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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU MIL and new baby

156 replies

feelingold101 · 26/01/2018 07:20

I have no clue if IABU and just tired and sleep deprived or if I have a good point so wanted some opinions.

MIL usually comes round once a week to see us and older DD, we have had a new baby and she is 10days old. MIL came round last night after work like she usually would, DH checked with me whether this was ok. She didn't leave until 10:00pm. I just think it's completely inappropriate, she could see how tired I was and that me and DH were abit snappy with each other as the night got later (nothing in this we are just both extremely sleep deprived right now).
I'm seriously annoyed that she stayed so late, she has form for this, 9/10 outstays her welcome and ignores hints to leave. I'm annoyed with DH as he could tell I had enough but was conveniently ignoring me so in the end at 9:15 I said I was going to bed as the baby had a feed and had gone to sleep.

AIBU? I don't want to say anything and cause an argument with DH over something I'm being silly about

OP posts:
Ponshuspirate · 26/01/2018 08:57

Find your inner assertive you! You do not have to be rude, just tell her calmly that it’s been nice to see her but now you’re all off to bed. Stand up and see her out.

toomanycreambuns · 26/01/2018 08:59

Just go to bed if you feel tired and leave them to it. If that's at 8pm then so be it.

Is your DH bothered about her staying? Perhaps he wanted some time with her? If she's on her own that's fully understandable.

I'm a bit Hmm that you can't cope without going to bed with him for one night a week. Perhaps you should discuss the 'plan' for the night as you go up to bed or before MIL arrives. How long will that take, 5 minutes?

StrawberryMummy90 · 26/01/2018 09:01

Sorry OP I think YABU and perhaps sleep deprivation is clouding your judgement here.

She comes round once a week - so you can have time with DH the other 6 evenings in the week.

You wanted to discuss the plan for the night - would of taken 5 mins max and it’s not really a private issue it could of even been spoken about around the dinner table

You were pissed off she didn’t acknowledge how tired you were and stayed past 9pm - you went to bed when you liked so it really doesn’t matter she wasn’t stopping you or baby from sleeping at all.

DH didn’t say anything - that’s his mum maybe he wanted her to stay and if he didn’t it’s down to him to tell her to leave seeing as you went to sleep.

FreshStartToday · 26/01/2018 09:01

OK you are sleep deprived, and everything seems harder then. Your dh is not being good at reading your needs, so be more explicit with him, to avoid tension building.

The real problem is not your mil, but having a very young, non-sleeping baby. It was obvious to you that you needed to chat to your dh at bedtime, to wind down and prepare for the night, but it wasn't obvious to him, and there will be other nights where he doesn't realise that you want to plan ahead.

So be prepared to talk about the night ahead, even if you have a visitor. Instead of "Right I'm off to bed" you can expand that to "Right I'm off to bed and I will settle the baby for the first time she wakes. You are on waking number two/three/four . . . Are you happy with that?"

That way, not only do you get to bed on time, but you also get to relax when you go, knowing that you have sorted things as you want. And then see if you can plan ahead to MIL's next visit. Tell him! "It's lovely to see your Mum but I'd love it if she could go at 9, just whilst the baby is so small" Or "It's lovely to see your Mum but if you want her to stay past 9, can you find 5 minutes to talk with me about how we will be doing the night wakings that night"

Best of luck

Sirzy · 26/01/2018 09:02

How much planning does the night need? Surely st most it’s a “I will feed the baby now can you do the x o clock feed?”

Or if it needs more planning then on the night you know she is coming then discuss it before she arrives?

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 26/01/2018 09:03

Having read Laiste's post I've changed my mind, YANBU. I've just remembered how I felt 10 days after giving birth Blush

Sorry OP, I think you need a chat to DH about being more supportive and proactive, it's incredibly hard in those early days.

