05

Your dh comes to bed late. ONCE A WEEK!

A reasonable grown up person wouldn't have an issue.

Balibabe1 · 27/01/2018 23:13

OMG! Your husband wanted time with his mother? Seriously, you need to think this through.

Summerlovin24 · 27/01/2018 23:18

Seems to be 2 camps. 1 who want visitors on their terms and the other who are happy for immediate family yo come whenever. MIL sd understand if she is there all night u will want to get to bed and will go. She can help do the dishes cant she if u have gone to bed 😂

caringcarer · 27/01/2018 23:35

Just tell Mil whilst it is lovely of her to come to visit you and know she wants to see baby you are sleep deprived at the moment and could she just visit earlier in the day or keep later visits to 30 mins and cup of tea for a few weeks until you catch up on sleep. Tell dh he should be looking out for you not encouraging his dm to stay so long when you are so tired.

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2018 00:34

@ButterflyOnTheWindow "Doesn't anyone on mn have a mil they're glad to see?"

Me, I love my MIL. But she visited at the hospital and then gave me some space with my lovely new daughter.

@ButterflyOnTheWindow "Your dh comes to bed late. ONCE A WEEK!" She's just had a BABY. Doesn't that change things a bit?

Hugsarethebest · 28/01/2018 00:39

In my opinion YANBU...it's been 10 days, you're exhausted and I don't think it matters how much you like or dislike your MIL...for me 10pm would be too late for anyone to be staying right now. You did the right thing by taking yourself off to bed though so good for you!
If your DH wanted to spend more time with her, couldn't he suggest a weekend visit instead?? They could take both DC's out and you could get a nice nap?
I understand that it was DH left with MIL but I personally wouldn't have been able to have settled until she had left, especially if I wanted to talk some things through with DH privately.
I'm surprised that as you're both sleep deprived, he didn't want MIL to leave so he could try and catch up on some sleep!!

I was in hospital for a while after having DC and on the second day there, my IL's came to visit at 10am....and didn't leave until 9pm!!!!! I had to eat my meals in front of them, try and hold conversations for 11 hours and I couldn't sleep at all! Not only could I not sleep due to them talking etc, I'm just not good at sleeping in front of people. My DH was there too and didn't say anything at all! Visiting hours ended at 9pm so DH and IL's all left together and I just sat and cried! I was so exhausted and everyone else got to go home and have a good nights sleep, whilst I did all the night feeds, having had no rest at all during the day. I was not happy at all....so can understand just wanting someone to leave...no matter who they are. In hindsight, I shoud've said something to the IL's but for whatever reason (emotional exhaustion maybe?) I didn't. That will not be happening with future children.....

cherish123 · 28/01/2018 00:47

You don't have to stay in the room. You could go to your room or kitchen.

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2018 00:47

@Hugsarethebest "...my IL's came to visit at 10am....and didn't leave until 9pm!!!!! I had to eat my meals in front of them, try and hold conversations for 11 hours and I couldn't sleep at all! Not only could I not sleep due to them talking etc, I'm just not good at sleeping in front of people. My
DH was there too and didn't say anything at all! Visiting hours ended at 9pm so DH and IL's all left together and I just sat and cried"

Shit that is bad. I think the birth plan should include the post birth plan, what is not OK and all pregnant women should make their post birth plans known to their partners or next of kin!

Did your dh not realise how tired you would be!

ijustwannadance · 28/01/2018 00:49

Currently awake with my newborn asleep on me.
10pm is far to late. Why are people so bloody selfish? Our bedroom is above living room. There is no way I could sleep while people were talking downstairs due to the noise.
Yes, visitors want to see baby but why is it ok for them to have zero respect for the mother or expect to be hosted by someone who has recently given birth?

We have only had grandparents and siblings round. Everyone else can bloody wait until I no longer feel like my insides are falling out.

movingtowardsthelight · 28/01/2018 03:46

You don’t have to ask her to leave. I’m assuming it’s not every night she calls in?

Whatever time you feel, Even if the baby is awake, give her a kiss on the cheek and say;

‘it’s so lovely to see you but I’m going up to settle the baby and I’ll probably not be back down. I’ll leave you to enjoy some time with your son. See you next time’.

