Mother didn't turn up for birth - am I right to be angry?

[ShouldIBeUpset]

This happened a while ago but I still feel quite upset and angry about it. In brief:

Me expecting 4th DC. Mother agreed to travel down from her home 5 hours away to look after my 3 older DC while I give birth. I go overdue and eventually induction is agreed for the following day.

I inform DM. It is a weekend so its fine for my stepfather to drive her down. I only expect help for the period I am actually giving birth so DH can be with me and we know DC are safe. Maximum of 24 hours. A previous pregnancy resulted in the neonatal death of DD2 so gibing birth is quite triggering for me which DM knows.

DH took me to hospital and left to come back at visting time with DC. Induction takes off quite quickly and by the end of visiting time I am in full blown labour. DH has to leave to take DC home hoping DM will turn up at any minute. She's not answering phone and should have left in the morning. Its 8pm by this time.

I end up giving birth alone as DH can't come back due to DM not arriving. Labour was very quick.

The next morning DM texts to say they arrived the evening before but they were tired so booked into a hotel!

I tell her that I am about to be discharged so will see her at my house. They turned up for 30 mins max, refusing a cup of tea and a hold of snuggly baby, saying they had to get a move on to get to my younger sisters to babysit for her (I live on the way down to sister's).

She thinks because all was OK, this was perfectly fine BTW!

So sorry OP - YANBU at all - in your shoes I'd be hurt and angry too. Congratulations on your baby 💐

So OP, I think we've established what a selfish bitch she is; but you say this is some time ago. What's been happening since? Did you just carry on as if nothing was wrong?

Congratulations on your baby! I’m so sorry your DM let you down so badly. Unfortunately being your mother doesn’t make her your friend, my DM is very similar.

Wow, you would not be unreasonable to never get over that. Don't let it fester though. Sounds like the only person you feeling angry will upset is you - and you have four wonderful children to enjoy. She won't get it, people who behave like that never do. When you react they think you are the one with the problem, because they are so sure they can't possibly have done anything wrong! Yanbu to be upset at all, I would be so upset.

You have my complete sympathy. Yanbu in the slightest. She has behaved appallingly.

As somebody who is constantly being let down by their mother it always hits a cord with me when I read about mothers not giving a shit, but your circumstances make her betrayal absolutely one hundred percent unforgivable.

If you can get past that then you're a better person than I'll ever be.

Congratulations on your new baby and I'm very sorry for the loss of your daughter x

What awful behaviour and you must feel incredibly let down. The people that are trying to come up with excuses for her are wrong, there is no excuse for this. Some people will akways try and blame a man to, as if the woman couldn't possibly just be a nasty piece of work. Does she normally favour your sister OP?

OP, I have very similar experiences (right down to the loss of a baby daughter) and my mother sounds very like yours. I don't believe she ever intended to come, there would always have been some "reason" why she didn't get there and obviously none of it would be her fault. (Mine didn't drive the 2 miles to the hospital when my daughter died, because she "had a business to run and that's more important". I try to always forgive, but that one still eats me up 10 years later.)

I could probably get past the not turning up, but the total lack of interest in a newborn grandchild would be the end for me. Making a big deal out of "going NC" isn't my style, but I wouldn't be deliberately making contact for a very, very long time.

If it helps, try to remember that these women just do not have the thing that makes ordinary people behave decently. It isn't in them. So looking for something they don't have and therefore can't give (to us at least) is futile. Obviously that doesn't make them good mothers or even nice people, but it helps me to think of my mother as another species, one without empathy.

I'm so sorry for both of you who have been through such similar and difficult experiences. You don't have to put up with being treated like this any more. It's really okay to call time. It's not you.

But was the agreement she would takeover the childcare once you had been admitted to be induced - until delivery - if so that could take 1-2 days for labour to start although it could happen quickly as in your case . Maybe she didn't stay long as she felt bad or picked up on the negative vibes . Have you ever asked her ? Have you ever told her how you feel / felt ?

That’s really poor. Borderline NC for me.

My wife went into labour yesterday early morning. Called her parents and they left at 5:30am for the hour drive to us. They’re staying for a few days to help look after DD1 while DW gets the hang of breastfeeding etc. Also had my parents on standby just in case.

That’s terrible from your ‘D’M

I can't believe some posters are actually defending your mum! Honestly most parents I know would happily drive 5 hours and also stay up all night for the birth of their daughters child.

YANBU but maybe a but U to not be more angry.

It's indefensible. bengalcat your comments are ridiculous.

Schlimbesserung, what you've been through is appalling and I have huge sympathy fr you and the way your mother treated you

However can I respectfully point out that "making a big deal out of going NC" isn't so much a stylistic choice for some of us as an act of desperation. I had to get the police involved to get mine to leave us alone, it was rather terrifying. Not everyone who "goes NC" makes a habit of cutting people off or has a brittle interpersonal style.

The idea that Op's wasn't needed because the Op had already given birth is ridiculous. And they didn't answer the phone when they were contacted. They could have picked up the phone, explained that they needed a rest and then got on with helping the Op.

Honestly without a full hearted apology I couldn't forgive that.

I would refuse to see her again at all. Would tell her to leave me alone and never turn up again.

My heart bleeds for you and your DH.
Not sure I could move forward after this.

If my mother did this to me she would no longer be a mother of mine. I mean that 100%. Cut the nasty cunt out of your life, OP.

OP this is disgraceful!!!! You have every right to be angry!!! When I had my DS and I was induced my mum was by my side from 9am-8pm (visiting hours) for 4 days straight and only went home when DS was born because it was early hours of the morning (2:30am by the time they'd sorted DS out and stitched me up!!!) and to come back in the morning for 9am she needed to go home and get some rest. Which I totally understood and she arrived at 9:02am the next morning!!

It's unbelievable that she just didn't turn up but then decided to go and babysit for your sister. Holy fuck I can't get over it - I truly hope you manage to find peace with it. Congrats on your beautiful baby you super hero!!!

I'm so, so sorry for you. Please don't continue to give this woman more opportunities to let you - and your children - down again x

That is awful. Try not to let it ruin our time with your lovely new born. Put her right out of your head —and keep her out—

I can't believe anyone, let alone your mother would do such a thing! All the people defending the mother saying 5 hours is a long way, or she may have not felt men were wanted in the delivery room, she was aware of all these things before she promised to look after the children! She hasn't just had an epiphany. And even if she had, how hard is it to put your gc to bed and just sleep in the same house as them just because you promised and it was important? She bloody should have felt unwelcome after that. Hope you don't make any effort with her.

Even if you decide to forgive her you'll never forget. Your mother has sabotaged her relationship with you. Sad and stupid.
Enjoy welcoming your new baby to your own loving household. 💐

That’s quite mystifying.

Unless she has a track record as a selfish narcissistic loon, could something be going on? Did she have a bad fight with FIL / is she having a serious health problem and trying not to worry you/ has FIL been done and put on the sex offenders register and not allowed anywhere near young children?

Asking your DSis for her take on it is a good idea.

So sorry: the birth of a child should bring women and their mothers closer. Very upsetting.

I’ve never quite forgiven my mother for very deliberately booking a holiday around my due date for DC3 - and then going to a lot of trouble to book another at the same time when the first one fell through. It was all because she didn’t approve of our having a third child, even though it had zero impact on her: we weren’t asking for any help.

Karma got to her in a way, because she got ill; not seriously, but enough to stop her from going on holiday after all. But I was deeply unimpressed when I developed pre-eclampsia and she still categorically refused to help in any way despite being fully recovered from her illness. I’ve never been happy about the children visiting ever since, even though she now loves having three grandchildren.