Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

AIBU MIL and new baby

156 replies

feelingold101 · 26/01/2018 07:20

I have no clue if IABU and just tired and sleep deprived or if I have a good point so wanted some opinions.

MIL usually comes round once a week to see us and older DD, we have had a new baby and she is 10days old. MIL came round last night after work like she usually would, DH checked with me whether this was ok. She didn't leave until 10:00pm. I just think it's completely inappropriate, she could see how tired I was and that me and DH were abit snappy with each other as the night got later (nothing in this we are just both extremely sleep deprived right now).
I'm seriously annoyed that she stayed so late, she has form for this, 9/10 outstays her welcome and ignores hints to leave. I'm annoyed with DH as he could tell I had enough but was conveniently ignoring me so in the end at 9:15 I said I was going to bed as the baby had a feed and had gone to sleep.

AIBU? I don't want to say anything and cause an argument with DH over something I'm being silly about

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/01/2018 13:27

I can see why you'd be upset about this. I think though unless it's pointed out to her she doesn't realise that it's annoying you so much.

Someone needs to tell her that you're tired ( obviously having just given birth ) and that you're off to bed.

Congratulations on the baby!

Ihatemarmite123 · 26/01/2018 14:01

Sounds very inconsiderate.

Ponshuspirate · 26/01/2018 14:16

So DH isn’t allowed to choose his own bedtime then? He must go to bed when OP does? I would be seriously pissed off if I had my family over and DH stood up when he was ready to go to bed and pretty much demanded I go up as well

Sorry, I should have said that the OP and her DH need to present a united front. Let's not forget as well, that it's the OP who has had the baby not the DH. I remember all too well how completely exhausted I felt after giving birth, not to mention a touch of PND.

Rachie1973 · 26/01/2018 14:30

She had a baby, not open heart surgery. Yes it's tiring, and yes it makes you hormonal.

What it doesn't do is remove all your brain cells and make you incapable of going to bed alone.

Seriously, the bloke sees his mother once a week for a 3-4 hour time frame and his wife is unhappy with that?

RadioGaGoo · 26/01/2018 14:39

Don't hold back some of you. She's had 10 days to get used to her newborn, so go for the jugular.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2018 15:22

It's not going for the jugular to say that she might want to rethink going to bed 45 minutes earlier than her partner one night a week........

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2018 15:24

Rethink not wanting to go to bed 45 minutes earlier than her partner one night a week-that should have said.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/01/2018 15:40

It's not going for the jugular to gently explain that in this particular instance, the DH and MIL are doing nothing wrong.

On this one night a week, the OP just needs to go off to bed and leave them to it.

It's unreasonable to expect the two of them to go to bed at the same time every single night. And it's unreasonable to expect the MIL to guess why the OP is seething with resentment towards her.

RadioGaGoo · 26/01/2018 15:47

Cuntess. It's not all gentle explaining is it? I agree with the message, some people's delivery sucks.

Olympiathequeen · 26/01/2018 19:37

If OPs baby is a boy, how does it feel to know she may be visiting him for a few hours a week when he is an adult and knowing his wife was seething with resentment towards her?

What goes around comes around.

Xenadog · 26/01/2018 19:49

OP, if you want visitors then have them, if not then explain you aren’t up to visitors or that you can only have people over if they’re going to leave by a certain time.

If you’re tired go to bed taking baby with you. It sounds simple because it really is. Tell your DH clearly what it is you need from him and then get on with things. If he won’t support you , then that’s another issue, but put your own needs and the baby’s first. At this point you and the baby are entitled to be the priority.

StrawberryMummy90 · 26/01/2018 20:53

Yes I too was exhausted and had PND after the birth of my first child, but OP is upset that her DH wanted to spend one hour whilst she was asleep with his mum when he only does this once a week. She is being unreasonable to be annoyed about this!

There’s nothing to ‘present a united front’ about. It’s going to bed. Not war.

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2018 21:45

I think after pushing a person into the world you get to be legitimately unreasonable for a lot longer than 11 days.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2018 21:49

"If you’re tired go to bed taking baby with you."

She did. Absolutely fine. No problem. She could have gone at 6.30 if she had wanted to. The issue here is expecting her dp to go with her.

tillytrotter1 · 26/01/2018 21:52

Unless they're in our home for an organised event or whatever I think 10pm is late for any casual visitors to go home! We used to have friends who would 'drop in' late afternoon then sit and sit until eventually at around 8pm we had to feed them and their 2 children, drove us mad.

fabulous01 · 26/01/2018 21:55

I once escorted mine out of house at 8:30
I don’t give a hoot what they thought.

AnathemaPulsifer · 26/01/2018 22:28

We used to have friends who would 'drop in' late afternoon then sit and sit until eventually at around 8pm we had to feed them and their 2 children, drove us mad.

Good grief people, just be honest with people. ‘Time for our dinner now and I’m afraid what I have won’t stretch to an extra 4 people. You’re welcome to stay until it’s nearly ready though if you fancy one last cuppa?’

BertrandRussell · 27/01/2018 10:04

“We used to have friends who would 'drop in' late afternoon then sit and sit until eventually at around 8pm we had to feed them and their 2 children, drove us mad.”

Yes, that is incredibly rude and completely unacceptable.

