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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU MIL and new baby

156 replies

feelingold101 · 26/01/2018 07:20

I have no clue if IABU and just tired and sleep deprived or if I have a good point so wanted some opinions.

MIL usually comes round once a week to see us and older DD, we have had a new baby and she is 10days old. MIL came round last night after work like she usually would, DH checked with me whether this was ok. She didn't leave until 10:00pm. I just think it's completely inappropriate, she could see how tired I was and that me and DH were abit snappy with each other as the night got later (nothing in this we are just both extremely sleep deprived right now).
I'm seriously annoyed that she stayed so late, she has form for this, 9/10 outstays her welcome and ignores hints to leave. I'm annoyed with DH as he could tell I had enough but was conveniently ignoring me so in the end at 9:15 I said I was going to bed as the baby had a feed and had gone to sleep.

AIBU? I don't want to say anything and cause an argument with DH over something I'm being silly about

OP posts:

Original poster

feelingold101 · 26/01/2018 08:08

Thanks everyone, I think the problem is she has a 45minute drive to our house so always feel like it's not fair to ask her to only stay for a little bit, she got here at 6:30ish and had dinner with us. The thing is I really don't mind her coming round once a week, she's great with our older DD. My DH wanted her to stay and that's the problem; he doesn't see anything wrong with it especially if I've taken myself up to bed anyway.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 26/01/2018 08:08

It's once a week. One night wouldn't bother me.

kaytee87 · 26/01/2018 08:13

If it's such a long drive would a weekend visit be better? She could then spend time with older dd who I must have been in bed most of the time she was there anyway.

grannytomine · 26/01/2018 08:14

My MIL has already met the baby, she turned up for a visit on day 3 (with a cold sore that I didn't notice until after she had kissed the baby) I'd be furious with that.

DownInFraggleRock · 26/01/2018 08:15

Now is exactly the time when you can get away with being ‘rude’... just apologise and take yourself off to bed at whatever time it is you’d like her to go at, then rinse and repeat each time until a new habit is formed.

ButterflyOnTheWindow · 26/01/2018 08:17

She probably feels like she's family. Maybe your dh wanted to spend time with her? I'd just go to bed when I wanted to. Unless they were making a lot of noise and stopping you sleeping I wouldn't see a big problem. However, I wouldn't say you were being unreasonable either. We're all different and relationships are all different. MIL staying till 10 wouldn't have bothered me - she wouldn't have expected me to stay up if I was tired. DH would have been the one who said "I'm knackered Mum, I'm off to bed" And she'd have gone.

whiskyowl · 26/01/2018 08:20

YANBU BUT you need to put on your big girl pants and set some clear boundaries. "MIL, it's been lovely to see you, but it's 8.00 and I need to get to bed soon." Then get up, and use body language to get her up too (your DH needs to be on board with this). "When will we see you next?" And usher her towards the door.

ButterflyOnTheWindow · 26/01/2018 08:22

My DH wanted her to stay and that's the problem; he doesn't see anything wrong with it especially if I've taken myself up to bed anyway

I have to agree with him. Would you like him to ask your Mum to leave when he went to bed? If you wanted your Mum to stay?
It doesn't sound good that way around, does it?

ButterflyOnTheWindow · 26/01/2018 08:23

your DH needs to be on board with this

The dh isn't on board with this because he wanted his Mum to stay for a while.

Sirzy · 26/01/2018 08:24

Do you went to bed when you wanted and no fuss was made so really it’s a bit of a non issue.

Resurgam2016 · 26/01/2018 08:34

Is the problem not with your MIL but you with your DH? She came, you were tired and went to bed ( understandable) but he stayed up chatting. It's his mum. If he wanted her to go he could have said but didn't because he wanted to stay and chat. You are cross with him but blame her.

diddl · 26/01/2018 08:40

Do they disturb you if they are still up chatting?

If not, what's the problem?

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 26/01/2018 08:40

Actually I think YABU, you went to bed so it's not like you we're expected to host. When DS was newborn I'd go to bed whenever I could, no visitors ever minded me leaving them to DH.

