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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother didn't turn up for birth - am I right to be angry?

166 replies

ShouldIBeUpset · 25/01/2018 16:53

This happened a while ago but I still feel quite upset and angry about it. In brief:

Me expecting 4th DC. Mother agreed to travel down from her home 5 hours away to look after my 3 older DC while I give birth. I go overdue and eventually induction is agreed for the following day.

I inform DM. It is a weekend so its fine for my stepfather to drive her down. I only expect help for the period I am actually giving birth so DH can be with me and we know DC are safe. Maximum of 24 hours. A previous pregnancy resulted in the neonatal death of DD2 so gibing birth is quite triggering for me which DM knows.

DH took me to hospital and left to come back at visting time with DC. Induction takes off quite quickly and by the end of visiting time I am in full blown labour. DH has to leave to take DC home hoping DM will turn up at any minute. She's not answering phone and should have left in the morning. Its 8pm by this time.

I end up giving birth alone as DH can't come back due to DM not arriving. Labour was very quick.

The next morning DM texts to say they arrived the evening before but they were tired so booked into a hotel!

I tell her that I am about to be discharged so will see her at my house. They turned up for 30 mins max, refusing a cup of tea and a hold of snuggly baby, saying they had to get a move on to get to my younger sisters to babysit for her (I live on the way down to sister's).

She thinks because all was OK, this was perfectly fine BTW!

OP posts:
MiddleAgedMe · 25/01/2018 18:24

Completely right! What an awful mother and then to compound your hurt by darting off to be of assistance to your sibling. Sounds very like my own hurtful mother. But focus on your lovely family instead of your anger and don't do her any favours!

My deepest sympathies about your daughter. Simply can't imagine how anyone copes with the loss of a baby...you're clearly a super woman!! xxx

windchimesabotage · 25/01/2018 18:30

That is so awful!! It was an induction with a specific date! She has really let you down, id be beyond furious.
So scary that you had to give birth alone after losing a baby before. That must have been horrendous. Flowers

Allthewaves · 25/01/2018 18:33

I wouldn't have let her over the doorstep. I'm suprised your husband didn't say anything either.

Greensleeves · 25/01/2018 18:42

YADNBU. Am furious for you! You were badly let down and I would have great difficulty being around her after she had done this. I'm so sorry about your dd2 as well Flowers

Not quite the same, but my mother insisted on being my "birth partner" (alongside dh) for births of both of mine. DS1's was a 24 hour horror show in which both of us very nearly died and I still have flashbacks. Mum announced as I was being rushed to theatre and ds1 was being rushed to SCBU that she was tired now and it was all over so she was going home. DS2's birth was better but again, as soon as he was born and she's had a little coo over him she announced she was off home, despite the fact that I was in the process of haemorrhaging, the midwife was panicking and setting up a drip.

TheFairyCaravan · 25/01/2018 18:42

Your mum is horrible.

When I had DS2 we phoned my mum and asked if she would come. She said “ooh I can’t today I’m painting your brother’s front room”. It was Christmas Eve! We dropped DS1 off with a colleague of DH’s on the way to the hospital.

When DH rang to tell her DS2 was born she said they’d be down on Christmas morning. DH said no thanks we don’t want visitors. They turned up anyway, stayed long enough to piss me off then buggered off to spend the afternoon with my sister and niece.

The following year my sister had her DS and my mum was on the phone to me telling me what a wonderful moment it was telling my niece she was a big sister. I said it was a shame she prioritised a bit of DIY the year before and she said I’d always been bitter! Hmm

Original poster
ShouldIBeUpset · 25/01/2018 18:58

We would have got one of DH's sisters to come up in an emergency (an hour away). They were due to work on the induction date and one of them would have asked for the next day off if I knew my mother wasn't coming. It was extremely odd behaviour. The not answering calls on the night. The babysitting for my sister was for a night out. They said as they had come down to mine, they would carry on to hers to let her have a night out. They didn't offer to stay with DC so DH and I could have some time together with new baby, get some dinner in - nothing.

I still can't believe it actually happened.

She had only had my DC to stay a handful of times before that at her request.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 25/01/2018 19:12

I am speechless. That is awful. Have you said anything to her about it? How long ago was it?

