Mother didn't turn up for birth - am I right to be angry?

[ShouldIBeUpset]

This happened a while ago but I still feel quite upset and angry about it. In brief:

Me expecting 4th DC. Mother agreed to travel down from her home 5 hours away to look after my 3 older DC while I give birth. I go overdue and eventually induction is agreed for the following day.

I inform DM. It is a weekend so its fine for my stepfather to drive her down. I only expect help for the period I am actually giving birth so DH can be with me and we know DC are safe. Maximum of 24 hours. A previous pregnancy resulted in the neonatal death of DD2 so gibing birth is quite triggering for me which DM knows.

DH took me to hospital and left to come back at visting time with DC. Induction takes off quite quickly and by the end of visiting time I am in full blown labour. DH has to leave to take DC home hoping DM will turn up at any minute. She's not answering phone and should have left in the morning. Its 8pm by this time.

I end up giving birth alone as DH can't come back due to DM not arriving. Labour was very quick.

The next morning DM texts to say they arrived the evening before but they were tired so booked into a hotel!

I tell her that I am about to be discharged so will see her at my house. They turned up for 30 mins max, refusing a cup of tea and a hold of snuggly baby, saying they had to get a move on to get to my younger sisters to babysit for her (I live on the way down to sister's).

She thinks because all was OK, this was perfectly fine BTW!

She doesn't deserve the title of Mother. And I'd be telling everyone what she did, especially family.

Sorry to be blunt, but your mother is an arsehole.

I couldn't forgive that ever.

That is unbelievably selfish of her.

We have a similar situation and while my mum will help if I'm desperate and it suits her I've just got used to not having that help at all. She will however jump to help my sister at a seconds notice.

It sucks but at least she cant ever throw it back at you that she had to help. I'd rather be in that position.

Please try to enjoy your new baby and your other children and dont let the selfishness of your mum make you feel bad.

However can I respectfully point out that "making a big deal out of going NC" isn't so much a stylistic choice for some of us as an act of desperation. I had to get the police involved to get mine to leave us alone, it was rather terrifying. Not everyone who "goes NC" makes a habit of cutting people off or has a brittle interpersonal style.
Greensleeves, I'm sorry, I expressed myself badly. I didn't mean that NC is the drama-queeny option, just that I chose not to initiate contact and relied on her finding everything more interesting than me. I didn't want to "make a scene" and tell her I was cutting contact because that would have just given her an opening to make it All About Her. I totally understand the damage of dealing with this sort of thing long term.

Gah, bold fail! First para was supposed to be a quote.

No, I'm sorry, that was a bit of a me-rail on my part. Can't see the wood for the trees where mad mothers are concerned sometimes

Yeah, they can have that effect!

What was her explanation when you asked her why she wasn't there at the birth?

There must be something more to this: controlling partner/confusion/ illness/serious anxiety?

So sorry for your loss op

The not answering her phone is a red flag I think; something strange going on. If she simply didn't care, then why come at all?

id find that quite hard to forgive

Have you actually had it out with her? Heard her excuses reasons?

I'd have to tell her how I now felt and I'd be reducing contact to just about zero.

I'm so sorry OP you deserve flowers, all the flowers.

Has she ever apologised to you for this? Have you ever confronted her? Also does she have form for being so selfish and putting your sister first?

I'm not sure I could forgive that. Maybe you should do as some pp suggest and send this thread to her.

That is awful. I have a very difficult relationship with my dm but even she dropped everything to come and look after dc1 when I was going into hospital to look after dc2.

I'm very sorry for your loss but hope all is well with your new dc. Congratulations

You need to phone her and have your say. She's obviously clueless. It doesn't matter if some time has passed. She needs to know how upset you are.

Oh op I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Firstly, huge congratulations on your new bundle

Secondly, there is no way I could ever forgive this. Or forget. Please don’t feel guilty - or let her make you feel guilty - if you can’t either. Absolutely disgusting behaviour and, as someone else has already said, shows that she is entirely undeserving of the title of “mother”

for you, you’re in the right here

Utterly, utterly unforgivable. I could never be in the same room as that woman again if I were you. Wishing you well with your beautiful baby and I hope this hasn't spoilt the time for you entirely.