Original poster

feelingold101 · 26/01/2018 08:41

I'm annoyed because I feel like everyone else in our lives aknowledges the fact we have a newborn and makes sure to just pop in for a couple hours maximum but that she stays regardless of the fact that she can clearly tell I want her to leave. I think 9 would have been an appropriate time for her to go, I would have liked her to have gone before I went to bed so that I could have had some time with DH and well and truly I would have liked him to come up with me so that we could go over our plan for the night (baby isn't sleeping)

OP posts:

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 26/01/2018 08:43

Also you seem to be forgetting that this is your DH's mum - of course he wants to spend time with her, you can't start prescribing when and how long unless he's neglecting you/DC (I.e. chatting instead of helping).

diddl · 26/01/2018 08:44

Well then you need to talk to you husband.

How was MIL supposed to know what you had planned for your husband?

silkpyjamasallday · 26/01/2018 08:46

I was going to say just go to bed, I did this in the early days with DD as DPs family are all like your MIL and massively outstay their welcomes or turn up unannounced, I'd hide upstairs with a 'sleepy baby' until they'd left to discourage their behaviour as there was no reward of seeing the baby if they randomly turned up. Sadly this no longer works with a very Vivian toddler. Unless your DH and MIL are keeping you up you can't really complain as it isn't affecting you directly. It's annoying and rude but one of those things you have to put up with unfortunately.

silkpyjamasallday · 26/01/2018 08:46

Very vocal not Vivian!

RadioGaGoo · 26/01/2018 08:48

MIL might not be a mind reader, but it doesn't take one to realise that new parents need downtime, not to play host into the night.

Pretty insensitive of her I think OP.

WilyMinx · 26/01/2018 08:49

ButterflyOnTheWindow
I have to agree with him. Would you like him to ask your Mum to leave when he went to bed? If you wanted your Mum to stay?
It doesn't sound good that way around, does it?

Sorry, have to agree with Butterfly. You can go to bed and let them have some mother-son time. If this was every day, I would encourage you to tell her to get lost but it's only once a week. Imagine one day, you're the mother in this situation and your child's partner expected you to leave their house before he heads for bed.

blueskyinmarch · 26/01/2018 08:49

This is about what you wanted - which is fair enough, but it's not what your DH wanted and he is allowed a say too. He wanted to stay up a while chatting to his mum after you had gone to bed with the baby. Surely you could have taken a few minutes before you went to bed to have a quick chat about the night plan?

ButterflyOnTheWindow · 26/01/2018 08:54

I would have liked him to come up with me so that we could go over our plan for the night (baby isn't sleeping)

I really do know what it's like to have a toddler and a baby who doesn't sleep much. But how long can it take to 'go over plans for the night'? I'm not having a go, I know how tired you can get, and how little things can get on your nerves.

I don't think we ever had plans for the night beyond keeping our fingers crossed and taking it in turns at the weekend.

Laiste · 26/01/2018 08:55

We have to remember OP is only 10 days after giving birth.

At that stage DH and i still hardly remembered what a normal morning or evening looked like

I still needed DH onside with the details of the bedtime routine, and to have a bit of quiet time together with him, and him sitting chatting with anyone till after i'd gone to bed would have stressed me out a bit tbh. Unreasonable - maybe - but in a few days this highly charged hormonal stressy time wil gradually fade and normal operations will return.

Laiste · 26/01/2018 08:56

butterfly OP hasn't had more than one weekend with this baby yet

It's VERY early days. I was bloody weird for about 3 weeks.

mommybear1 · 26/01/2018 08:57

YANBU if she won't take hints and has form for this unless you want to confront her I'd come up with an exit plan when she comes. I had the same issue with PIL and told DH visits had to be limited to 1 hour. He backed me on this as was equally peed off they had stayed so long despite hints to leave and continually asked for cups of tea / food etc didn't bother their arses to make their own / bring anything. One occasion when he didn't I took the Baby upstairs with me for a feed and a nap left them to it and will do so again if they go over the hour. Have also told hubby I will take the baby out for a walk in the alternative if it keeps happening.That's my exit plan .

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