StrawberryMummy90 · 26/01/2018 09:03

Find your inner assertive you! You do not have to be rude, just tell her calmly that it’s been nice to see her but now you’re all off to bed. Stand up and see her out

So DH isn’t allowed to choose his own bedtime then? He must go to bed when OP does? I would be seriously pissed off if I had my family over and DH stood up when he was ready to go to bed and pretty much demanded I go up as well.

diddl · 26/01/2018 09:03

Wouldn't it be rude of Op to tell MIL to leave if her son wants her to stay?

"but now you’re all off to bed."

Can't the man make his own decision about his bedtime??

RadioGaGoo · 26/01/2018 09:04

Toomanycreambuns Sadly, not everyone can be as fantastic as you obviously are at coping with a newborn.

Queeniebed · 26/01/2018 09:06

YANBU however, from my own experience, I would have excused myself and gone to bed with baby (im a terrible host)

StrawberryMummy90 · 26/01/2018 09:08

Sorry OP, I think you need a chat to DH about being more supportive and proactive, it's incredibly hard in those early days

Right..so he spends an extra hour with his mum once a week, this doesn’t impact OP or the baby in any way and now he’s unsupportive and not proactive?

Ridiculous post.

RadioGaGoo · 26/01/2018 09:13

Well, it's obviously impacting the OP Strawberry.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2018 09:14

“My DH wanted her to stay and that's the problem; he doesn't see anything wrong with it especially if I've taken myself up to bed anyway“

I can’t see the problem either!

StrawberryMummy90 · 26/01/2018 09:16

Toomanycreambuns Sadly, not everyone can be as fantastic as you obviously are at coping with a newborn

She had to ‘cope’ for an hour. Whilst her and baby were asleep.

OP you’re sleep deprived and hormones all over the place but these other posters have no excuse it really is a non issue.

Booboostwo · 26/01/2018 09:17

But your DH wanted her to stay and was happy to entertain her after you went to bed. I don't see the problem either. YABU, hormonal and tired but BU.

SpareASquare · 26/01/2018 09:18

It's once a week so I don't think it's a big deal. You go to bed when YOU are ready and leave DH to it.

StrawberryMummy90 · 26/01/2018 09:20

Well, it's obviously impacting the OP Strawberry

Yes, obviously Hmm But it doesn’t need to and the logical posters on here are trying to explain that to the OP.

therealposieparker · 26/01/2018 09:21

Your Dh should have said that it was time for bed, offered to walk her home or to her car or something.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2018 09:22

“Your Dh should have said that it was time for bed, offered to walk her home or to her car or something.”

Why?

therealposieparker · 26/01/2018 09:23

Because, in my experience, MIL's take this sort of advice better from a son than a DIL.

Sirzy · 26/01/2018 09:24

But why should she have been told to leave when the op could go to bed and her do WANTED to stay up?

DerelictWreck · 26/01/2018 09:25

My DH wanted her to stay and that's the problem; he doesn't see anything wrong with it especially if I've taken myself up to bed anyway.

I agree with him! YANBU to not want to entertain her till 10pm,, but you ABU to begrudge her spending time with her son when you've gone to bed!

therealposieparker · 26/01/2018 09:25

10 days post baby and in my DH's eyes I'm the most important person in the world. He takes care of me so I can take care of the baby. If I'm tired at 9pm then he's in bed with me.... but I guess I'm very lucky. Hmm

ewanthesheepiloveyou · 26/01/2018 09:25

Sorry OP but YABU. I know how it is with a new baby & visitors, believe me. We had visitors waiting on the doorstep when we arrived back from the hospital with no.1. We have no.6 now, so we're well versed with visitors.

You're tired & you're well within your right to take yourself off to bed at any time. But let your MIL stay & your husband should be allowed to have his mum stay to chat for as long as they both want. He's her son. Can you imagine at some point in the future, wanting to visit your son or daughter's new baby & their partner clearly don't want you be there? Or are making it clear that they want you to leave?

Believe me, I'm not getting at you. My MIL is over a lot...but I remind myself that my husband is her baby, whatever age he is...and she gets to be an important part of his life too.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2018 09:25

I mean, why should anyone have asked her to leave?

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