But nothing at all like the OP’s situation.

Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2018 10:45

In the early days, with our new baby all I wanted was to bond with my child and be a little family of three.

My dh did the dinner and our baby was perhaps treated like a ticking time bomb we needed to carefully watch, guard and coo over! It was a magical time and never quite to be repeated.

I would of completely resented any person, even family, who had come for anything but a brief visit to see baby. I wanted to be in my home with my family. Not with extended family of well wishers.

If this is how the OP feels, I respect her for that.

This is a time when a man moves onto becoming a father (and a woman moves onto being mother) and people are learning new roles.

Of course he will still be his mother's son, but also he will now always be his baby's father. And he's been his mother's son for 20 plus years, I assume, and he's not been his baby's father for twenty plus days yet!

So it's all about this new family unit, and not about his wider family.

And if my children ever make me a grandma, I hope I would respect that, at least for a few early precious weeks before 'normal life' resumes.

Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2018 10:47

@feelingold101 is that how you feel or am I just projecting onto you how I felt?

Bebopaloula · 27/01/2018 15:43

@allthecheese omg, my MIL was exactly the same. Had a cold sore and couldn’t understand why I was annoyed when she kissed my DD who was only weeks old. In reference to the OP, u were right to go to bed. I would have done the exact same thing. If she can’t take the hint from that, she’s just being rude IMO

Susangilley7 · 27/01/2018 18:13

I just used to go to bed and leave them to it. Very inconsiderate of her.

SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes · 27/01/2018 18:14

I know this doesnt pertain to the Op. Just reminded me of serious double standards.
When I had ds we had visitors immediately. Dh couldn't wait to show off his baby to everyone. I was exhausted and went to bed with ds at about 7.30. (Three days after the birth). About half an hour later the light flicks on and I see dh, his sis and her bf cooing over ds. I tell dh to take him downstairs as they'd woken him (and me) anyway. I was seriously pissed off and told dh not to let that happen again. He apologised and said his sister had driven over an hour to meet her nephew (she didn't tell us she was coming never mind so late in the day AND with her Keith Chegwin lookalike future dh). Apparently she was very upset and persuaded dh to let them see the baby. I understand why he relented but I was fuming. Anyhoo her and faux cheggers get serious and she has her own baby. Dh rings her to say congratulations. Before he can even say anything else he us told that we are pencilled in for a 20 minute visit in 3 weeks time. They also wanted to know what gifts we were buying so they could veto if necessary. When we went for our visit dh was the only one granted a cuddle. By this time I was nearly 8 months pg with dd. I was asked how I was doing and was I looking forward to the birth. I said yes and that I admired their no visitor policy (I really did as it was hectic and intrusive for us at times) and said it'd stop people walking into my bedroom unannounced that's for sure. Dh didn't know where to look and was glad we had a limited amount of time there

PurplePenguins · 27/01/2018 18:37

YANBU but I would wait until you're a bit calmer before talking to DH. Maybe tel MIL she can't come this week and have a week off.xxx

ButterflyOnTheWindow · 27/01/2018 23:00

Doesn't anyone on mn have a mil they're glad to see? Gets treated like an important member of the family? I really don't understand how they're classed as 'guest' or 'visitor'. It's your blimming husband's Mum, and the baby's gran!
Mine gets right up my nose sometimes, the way she thinks her own little darling Prince (dh) is perfect and can do no wrong. She makes pointed comments about my housekeeping habits. And I joyfully ignore them and tell her that in these more enlightened days, men 'do' sometimes iron their own shirts. But her heart and her intentions are in the right place and I wouldn't dream of making her feel like some unwanted random. Cousins, Aunts and Uncles maybe I can. But my dh's Mum is a welcome part of our family even when she gets on my tits. It's not black and white. Nobody's perfect. Not even me. I'm looking at all this in retrospect as my dc are all grown up now, and they have a brilliant relationship with their gran, often visiting her now that she's very, very old (90|!)
They love her dearly and she loves them. Even when I was recovering at home from a C-section (25 years ago) she was the first person on the doorstep.
I just can't imagine me or dh sending her away with a flea in her ear saying "I'm not up for visitors today" She came to see her son and her new baby dgd and maybe ask if there was anything she could do to help. And even if there wasn't, I didn't mind her being there.
When you have a brand new baby and a toddler there simply "IS" no day and there "IS" no night. It all melds into one sleepless nightmare.
I can't imagine me saying "right, it's 9pm, we have to clear the house of visitors. And you, dh, you have to come to bed with me because I'm going to bed and the only way you can show me total support is by chucking out your mother and coming to bed with me. So tell her to fuck off home and get up them stairs"

Also this thing about " We are a brand new family and we want to live in the bubble of just us four and we don't want no interlopers"
Within ag month you'll be crying out for fecking interlopers.
Let them in early doors. Before you've treated granny like an unwanted door to door Avon rep.

I'm guessing that mumsnet has more 20 to 40s than 60 to 70s.
It shows up in the posts. Most of the negative mil posts are from quite young people, is what I think. Family and community spirit seems to gone up the spout with everything else. In my day, extended family was heavily involved in looking after the newborn.

My own children were born after my mother had already died.
So they did not have the opportunity to know her.

So. OP. Chill out and get a fucking grip. It's once a week!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread