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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU MIL and new baby

156 replies

feelingold101 · 26/01/2018 07:20

I have no clue if IABU and just tired and sleep deprived or if I have a good point so wanted some opinions.

MIL usually comes round once a week to see us and older DD, we have had a new baby and she is 10days old. MIL came round last night after work like she usually would, DH checked with me whether this was ok. She didn't leave until 10:00pm. I just think it's completely inappropriate, she could see how tired I was and that me and DH were abit snappy with each other as the night got later (nothing in this we are just both extremely sleep deprived right now).
I'm seriously annoyed that she stayed so late, she has form for this, 9/10 outstays her welcome and ignores hints to leave. I'm annoyed with DH as he could tell I had enough but was conveniently ignoring me so in the end at 9:15 I said I was going to bed as the baby had a feed and had gone to sleep.

AIBU? I don't want to say anything and cause an argument with DH over something I'm being silly about

OP posts:
StrawberryMummy90 · 26/01/2018 09:26

Because, in my experience, MIL's take this sort of advice better from a son than a DIL

You’re missing the point. Why should he get her to leave if he wants to spend an extra hour with her? Doesn’t impact OP or baby at all. Why should his evening with his mum be cut short because OP says so?

If he wanted her to leave and was also tired then he could of told her.

Sirzy · 26/01/2018 09:26

Is his having an hour to himself really an issue though? Maybe he just needed that extra time to chill and chat!

Skittlesandbeer · 26/01/2018 09:26

Good Lord. Tell your DH that your role is to get the baby on your tit, and his role is to detach his lips from his mothers’.

Text is best for this... don’t wait till she ding dongs the bell. No long explanation. Just: ‘we’re instituting a routine advised by HV. Happy for you to come next wed (change the day to underline the need for change). Going to have to kick you out at 8.15pm though. You ok with that? Know you want the best for ‘baby xxxx’, you’ve been so supportive to date. Help us help her please? Thanks mum xxx’

Make sure you put a timer (with buzzer) in plain sight. Have it go off just after she arrives, and do something baby-related based on that. Have it go off again while she’s there, and ask her to do the thing (check the nappy, temperature, anything). At 8.13 timer again. Big smiles, open the front door. She’ll get it.

Sometimes it’s better to look a bit insane (she’ll have something to moan about to her friends, it’ll make her happy!) than appear rude and risk really hurting her feelings (or giving her an excuse for dramatic sobbing).

Trust me, your sleep deprivation will make your ‘insane routine’ a remarkably believable thing. To you, and to her.

Best of luck, may 40 mins sleep feel like 4 hours tonight!

RadioGaGoo · 26/01/2018 09:28

Okay then StrawberryMummy.

Piffle11 · 26/01/2018 09:29

You need to just continue with your usual routine and leave her to it. Don't just 'hint': say, right, time for bed and disappear upstairs. My PIL used to turn up whenever they felt like it: they would come after 6pm despite knowing that's when I would start DS's evening routine. I would tell them it wasn't convenient and they would insist on coming in: 'we have come to see our GC' they would say. I wish I had been more forceful as it has caused lots of problems over the years, so I say stamp it out now. As someone else said, go to bed and leave your DH to sort her out. He will soon get sick of it!

meredintofpandiculation · 26/01/2018 09:29

Some people find it really hard to understand the "between the lines" communication that we use in our efforts to be polite, and need things spelling out literally. They're not nasty or selfish people, they just find verbal communication hard, eg "Must you go?" is taken literally, they don't understand that you're saying "right, you've outstayed your welcome". She's family, don't feel you have to hint to be polite, just say things clearly.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2018 09:29

“Good Lord. Tell your DH that your role is to get the baby on your tit, and his role is to detach his lips from his mothers’.“

Fuck ne, that’s a horrible sentence! And the rest of your post is just unhinged!

therealposieparker · 26/01/2018 09:32

It's ten days after the birth of a baby not ten weeks. This is not the time for the MIL to out stay here welcome, is it? Rather insensitive if you ask me.

StrawberryMummy90 · 26/01/2018 09:33

10 days post baby and in my DH's eyes I'm the most important person in the world. He takes care of me so I can take care of the baby. If I'm tired at 9pm then he's in bed with me.... but I guess I'm very lucky

My 6 month old wakes throughout the night and has done since she was born. DH does most if not all of the night wakings.

But I certainly don’t need him to come to bed with me when I do even if he’s not tired, I’m not a child.

Cherrycokewinning · 26/01/2018 09:34

This happened to me with my MILs. Once I just asked them to leave. I had to sleep downstairs due to birth injury (with baby) so couldn’t just go up and leave them to it. I still cringe when I think of what I said to them (which was a slightly terse “are you going soon?”) but on balance, I think it needed to be said

RadioGaGoo · 26/01/2018 09:35

Gosh, this thread has really angered some folks.

octonaught · 26/01/2018 09:37

Really sorry you're so tired OP. I didn't even consider visitors till DS was 3 weeks old.
However, from their POV, if mil is used to staying till 10pm after a 45min drive, they are unaware.
TANBU and YANBU either, it's just trying to manage different expectations.