Then she feels welcome, you get rest, your son gets some undivided time with his Mum.

Hopefully, she’ll be the one babysitting for you soon enough so you can have the odd long weekend away.

I had an amazing relationship with my MIL, she was my second Mum. It all started with the birth of my first baby. Your MIL is an asset you may need to lean on, sometimes quite heavily, for support.

Pumpkinbell · 28/01/2018 03:49

Yanbu my mil would have been the same i think (dd nearly 5) if we hadn’t of had some structure for visits when dd was born we said no visits after 5pm for first 2 months!! They respected our wishes and would pop over earlier in the day. Can your mil not pop over during the day sat or sunday for an hour? Can you no visis her then you could leave at a time to suite you!! But Be honest with your mil its a stressful but wonderful time and you dont need extra pressure of being extra tired due to late visitors. !! Congrats Flowers

Batteriesallgone · 28/01/2018 05:59

Seems like MIL needs to learn to read the room.

I don’t think with a 10 day old the priority is MIL-DH relationship. MIL should be supporting you as a couple.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/01/2018 09:18

Doesn't anyone on mn have a mil they're glad to see? Gets treated like an important member of the family? I really don't understand how they're classed as 'guest' or 'visitor'. It's your blimming husband's Mum, and the baby's gran!

Only on MN.

I've never known any woman to despise her MIL like the posters on here do!

Hugsarethebest · 28/01/2018 09:18

@Italiangreyhound I agree! A post birth plan is a great idea.....I'd certainly have a list of things on it now!!

I think DH was just basking in the glow of being able to show off DC and was really tired himself so missed the 'wtf' looks from me....and common sense went out of the window.
I let him know afterwards how upset I was and he said that the IL's had asked if maybe they'd stayed too long after they left!!! He did apologise but we both should've told them to leave....
Maybe it was just all miscommunication but it WILL NOT be happening again!!!!
As FIL was eating my pudding and custard, I thought 'why don't you just go and get yourself dinners!!!!!??? GO HOME!!'

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2018 10:05

We (women) need to ve a bit more outspoken. "Well it's late, and I've just pushed a baby the size of a water melon out of a hole the size of a walnut (or whatever fruit fit the analogy) so time to go as I need my down time!

BertrandRussell · 28/01/2018 10:23

Or, as the OP did, say “Well, i’m off to bed now- good night”

Batteriesallgone · 28/01/2018 10:34

You’ve got to be really lacking in empathy to think that 9 days of your husbands help with a non sleeping baby in the evenings is enough, on day 10, sort yourself out because MIL is here and that’s important.

None of my 10day olds would have laid there quietly waiting while I changed into pyjamas, brushed my teeth, had a wee. Or are people saying OP should ignore her crying baby / go to bed without basic toiletting because her DH’s time with his mum is so important?

BertrandRussell · 28/01/2018 10:37

The baby was asleep.

ittakes2 · 28/01/2018 11:05

She is prob lonely - why did you know just say you were going to bed earlier?

Batteriesallgone · 28/01/2018 12:40

And putting a sleeping baby down is so easy....

Rachie1973 · 28/01/2018 13:11

Your dh comes to bed late. ONCE A WEEK!" She's just had a BABY. Doesn't that change things a bit?

No. Its 10pm, not 3am.

He see's his mother once a week.

Bratsandtwats · 28/01/2018 13:18

My DH wanted her to stay and that's the problem; he doesn't see anything wrong with it especially if I've taken myself up to bed anyway

I have to agree with him. Would you like him to ask your Mum to leave when he went to bed? If you wanted your Mum to stay?It doesn't sound good that way around, does it?

I also agree with your DH.

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2018 13:22

Does it matter of baby was asleep? It's about the new mum.

BertrandRussell · 28/01/2018 13:30

"Does it matter of baby was asleep? It's about the new mum"

I was replying to the person who said she wouldn't be able to do her teeth or anything because the baby would be crying. And actually, is it all about the new mum? Everything?

Rachie1973 · 28/01/2018 14:50

Italiangreyhound
It's about the new mum.

Seriously? LOL.

What about Dad? What about older child? Do they not deserve consideration?

She had a baby. Hurrah!

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