Wakeuptortoise · 25/01/2018 19:25

I would have to say something to her just for my own peace of mind. I cannot get my head around her logic. It's almost like she really doesn't like you and wanted to punish you for something. Sad Only other reason could be because she also lost a child?
My own 'd'm wanted desperately to be the first to see ds1, so much so that she turned up to stay straight after the birth, despite being specifically told not to. I barely see her otherwise. Then, when I had Ds2 it didn't even cross her mind to offer to look after ds1. (I didn't ask her because she would have been useless and a hindrance).

CommonFishDiseases · 25/01/2018 19:26

I am so sorry all of this has happened to you OP Flowers
You sound as if you are in considerable shock/post-trauma and I wonder if you would consider some counselling (when the time is right) to help you process all of this?

QuickSod · 25/01/2018 19:34

You must be so disappointed op.

Cheby · 25/01/2018 19:37

Unbe-fucking-lievable! Im so sorry OP. Your mother very very badly let you down.

RainingOutside99 · 25/01/2018 19:37

That is absolutely disgusting. I feel so sorry for you. She has an awful lot of making up to do. What on earth possessed her to behave like this?

samatamfabahaba · 25/01/2018 19:40

I just read that and went "oh shiiiiitttt" I'm so sorry you had to give birth alone, fast or not. ThanksThanks

LoveProsecco · 25/01/2018 19:50

This is awful. I can't imagine my DH not being able to support me during labour, particularly with what you have been through.

Is she usually so distant?

Stickladilove · 25/01/2018 19:53

Wow
Just wow

Friedgreen · 25/01/2018 19:53

Sounds like you need to give her a taste of her own medicine. Cut her off for a while.

rocketgirl22 · 25/01/2018 19:55

Oh my. That is just breathtaking - absolutely so so awful.

How do you feel about dm now?

I have just been very hurt by my mother too, and reading your post made me feel less alone. I have had a broken leg for six weeks with 2 c, dh works away and I was rushed into hospital last week for emergency op and she still didnt come to see me or help in any way (she went on holiday instead a few days ago)

It is so massively hurtful and sad op, I don't know about you but we don't need this kind of selfishness in our lives.

Ginkypig · 25/01/2018 19:55

That is disgusting.

She has a right to choose not to want to help if she doesn't want to but she told you she would (giving you no way to arrange an alternative) and then didn't fucking turn up, knowing it would leave you to give birth alone after going through a traumatic experience before!!! Not only that but she then buggered off to babysit for your sibling. talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

Why are you not angry at your stepfather too? Did he just blindly follow her lead and not have an opinion on them not helping.

Starlighter · 25/01/2018 20:02

I would find that unforgivable and I think I’d cut her out of my life completely.

She had no concern for you, your DH, her current grandchildren or the newborn. Unbelievably selfish and cruel to let you down so badly and so last minute.

Hassled · 25/01/2018 20:04

All I can come up with (and I'm really grasping at straws and it still isn't any sort of an excuse) is that she must have been affected by the loss of your DD2 - could that have been part of it? But she should have been there to support you - your need was so so much greater. I can't get my head around it at all.

Zerosugaroption · 25/01/2018 20:07

Awful. How can anyone treat their daughter like that? I’d have come over and I’ve never met you!

kaytee87 · 25/01/2018 20:11

Perhaps your DM is of my generation. No way would we have wanted DH in the labour room.

What generation is that then? My dh's grandfather actually delivered MIL and was at the birth of a few of the others when he was available.

Also op had discussed it with her mother and she had agreed to watch the other children so was well aware that op did want her dh there. Especially as they had suffered a tragedy previously.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 25/01/2018 20:12

Wow, what a mother! If she didn’t want to do it, she should have said so in the first place so you could make other arrangements. I’d cool off the relationship for a while, let her do all the teaching out.

Atticusss · 25/01/2018 20:15

What was said, when she came to visit? Did you ask her why? Does she know you were alone, did she not even mention that, no apology at all just brushed under the carpet as too tired?

BewareOfDragons · 25/01/2018 20:19

"Thank for that, Mum. I had to give birth alone, when you know how terrifying that is for me after one of our babies dying at birth, so you could get enough sleep to cheerfully babysit for X so she could have a lovely evening out.

"I hope you've made yourself a nice memory of seeing the baby for the whopping 20 minutes you stopped by, because you won't be seeing any of us again."

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