BertrandRussell · 26/01/2018 09:38

“If I'm tired at 9pm then he's in bed with me.... but I guess I'm very lucky”

I don’t think that makes you lucky, to be honest!

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/01/2018 09:42

I have every sympathy with you OP - on the one night a week she comes over, just go to bed when you're tired, and leave them to it

It doesn't matter if you don't go to bed at the same time one night. And it doesn't matter if you don't make a plan for the night that one night.

Really, it doesn't. Just roll with it and get your sleep. Otherwise you'll be seething with unnecessary resentment.

Olympiathequeen · 26/01/2018 09:43

I really can’t see what the problem is.

If your DH wants to stay up late and chat with his mum and you can just leave them to it and go to bed at 9, where is the issue?

DH gets to chat to his mum, she gets to see her son and his family, you and the baby go to bed.

Just not worth picking a fight with your DH over this imo. Any ‘plan’ for the night could have been discussed at any time.

It does sound more a resentment that your DH spends 3 1/2 hours a week talking to his mum and a touch of new baby syndrome.

therealposieparker · 26/01/2018 09:44

Well it makes me happy and is what I would want, so that's good right?
Relationships are not really a universal set of rules, are they?

I would have wanted my DH with me because I wouldn't want to have been woken later on, and so that's where he'd be. This would go the other way too. Neither of us like going to bed without each other and if we do we wake every five minutes.

This OP is pissed off because her baby is ten days old, she's exhausted and wanted her MIL to go home. Therefore that's what should happen.

mindutopia · 26/01/2018 09:53

I would just go to bed. When mine was that age, I was in bed by 7pm. Either with her or she would stay with my dh sleeping in the wrap until her next feed. I don't think you need to be entertaining anyone. If you don't want her there and you don't feel like you can tell her directly to leave (or your dh), just go have a shower and go to bed (with or without baby). She'll hopefully get the idea.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/01/2018 10:03

My DH wanted her to stay and that's the problem; he doesn't see anything wrong with it especially if I've taken myself up to bed anyway.

Saying this gently and kindly - there is no problem with it. Take yourself up to bed, go to sleep, and mean them to it.

What's the issue, really?

Rachie1973 · 26/01/2018 10:04

Good grief what a load of crap over nothing.

She comes once a week.... she seems ok with the family dynamic ie: not undermining parents, not being overbearing etc.

Have a read of some of the outrageous MIL threads on here and get some perspective!

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2018 10:05

@feelingold101 YANBU.

In your shoes, I'd tell dh how you feel, really calmly. Yes, having a new baby has affected him but you are the one who has gone through the birth and his attention should be on you and the new baby, and your older dd, not on his mum.

Does MIL come round uninvited,? If so, ask her to only come when invited.

When you invite, explain clearly we are both feeling very tired so are going to bed early and there is lots to do, please come for dinner at 6.30 but I'll need to ask you to leave around 8.30/whatever because, although it is lovely to see you, I was really tired after your last visit!

I'd tell dh this is what you will say and you expect to be backed up.

Then if she stays later just say 'Must get to bed now.' Make sure kids go up to bed and dh helps with all this and if your MIL is still there when kids are in bed and you are tired, just go to bed and leave dh chatting to his mum.

YouTheCat · 26/01/2018 10:07

Why can't she come at the weekend? I really don't think I could have been bothered with anyone visiting for that long 10 days post birth and then having to feed them too.

Notonthestairs · 26/01/2018 10:12

Saying this gently and kindly - there is no problem with it. Take yourself up to bed, go to sleep, and mean them to it.

Have whatever chat you need about covering feeds, etc in front of her and then go and rest. Its one hour, one night in seven.

Olympiathequeen · 26/01/2018 11:48

italiangreyhound. MIL drives 1. 1/2 hours, once a week to see her son and his family for a total of 3. 1/2 hours. It’s a regular ongoing invitation.

Can a new mother not cope without her DHs undivided attention for that short time? Presumably he is on paternity leave and even if not it’s a very short time.

OP is free to go to bed whenever she chooses. Her feet are not nailed to the floor.

ButterflyOnTheWindow · 26/01/2018 13:20

See, I don't consider my mil a guest because she's family. I don't need to stand on ceremony when she comes and she can stay as long as dh wants her there. He's the same with my family. It's obvs not the same for everybody.

debbs77 · 26/01/2018 13:22

Stop hinting and get your OH to tell her. Like others have said, just make your excuses and go to bed

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